Boundaries

What seems to me to be a very foolish and sometimes potentially DANGEROUS approach to life is the viewpoint that "if some is good, MORE is better!"

Case in point: Tammy Fae Baker. Now, I'm not much of a cosmetic queen. Most days my face goes au natural. I do put on a little blush, lipstick and mascara for hot dates, job interviews and some church functions. But I cannot for the life of me understand how ANYONE would think they looked BETTER with that darn much goop plastered on their face. Now, I don't mean to be unkind or to speak ill of the dead, but seriously, she is/was to me the epitome of excess in this area, rivaled only by Mimi Bobeck on the Drew Cary show.


But face paint is a generally benign area that I am using only for example.

Use of pain medication (or ANY medicine for that matter), pesticides, and punishment are all areas that are considerably more serious.

From sprinkling salt on your eggs to how much risk to take in your investments, finding the right balance of not too little and not too much is a balance each person must figure out for themselves.

Then there is the issue of sharing personal information.

SOME opening up in an authentic way is a good thing. It is the stuff that builds bonds with others, creating a sense of being known and establishing intimacy.

But there is a limit to how much is a good thing.

The thing is, what feels appropriate in terms of privacy and making public for ME are no doubt somewhat very different than what they are for YOU.

In some contexts I can be an open book. In others I am considerably more guarded. That makes total sense to me since some settings are safe turf and others are more like walking through a mine field. The trick is how I determine which is which. SOMETIMES I get them mixed up. Sometimes I can be in a completely safe, supportive setting but will confuse the signals, defining it as a time to clam up completely. Other times I will think I am on sacred ground with someone I can trust, peeling back my layers and laying my heart bare only to see it get shattered.

I'm not always great at distinguishing what is safe and what is dangerous, how much is enough and how much is TOO MUCH.

How do you figure this stuff out??

Since moving I've been attending a new congregation of my church. I am looking forward to getting to know the people I now associate with and for the most part have found them to be a very friendly group.

But there is a difference between being FRIENDLY and having true friends. A big piece of that difference is how much we are willing to share of our private selves with specific individuals.

We all start out by putting our best foot forward, in most cases. We act polite. We want to be "nice". (At least in a church setting.) But somewhere along the way in personal conversations with this person or that person we begin to share more of our challenges, our concerns, etc. I find myself walking VERY CAREFULLY in this area. Who do I be open with and who do I not? I can enjoy and appreciate just about everyone I meet there. But who do I TRUST?

Maybe I make a bigger deal out of this than in needful. But history tells me that somewhere in this group of people I may find my next best friend AND I could also end up feeling really stupid or embarrased if I choose wrong. So yeah, it feels like it matters.

Public vs. Private

I was cruising through a few different blogs this morning and I ran across the following phrase: "I feel like I've already said too much about myself and fear that someone might get to know me too well. "

While there are most certainly plenty of private things I would never post on a public blog, I am intrigued by that whole notion of how we hunger to be known, yet fear it at the same time. Our social world encourages us to present only a thin veneer of game face facade. Yet for many, there is a deep longing for authenticity in connection with others. However, with increased sharing of authenticity comes increased vulnerability. If our public persona is criticized or rejected, it's not that big of a deal. If we share our true heart and spirit only to find that gets mocked or shunned, the sting can be brutal.

Yet, anonymity feels like the greatest loss of all. To not take the risk to open up to other people is a price beyond the cost of potential betrayals.

Current research has shown that people in America are feeling increased loneliness, isolation, disconnection. It is that very hunger for community that has fanned the flames of blogs, chat rooms and other cyber touching.

In looking at other people's blogs I am fascinated by the level of intimate exposure some are willing to engage in. Most I just click out of and move on, preferring stuff a bit more cerebral. But a few I can't help but stare at fascinated, sort of like rubbernecking when passing a grotesque car accident. You don't really want to look but you just can't help yourself.

As we move forward in the post modern world it will be interesting to see what sorts of human bonds we build as we design families and committees and communities. So many of the old rules of past generations no longer seem to fit. Yet a clear,cohesive set of new expectations simply does not exist.

What does it mean to be a friend? A partner? A neighbor? What are you willing to give? What do you expect in return?

Slash and Burn

For some time now I have had another blog going under a different pseudonym. This one tends to be a place for me to ponder and discuss ideas. The one I used to call "Turning The Hamster Wheel" was more a place where I explored feelings, motives, personal angst and vulnerabilty.

I made a point of keeping that one well hidden. Still, just having those words "out there", even on a private, unlisted blog just felt too creepy. So I deleted the whole thing.

Now I am slowly rebuilding it, under a new name and at a different URL, only this time being a bit more guarded.

This process has given me an opportunity to explore my attitudes about public vs. private. What sort of things will I tell the world? What sort of things do I reserve for my family or closest friends? What sort of things are so private that I don't even want to admit them to myself?

I intend to explore more on the other site to see where it will lead me. Thinking deep thoughts is all well and good, but navigating the currents of the heart can sometimes become sacred ground, albeit treacherous at times.