I see you

One of my all time favorite movies is Avatar...the James Cameron blockbuster. The most compelling line from the whole movie to me is "I see you" which among the people of the Na'vi means so much more than I see you standing there in front of me. It is their ways of acknowledging the other person on a far more comprehensive level.

As I understand it, it is closer to the common greeting in India of Namaste or Namaskar. "In India, the common greeting Namaskar or Namaste is no simple Hello. When one says Namaskar to someone, what it means is that he/she acknowledges the spark of the divine that is present inside them. Hinduism believes that God is an all-pervading force that envelopes all beings and things." (from Vimho's World)

While I was mostly impressed how incredibly visually stunning the movie Avatar was, I also liked a lot of the features Cameron built in to the Na'vi, this being one of them.

This has given me room to consider the extent to which any of us can truly know another person and to ponder how much I want to be known. At times I hunger for authentic connection with others. Yet at the same time I have long standing pattern of remaining somewhat guarded, not feeling comfortable with too much exposure of my private self.

I can talk about what I THINK until the cows come home. Matters of intellect and philosphy are pretty safe ground. Being open about how I FEEL is another matter entirely. I can be pretty darned selective in who I choose to be open with about my emotions.

To what extent do you truly see others? To what extent do you allow yourself to be seen?

Who Gets You?

I've been reading some stuff by lifecoach Laura Young. One of her pieces that has caused me some serious pondering is her article "Does Anyone Really Understand You?"

I've just wrapped up the unit on gender in my online sociology class. During the 6th week of the course we get thick and heavy into the discussion of whether or not men can ever truly understand women and visa versa.

But as we move into the seventh week, I bring up the question whether or not ANY human being can fully understand another. I don't doubt we can build deep, rich, authentic connections. I have experienced true empathy from both sides of the fence. Still, something deep within me resonates when I read Young's words:

"The truth is, no one else will ever truly know what it is like to be in your shoes. No matter how much they love you. No matter how much you try to explain or get people to see. There is an internal alchemy that happens within each of us that takes all of our experiences, thoughts, feelings, events and life circumstances and cooks them down into our own unique paths and our own philosophies of life. Belief in a Higher Power aside, where humans are concerned, you are the only one on your path. You are the only one who can go where you are going, ultimately."

Early on in this blog, in a post I called "icebergs and intimacy" I wrote about the challenge of navigating the balance between boundaries of privacy and self disclosure.

I think we all hunger to be known.

In the scriptures it says "it is not good that man should be alone..." (Gen 2:18) I believe that is true. We are hard wired from the moment of creation to be social critters, people who make connections with others. Sometimes those connections lift us to wonder and awe. Sometimes they dash our hearts to bits. Still, for most of us, with all their complications and craziness, relationships with people we love are the most significant parts of our lives.

All that being said.... does anyone REALLY know anyone else?

I don't know the answer to that. But this is what I do know for sure: as much as I want people I care about to understand me deeply and to love me back, what feeds my soul the most is my allowing myself to love them. It's not a tit for tat game where I give only so long as the accounts are kept even. There are people in my life I love with wild abandon. Some of those people love me back and connect with me in meaingful ways. Some are clueless about how deeply I care about them. That's ok. I'm going to go right on loving them anyway - even when they are difficult or oblivious or well intentioned yet missing the mark. I don't love them because I'm some great human being. I don't love them because the "deserve" it. (Do any of us?) I love them because it feeds me to love. When I am in a state of genuinely reaching out my heart to others I find more peace than when I am focused on filling up my own cup.

So I will try to understand my husband/neighbor/co-worker as much as I can.

I will take a few more risk with revealing my true heart with some of my friends.

And then I'll give 'em all some grace if they don't REALLY "get" me. We all are just doing the best we can.

Icebergs & Intimacy

Some claim that it is only by revealing our inner most hearts to others that we are able to experience true caring relationships. The idea is that full disclosure of emotions, attitudes, opinions, thought life, etc is what leads to being fully engaged and “knowing” each other, building this bond we name "intimacy". According to this view, if I keep most of my inner life concealed, like the mass of icebergs drifting beneath the water line, the quality of my bond with others will be diminished.

There is an alternative belief that the strength of relationships is based on how we BEHAVE toward one another. I may be a very private person, but what matters most is that I treats you kindly. Regardless of what pieces of information I do or don't tell you about myself, if both of us can establish habits of being genuinely nice to one another we can build a bond we both value.

Obviously, kindness and being open are not mutually exclusive conditions. Some people seem able to do both quite well…. But which do I really believe matters more in the quality of my relationships? Which area do I personally need to work on more?

In examining what factors I believe create greater closeness, I also wrestle with acknowledging how close I truly want to be. Do I really want to expose the darkness of my heart to anyone else? Am I willing to invite that level of vulnerability? What do I expect from the other people in my life and what am I willing to give? (or give up?) What am I willing to do to make my significant relationships more meaningful? What am I willing to NO LONGER DO to improve those bonds?

Finding the balance between privacy and self exposure in the context of how I interact with strangers, family or friends is all part of the challenge. It works great when both /all parties in a relationship have complementary levels of interest in one another. But so often, the reciprocity is somewhat lopsided. Then what? If I am willing and open to share who I am with you based on my need/desire to be known, but you do not welcome that level of contact, what happens to my heart? On the other hand, if I feel the need to remain more guarded when you are seeking to open up more, what will the consequence be?

If I seek to know more about you, craving opportunities to delve below the surface social chatter to authentically attend to your human experience, will it matter whether you are open to that or not? Might I be blessed by my openness even if you close your doors?

How much can any of us really know another person, or be known in return? How much is enough? How much is too much? Navigating all that sometimes just feels like too much work. I'd rather climb a tree with a good book and be done with the rest of the human race much of the time. But sooner or later I always come back down and tentatively stick my toe out once more to experiment with interaction....no matter how much I may deny it, there is a hunger deep to look into another face and connect. The degree to which I allow fear to rule my risks in reaching out to other people in the world is how I experience my own waterline on my emotional iceberg. Some days I can drop the level down a considerable ways...other times the tide rises high. How's your waterline today?