Marshmallows & Delayed Gratification

I recently did a posting about Locus of Control, pondering the issue of whether or not the tendency to take personal responsibility for one's own mood and actions could be a learned skill set or if the degree to which some people tend to blame (or credit) external forces were an innate personality trait.

In a related vein, I'm considering the whole issue of delaying gratification... Some people seem to be very good at this and others are not. What makes the difference?

The old '70s marshmallow experiments clearly show that the ability to delay gratification in early childhood is closely linked to personal success later on in life from getting through school to staying off drugs or out of jail.

It's all well and good to OBSERVE and MEASURE gratification delay. But how do we TEACH it? I think that is the far more important issue.

Also, to what extent is "waiting for later" a good thing and when does it produce a diminishing return? I think that to some extent being able to delay gratification is an important life skill. Yet I also suspect it can be carried too far. There are some overly self controlled people who seemingly spend their entire lives "saving for a rainy day" but never give themselves permission to cut loose and enjoy NOW.

Sometimes I want dessert before dinner. Sometimes I want dessert FOR dinner.

And I think that's fine. The trick is not to get carried away with it.

How much do I expect to be able to embrace joy in THIS life and how much do I accept the idea that this fallen, mortal world is a time of testing and adversity, with the real joy juice coming in the hereafter?

How much bad or boring stuff will I endure now if I am convinced of a payoff down the road?

How about you? Any thoughts?

Locus of Control

I've been having a bit of discussion with Stacy over at La joie de Dieu est folie regarding the issue of Locus of Control.

Basically, some people see themselves as being masters of their own emotional states and personal destiny. Others remain convinced that external forces- whether it be other people's behavior, the weather, the state of the economy or whatever - makes them feel or react the way they do.

How many times have you heard (or said) "You make me so angry!"

It seems to me that it has become entirely too pervasive in our culture to look for others to blame for our emotions, let alone any bad behavior or negative outcome in our lives. I'm wondering, how much can an internal locus of control be TAUGHT, and what strategies might be used to do so?

This is something that I include in my closing lecture of the online Sociology course I teach:

Have you ever been on a sailboat? When I used to watch sailboats when I was little, I assumed that when the wind pushed the sail, the boat would go in whatever direction the wind was blowing. As I got older, I realized that made no sense. If that were true, the captain of the boat would have no control whatsoever of where he or she was going.

Later I learned that sailors use a specific technique of adjusting their sails called "tacking". By pulling on various ropes they move the sails this way and that. Based on the angle of their sails, they can move the boat in just about any direction, so long as there is sufficient wind. It works sort of like playing pool - you can make a cue ball go in different directions depending on which side of the ball and from what angle you strike it. You make the boat go in different directions by changing the angle of the sail.

What does that have to do with Sociology???

SOCIAL FORCES are the wind of our life. We have little or no control over many social conditions such as our culture's attitudes towards race, gender or age. Sometimes events or perceptions will be thrown at us, which are less than ideal. Many times other people in our lives will make choices that have a huge impact.

However, we are NOT completely at the mercy of society or other people's behavior. We are the captains of our ships, and by adjusting our sails, we decide what directions our lives will go. How you present yourself in the world in terms of the vocabulary you use, the way you dress, the way you treat people in relationships, and what attitude you choose to maintain is in YOUR control. YOU decide what moods you will allow to become habits and which ones you will work at to let go of. And your life will have a very different outcome based on the choices you make.

I had friends in Michigan who sold their house and business, bought a big sailboat and went sailing around the world. They had a 10 yr old son at the time. They simply pulled him out of public school and got a good home school curriculum to take with them. They took an amazing adventure that changed all of their lives. They would write to me from various ports telling stories of how they came through storms, times when the wind stopped for days, and other challenges. Yet they were very much on track, going from land mass to land mass pretty much according to the schedule THEY had planned. The reason they were able to be successful in their journey is that they were very knowledgeable about the currents and wind patterns, and used that knowledge to their advantage.

I believe that as we become more knowledgeable about SOCIOLOGY, we become better equipped to make wise choices in how we relate to others. This expertise empowers us to move forward in the direction we most desire, regardless of some of the barriers that may occur as challenges. There are still lots of things over which we have no control. However, the better we understand the nature and power of social norms, groupthink, bystander effect, racism, sexism, ageism, and all those other things we have studied, the better equipped we become to thrive in what may at times be a very stormy world.

There will be storms. There will be calm. Through it all, take care in how you trim your sails. I wish you smooth journey.