Choose Ye This Day....

I've been thinking a lot lately about how quickly things can change in our lives. I've been reminded about the power and importance of individual choice in what we will notice and what we will focus on among all the many things occurring all around us. I've always said that each person's attitude was up to the person's choice more than a result of what happened to them. Here lately I've had some opportunities to really test how far I believed that to be true.

2011 was a great year for me. SO many blessing came my way. November and December in particular were a giddy blur of peak experiences. I had found my new job which was a great fit after a long period of struggle in a difficult work environment. I celebrated my 30th anniversary with the man I love, and truly felt bowled over by the depth of the kindness and intimacy we have developed over the years. I had several key spiritual experiences that strengthened me in ways so sacred I hold them close to my heart. In nearly every area of my life, I had so much bliss it was astonishing. This was way beyond happy. I felt a rich sense of purpose and meaning in my life far beyond any I had known before.

Then the new year came and much of that seemed to flip. My job is still great. My man is still my hero. My testimony still is strong and sustaining. But it would have been easy to lose site of all that in the face of some dark things that at times seemed to overshadow everything else.

January was a tough month at our house. It was a time of funerals and condolences. We lost six different people we were close to. Most were folks who lived in other states, but who had been an important part of our lives over the years. Two were from our current congregation - bookending life with one being way too young (just 15) and the other having known many years. While the circumstances around each of these deaths was different - cancer, old age, accident, suicide, heart disease - in every single one of these cases we were reminded of the uncertainties of life and why it really does matter to say what needs said to the people we love NOW rather than waiting for just the right time. You just never know when a conversation will be your last.

Then right along side all those griefs, came the health challenges. My sweet husband had been having lots of problems with his right shoulder - pain and loss of mobility. It turned out he had a torn rotator cuff that needed surgery. What was supposed to be a very straightforward operation got more complicated when they found the damage to his shoulder was far more extensive than the ultra-sound had indicated. It was not just torn. His ligament was completely unattached from the bone. So instead of a simple arthroscopic repair the surgeon had to cut through the muscle which will require a much longer and more painful recovery time.

For several days after the operation it was quite a struggle for him to deal with the pain and nausea. There were two days in particular that were hell on toast. We were both feeling pretty bleak. Even after the worst of that passed, the frustration for both my beloved and me was pretty high as we coped with him not being able to bathe or dress himself without help. He couldn't get good sleep and was just never very comfortable.

Finally the staples came out and the sling came off so now he is feeling a lot better. Best of all is that he can drive again, so he won't feel so trapped being home unable to get anywhere. Still, it will be several months and much difficult physical therapy before he will have full use of his arm again.

Add to this mix that one of our grown up kids was having some major struggles. I won't go into the details here as that is his private business - but suffice it to say that we spent more than a few sleepless nights of worry about the problems that our boy was having to cope with. Our kids are all adults and as such we hope that they will be able to manage whatever challenges they come up against in their lives. But in my heart my boys will always be my babies, no matter how grown up they are, so it HURTS when I see them having an especially hard time.


Put all of this together and what it adds up to is that the start of 2012 has been a season of coping with adversity in one fashion or another.

It has given me a chance to reflect on how I look at life when things are shining and how I look at things when dark clouds come calling. There were times during the happy days when I reveled in peak experiences and knew absolutely how very well blessed I was. There were also, I'm sorry to say, times when all was good that I pretty much took it for granted and just got caught up without noticing or giving thanks for how sweet it all was. Similarly, there have been times during our recent difficulties and sorrows that I have REMAINED grateful for the tender mercies that abound, even in the face of hardships, times when I've felt genuine joy despite some terribly painful things crashing all around us. And there have been times when I've crumbled in a heap of overwhelm and hurting when all I could see were the losses, the pain, the distance between current reality and what I would wish for instead.

Because the contrast in our circumstances have been so absolute in a very short period of time it has been a pretty dramatic lesson -

Happiness, contentment and joy are certainly easier to find when experiencing pleasant and supportive events or environment. But good weather, good food, solid tires, and fine health will not in and of themselves make me feel like all is right with the world. I've known plenty of people who focus on whatever is not immediately perfect no matter how many blessings they have.

And in the same fashion, grief, loss, hard times will not by themselves make me be miserable. It is certainly more of a challenge to keep my optimistic outlook when everything I care about seems to be crashing down around me. But it is not impossible. I have truly known some moments of sweet peace and joy during some of these darkest days.

Life is a complicated mix of good and bad, painful and pleasant. Through it all I decide which I will focus on .....what I have to be grateful for or what I have to sorrow about. I pick. I hope I can choose well.

Stronger at the Broken Places

I originally wrote this post back in 2007 over on my other blog, Life By Design. I'm repeating it here now for the benefit of a particular friend who is going through a hard time.

I once had a wise teacher who told me about making balsa wood airplanes as a child.

While flying them out in a field on a windy day, one of his favorite planes crashed and broke. He was sad to see the crumpled, shattered body lying in a heap. It appeared to be utterly ruined.

However, after the initial disappointment, he picked up the pieces and carefully, painstakingly, glued them back together. Then he left it for a while to sit and dry. Finally, when he was confident it was ready, he took it back out to fly again.

Amazingly, that repaired plane became one of his best flyers. Although scarred and perhaps less beautiful that the unbroken planes, that one was so sturdy that even when it took an occasional tumble, it didn't break again. It had become stronger at the broken places because of the glue.

Our lives are often like that. We have heartaches and disappointments. We have circumstances that make us feel as if we have crashed into the ground. But if we can pick ourselves up and glue those crumpled pieces of our heart back together, we too can become stronger at the broken places, with new found resilience to face the storms the world may bring.

During a particularly difficult time in my life, I received the card you see pictured here. As it says: "Sometimes when you least expect it, life gives you a big ol' sock in the nose." Then, on the inside it reads:"Not to worry. With time the pain will pass, and from it you will have gained experience, which gives you information, which gives you objectivity,which gives you wisdom, which gives you truth, which gives you freedom from having to get a sock in the nose again." Every now and then, when I am facing struggles in navigating the current of my world, it helps to pull out the card and to remember the story of that broken airplane.

Overcoming Adversity

As we were leaving the area where we were camped this morning I happened to spot this tree next to the road. Clearly, this poor tree has experienced some significant adversity at some point in the past. Whether the trauma was a one time major storm that about knocked it flat, or a series of problems that caused it to tip over I can't really say. But what impressed me about the tree was its determination to grow upright, despite its troubled past.

I feel like I am a lot like this tree. My early days were stormy ones. The specifics are not important. Suffice it to say that both from the choices I made and the choices others made I got pretty well knocked flat in more ways than one. Every kid has their heart aches. Some come dressed up as serious problems, some not so much. Mine were a mixed bag that knocked me for a loop. As a consequence my teen aged years were a firestorm of self-loathing and rebellion. That led to some turbulent twists and tumult during my twenties, with a few sweet islands of light that began to wake me up to the possibility of a better way, but having no skills or frame of reference to really build on. My thirties were a tense and turbulent time as I tried to make my peace with old nightmares and sort out what mattered. Only in my forties did I begin to get comfortable in my own skin. Even then, there were more than a few hiccoughs along the way.

But now I'm in my fifties and I can honestly say I have never felt more at peace. That doesn't mean my life is entirely without problems. But how I approach my problems when they come now is radically shifted from the old days of drama and angst. These days when difficulties arise I face it with a completely different sort of awareness that EVERYTHING - both the bad and the good, the comfortable and the excruciating, will work together somehow in a way that will ultimately teach me and bless my life if I can be open to that.

Example - recently I've been having some pain in my back and neck. It has been hurting a lot, so I went to a chiropractor to get my spine adjusted. While I was there I mentioned to the receptionist that my husband and I were planning on going to the Ketchum / Galena area for the weekend. She then told me about Red Fish Lake which she claimed was the most beautiful place she had ever seen in her whole life.
I looked at a map and saw it wasn't that far out of the way from where we were going to be anyway, so we decided we would go check it out.

Had my back not been messed up we would have missed this amazing, soul shaking part of this weekend journey. Seriously, it was that special. It is an absolutely amazing place and I feel much richer for having experienced it. Am I GLAD my back was hurt? NO. Will I go running to embrace other painful things because they might bring me similar blessings? Absolutely not. Face it, pain sucks. I don't want to hurt - physically or emotionally. But what I DO know for sure is that whether I run from it or embrace it, from time to time painful things WILL happen in my life. And one of the ways I get through those dark days, whether they be a kink in my vertebrae, the death of someone I hold dear, financial reverses or the dog barfing on a new rug....from big challenges to small ones I honestly believe that EVERY experience in this life has the capacity to teach and bless me if I let it.

There was a time not so many years ago when I struggled mightily with some issues that I thought were bigger than my capacity to endure. I honestly believed at one point that I would carry the grief, sadness and heartache of it to my grave.

But I was wrong.

I mended. Today I am happy. Today I truly do know peace. Granted, I may be a bit crooked in spots, sort of like this tree. But I'm standing tall. And I can honestly say that I would not know the level of joy and delight and sheer gratitude that I have now if I had not walked through the dark.

I am so relieved to have come to a spot in my life where I don't have to take everything so stinking seriously. I have perspective. I have an ability to let go of things that I can't control. I have an ability to truly cherish simple pleasures like the flowers in my garden or a sunset or the sound of a child's laugh.
And I'm choosing to focus on that. I'm choosing to stand up straight in my present instead of continuing to worry over getting knocked flat in the past. If this tree can do it, why not me?

I am a walking blood meal

As much as I loved our recent trip to the mountains, there was one down side to our holiday. The mosquitoes. I do not understand why they love me so much. Larry and I could be hiking on the SAME trail and he would not get one single bite. I, on the other hand, am covered it itchy welts. I think I will go take a general body dip in calamine lotion now.

Photo from How Stuff Works (linked above)

Unemployment is like Pregnancy because...

No I am NOT pregnant! (Although my shape may suggest otherwise.) For heaven's sake at 52 yrs old at least that is one thing I do NOT have to worry about. The photo is of my beautiful niece Jodi who has since given birth to an absolutely ravishing little girl. But I posted the picture to make a point.

When I was pregnant over 30 yrs ago one of my biggest sources of frustration was that as soon as my tummy started poking out it seemed to make people believe I'd utterly lost my brains. No one ever asked me what sort of books I had read recently or inquired about my opinion on current events. They stopped discussing plays or astronomy or the state of the nation. It seemed that the only kinds of conversation people had with me during those months focused on "how are you feeling?" and "when is your baby due?" Women wanted to touch my belly and/or regale me with stories of their own childbirth experiences. Men got either condescending or uncomfortable. Either way, it was like I was no longer the smart, interesting person I had been before with a multitude of interests. During that time of gestation I socially became a pod person, a vessel for making a new life. Nothing else. Or at least that was how it seemed at the time. I used to get down right cranky about it.

What does that have to do with now? It seems that lately nearly every person I know keeps asking me "How's the job search going?" TRUST ME on this, if I get a job I'll be shouting so loudly it will shake the earth. You will know. But I just can't handle the constant scrutiny about the process. After having applied for 120 different jobs across six states, having had over a dozen serious interviews and all too many very near misses I've had my hopes up and had them dashed too many times to count.

Sometimes I'm very zen about the whole process and truly believe that the universe is unfolding around me exactly as it is meant to. There are days when I feel all the way to my bones that God has a plan for me through all this that I just can't see.

Other times I sink down into a serious funk, feeling very discouraged, disappointed, and concerned about my continued lack of getting a job. I worry. I fret. I wonder what is going to become of my poor pathetic professional career. Especially since I seem to be doing all the right things that professionals tell job seekers they should do and still not getting results it gets frustrating.

But honestly, we are fine. Fortunately for us, my sweet husband has a good job with full benefits. We are essentially out of debt. We have savings in the bank. We've certainly had to cut way back on our discretionary spending since I'm no longer bringing in the big bucks I was when I was working. But we have never once had to go without a single thing we really needed. We do not have to fear the wolf at the door (yet). So I can truly say we have been incredibly fortunate during these many months of uncertainty. Far too many good, honest, hard working people have lost homes, lost confidence, lost so very much through no fault of their own as a result of the shifting economy. I'm very blessed to not be in that boat.

I continue to apply for jobs. I continue to go meet with "experts" and "specialists" who are helping me to refine my approach. I'm still seeking a professional position and not even close to needing to settle for any old survival job. Because we are ok.

Don't get me wrong, I DO appreciate the supportive concern. It's just that when I'm trying to minimize my stress over this prolonged job search by focusing on the OTHER areas of my life that truly are running along smoothly (or at things that I have some power to do something about) to have people keep asking me about the job search just takes me back to the one area in my life where I'm feeling pretty powerless, and that's not fun.

One of the great things about having been poor in the past is I absolutely have the skill sets for living on a very slim budget. I know how to make do. And because we have no major life expenses right now we really can manage living on my husband's income and the meager pittance I earn from teaching a couple online classes.

Still - I do want a job. We work for many reasons besides a pay check. When I reflect back over the track record of all the different jobs I have had over the years it's very evident that I took positions that I could believe made a positive difference. Rather than try to get rich or work my way to the top where I could be all important I tried to DO important things. Being executive director of two different non profits was far less about the fancy title and far more about believing in the missions of those organizations. So that is a part I really miss.

Besides, eventually my husband will retire and then it will be up to me to take on the role of primary bread winner. So hopefully sometime in the not too distant future, I'll find a suitable position in a place we will both feel good about. Clearly the search is on with all the determination I can muster. But until I do land that elusive job that surely is out there somewhere in the universe waiting for me to find it, please give it a rest from asking me what I've applied for lately or how my last interview went. Having to fess up to the growing pile of rejection letters just feels too demoralizing.

The last near miss job that I interviewed for required me to put together a professional portfolio showcasing some of my past accomplishments. I got beat out of the job by someone with more experience, but that process was really good for me. Now when I get discouraged about the search I can flip through the pages of that binder and see solid proof of my talent and skills and be reminded of what I do have to offer. It's a whole lot better that perusing the mountain of "we don't want you" letters.

So if you want a conversation with me, let's talk about the plans for my garden. Let's talk about the high school producton of Les Miserables that I went to see. Let's discuss educational issues. Or we can talk about something that is interesting to you. I'm a pretty good listener. But if you ask me again "How's the job search going?" I'm likely to get a bit prickly. It is a sensitive subject for me right now. So can we just skip it for a while?

There is one BIG exception to all this. If you know of any job leads I could follow up on or even just think of someone who it might be helpful for me to talk to I would very much appreciate the referral. I suspect that networking with others who may have key contacts will be far more useful to my search than constantly reviewing ads. So if you have an idea of something I could follow up on, by all means PLEASE do make the suggestion. It will be most welcome.

Otherwise, if you are simply showing supportive interest or are curious, could we please talk about something else?

FLOOD ZONE

The past few days have been rather interesting to say the least.

Saturday I spent the entire morning with my husband trying to fix a client's blocked up plumbing. Earlier attempts with a plunger & Liquid Plumber had proven ineffective, so this time we got serious. We rented a snake and ran that through for about 75 feet. Pulled out lots of VERY DISGUSTING stuff from the access pipe out in the yard. Let's just say the lawn has now been thoroughly watered and fertilized. YUCK! Yeah, being the "Executive Director" of a small non-profit is certain GLAMOROUS work, eh?

Then Sunday evening I got a call from one of the ladies living in the Emergency Housing program my organization runs, in the building shared by my office. She said we had water in our basement. I thought it was all together possible she was over-reacting/exaggerating. It had rained some recently and so I figured it was quite possible we had some draining coming in downstairs. But just to be sure I drove in the 45 min commute on SUNDAY to see if there was any serious concern.

HOLY TOMATOES!!!

We had between 4 - 6 inches of water all over the basement floor and it was still rising. Apparently the plastic waterline to the evaporative cooler popped off and water had been spraying down there for no telling how long.

Boxes of bedding, donated clothes, computer monitor and all sorts of supplies utterly soaked.







Just looking at all the ruined stuff and the amount of work it was going to take to get it out of there I freaked. I had myself a complete meltdown. I wound up sitting on the basement steps just sobbing for about half an hour.

MOST of the parts of my job I actually like and feel like I'm pretty good at. But over the last few weeks I've put in lots of extra hours and had very little sleep. I've been scrambling to play catch up on several fronts that had been let slide for far too long. With a shoe string budget and essentially no staff (thank God for a few committed volunteers!) I've often felt as if I were on a high wire without a net. I was dancing as fast as I could and just didn't see how I was supposed to do it all.

Then this...

It just pushed me over the top.

But today is a new day and things are looking MUCH brighter.

Yesterday one of my board members brought over a sump pump to start draining out the water. Then this morning group of homeless vets assisted by some run-of-the-mill hoodlums and gangsters hauled all the wet stuff out onto the lawn and made good use of a shop-vac and mops. One of my volunteers and I sorted through all the mucky wet stuff to decide what we would try to salvage and what to just throw away. Local community action agency provided a trailer and someone to take it to the dump. What was an utter catastrophe this morning was a completed clean up project by mid day.



It's still pretty damp in the basement, so we'll be running fans down there for the next couple days. But the worst of the flood is over and truth be known, I'm GRATEFUL we were able to get rid of a bunch of the stuff that was down there that I had serious questions about BEFORE it got flooded.

I still have lots to do and not enough resources to do it with. But I'm feeling far more confidant today that I can face whatever the world throws at me.

Lessons learned from this escapade are:
1. ASK FOR HELP
2. Pace Yourself
3. Keep your sense of humor

I really need to get it through my head that I CAN'T do it all by myself. But as I seek support from others, it's amazing what we can accomplish together.