Fringe Benefits

My beloved and I have been looking at various options for purchasing private health insurance. As it turns out, the group policy available to ME at my new job is ok (not great by any means) and offered at a tolerable cost. However, it becomes exorbitant if I want to have my husband covered too. My employer subsidizes the cost for employee group coverage, but not for their family members. So we've been reading the fine print for various medicare supplement programs and prescription only policies to see what we can afford.

We got incredibly spoiled by the insurance that we had in Oregon. We paid NOTHING (one of the wonderful benefits of having my husband work for the state-they picked up the full tab!) and we received very generous coverage for medical, dental and vision. They even covered my husband's adult son with a disability who lived in a different state. Sadly,those days are long gone.

Now we will be balancing high premiums, higher deductibles, higher co-pays and reduced coverage which means basically we'll be crossing our fingers and hoping we don't get sick. It makes me far more sympathetic toward the MANY people in this country who have no insurance at all. Getting decent medical coverage is a major motivating factor why many people continue working beyond retirement age. Unfortunately, more and more employers are cutting corners on what sorts of coverage they can offer in these days when it seems everyone is being asked to do more with less.

I DID, however, find out about a different kind of fringe benefit at my new job that had never been explained to me when I was hired. There is a sweet little lady who makes homemade tamales that comes by every so often to sell her wares to the employees. I picked up a dozen (6 pork and 6 beef) from her today and just finished having them for supper. Delicious!

Would I trade that opportunity for better insurance if I could? Most certainly! But here's the thing. I can't. So I might as well make my peace with higher cost/lower coverage insurance because that is the shape of my new reality. In SO many ways this job is a million times better than my former position - so what's the point in complaining about the areas where it does not measure up?

I had a really good day at work today. I'm finally getting past the absolute deer-in-the-headlight stupor of my first weeks of being in a foreign environment. I AM getting the hang of it. I continue to be extremely impressed by the team I am surrounded by. Obviously I still have much to learn, but it feels like this job will be an excellent match.

I'm going to eat my tamales and be grateful.

Learning Curve

No, I did not fall of the face of the earth. I've been completely immersed in getting acquainted with my new job.

I started a new position on Oct 24. It's in a completely different field than I have worked in previously and there is MUCH to learn.

I am the Director of a program that interfaces with a lot of high profile medical people. So I am surrounded by very bright, very capable individuals who expect me to LEAD in some substantial ways. In time I think it will be an excellent match. For right now, however, I'm dancing as fast as I can just to figure out what all the alphabet soup acronyms mean. Then of course there are the inevitable policies and procedures of my particular agency, not to mention the practical things like learning how to use the new high tech phone system and how to load and adjust the fancy shmancy copy machine. Having EVERYTHING be new and unfamiliar requires my brain to be on overdrive every minute of the day to figure out my next move, so by the time I get home I am exhausted.

Most of it is going well. However, there is just so much I don't know that at times it can be a bit overwhelming. On the second day I got completely lost in the building I now work in, leading to some snickers when the person waiting for me in a certain conference room could hear me wandering from corridor to corridor unable to locate the place where I was supposed to be. Yeah, I'm definitely the new kid on the block with a bit of a deer in the headlights look about me.

I am quite jazzed about this new opportunity. For TODAY, however, I'm scrambling just to figure out what I am supposed to be doing. I'm one of those folks who REALLY likes mastery. Nothing is more reinforcing to me that feeling confident and knowing I am good at what I do. Right now I'm getting calls and emails from folks across the country asking me about this program or that project and all I can say is "I'll check on that and get back with you" because I haven't got a clue.

Although it's awkward and uncomfortable at the moment, I'm learning a ton of stuff every single day. I like that.

So I'm trying really hard to be patient with myself. By this time next year I should have a whole network of people I know well who I have not even met yet. I will be able to explain the difference between a CAH, a RHC and a FQHC with the best of them. I honestly believe that through my efforts I will be able to contribute to the face of healthcare in Idaho in some positive ways. For TODAY however, I'm just taking a deep breath and remembering the words of the little engine that could...

"I think I can, I think I can, I think I can..."

The rest will come, in time.

How Much is Enough?

Once again I am waiting on pins and needles to see if I get picked for a job I have applied for. My interview went very well and I've heard back from three of my references that they have been called, so I know I am in the "finalist" stage, but the deal is not set yet.

I REALLY want this job for a number of reason. I think it would be a good match for my current skill sets, but would also give me room to grow both personally and professionally. Also, while my current position has been great on a lot of levels, the grant funding is ticking away with a definite end point. I am like yogurt with an expiration date. That job will definitely evaporate in the spring. So sometime between now and then it is critical that I find a new position.

The last time I was unemployed I had my husband's salary and benefits to fall back on. Now that he is retired, that is no longer the case. So the fact that I've got a firm lead sooner rather than later is a very good thing.

There's just one bit of a wrinkle in the soup. The job I'm up for is only funded for 20 hrs per week. That means I will take a BIG hit financially to jump ship at this point. It does have full benefits, a true rarity for a part time job. Also it IS very much a professional leadership position with a high level of responsibility. It's simply part of a contract with a skinny budget, so a half time director is all they can afford.

I do not know yet how much the salary will be, but I suspect it may be less than half of what I am currently earning. Add that to the fact that my present position pays substantially less than the last two jobs I had prior to this and clearly it translates to me moving in the wrong direction in terms of income. But I know I am not alone in that. Welcome to the Great Recession where pay cuts and underemployment are rampant all across the land.

Still, other than the money, in ever other respect this job sounds like something I could really sink my teeth into. It is for a non-profit that has an excellent reputation. They've recently won a national awards for flexibility in the workplace. People I've talked to about the place say it is a phenomenal outfit to work for. I had previously met the exec director who I would report to and I believe he would be a great boss. Most of all, this feels like a job where I could make a positive difference, and that is something that really matters to me.

So I've been giving a lot of thought to what my line in the sand is in terms of dollars. How much do I have to earn in order to take this job IF it is offered?

We live in a country that assigns merit and worth to people based on titles and dollars and how many shiny things we own. I am quite capable of seeing the silliness in that sort of thinking. I absolutely recognize that there are far more important quality of life aspects to a job than how big the paycheck is or whether I get a nice office. Still, I do have certain household expenses which must be covered. It really wouldn't matter how much I liked my job if I had to worry all the time about not being able to pay my bills. So, I'm going over the family budget and trying to determine, at what point do the scales tip between taking a job I think I could love which pays poorly vs. keeping a better paying job that I know is time limited while I look for something else?

As I look at the job market in town for what other sorts of things I might be able to pursue if I let this one pass by me, I'm being careful not to let myself get all tangled up in the bird-in-the-hand vs. bird-in-the-bush delusions. (Since right now I'm comparing the bird NOT in my hand to a bush I've yet to identify, it's even more complicated.) I'm not the least bit afraid of working hard. I just want to work in a place that has a culture of professionalism where people have integrity and treat each other like grown ups. Is that so much to ask?

It will be interesting to see how this whole job thing plays out... hopefully I will hear relatively soon. This limbo land of not knowing is wearing kinda thin.

Understanding Society

As I have been researching various topics for the Intro Sociology course I teach at CWI I came across an intriguing collection of resources at the website Understanding Society by Daniel Little at University of Michigan. This is a very robust website with all sorts of tools (blogs, podcasts, YouTube interviews, Twitter feeds, etc)for examining society and how social scientists approach their world.

After spending more time than I care to admit noodling around on the various pages I was reminded all over again what drew me to the science of sociology in the first place. I am utterly fascinated by examining the twin forces of society: what creates stability and what creates social change.

As I went through my first day of classes on Monday I found myself flowing in the zone of guiding intro students to the idea that SOCIAL FORCES have more to do with the choices we make than individual preference. That of course does not mean we are robots being manipulated by our society. Yet the whole idea that individuals are not uniquely in charge of their own destiny is sometime quite difficult for American students to fathom. I love the challenge of helping them both comprehend and confront that.

It does no good to be overwhelmed or angry at the idea that social institutions and the power elite with their own agendas are limiting my options. Instead, I encourage students to PUSH those limits, which can only be done by first understanding them.

I'm excited for the new semester. The first four weeks are generally euphoric for me as I begin each term full of hope and excitement. Of course, by week 7 I will be overwhelmed with grading and discouraged by lackluster students who don't even bother to show up regularly. Still, every term I find my core group of people who get excited about what they are learning. We enter that magical, sacred dance of teaching and learning, where we take turns showing each other new ideas, different perspectives and ways of defining our world - savoring the process of making meaning and finding new knowledge. Honestly, this is what I was born to do, and it is such an absolute privilege I am still astonished there are schools that actually pay me to "perform" tasks that are so hardwired to my DNA that it's like telling a fish to swim.

I've taught adjunct courses in Michigan, Washington, Oregon and now Idaho. I love this more than anything else I've ever done. Would I do it full time if I had the chance? Absolutely - even though the very idea of that gives me some trepidation.

Would doing it day in and day out with a 5 or 6 course load burn me out on the one thing that absolutely fuels my passion? I don't have the answer to that. But since right now it's not an option, I don't have to worry about that. For now I will continue to teach in tandem with my full time job, putting my heart and soul into my classes. Down the road, if a full time position ever does open, that is a risk I would most definitely take.

Do you love your work??

In cleaning out my office recently I found some notes on a conference I attended about work satisfaction and burn-out.

In those notes were a list of factors which are markers of level of employee engagement. How many of the following can you say are true?

1. I know what is expected of me at work.

2. I have the materials and equipment I need to do my job right.

3. I have the opportunity to do my best and focus on my strengths every day at my job.

4. In the past 7 days I have received recognition.

5. My supervisor or someone at work cares about me as a person.

6. There is someone at my work that encourages my development.

7. At work my opinions and ideas seem to count.

8. Mission or purpose of my company makes me feel like my job is important.

9. My fellow employees are committed to quality work.

10. I have a good friend at work.

11. In the last six months someone has talked to me about my progress.

12. In the last year at work I have had an opportunity to grow and learn.

I can currently claim 4 out of the 12.

There is one of them that I'm not so sure I agree with. As I have gotten older I have shifted in my expectations about friendships at work. In the past I have developed very close friendships with my peers at work. Some of the dearest friends of my 20's and 30's were people that I worked with. Now, however, I am not close to anyone at my job. Part of the reason is I don't really have peers at my current position. There is no one else working at my same level on the same project. But another reason is that I've become more compartmentalized. I have friendships in my real life outside of work. I also have good relationships with my colleagues, but it's not personal. I don't tell them much about me.

I genuinely like my current job and believe I'm quite good at it. However, I also know that I'm like yogurt with an expiration date. When the grant runs out, my job will be over and I will then go do something else. That may be part of the reason I have not allowed myself to get too attached here.

Yet I think it's more than just that. I think my beliefs and expectations about work have substantially shifted over the years. I am glad I've had this job and in most ways believe it to be a good match for me. But it's my JOB, not my identity. It provides a way to pay for the rest of my life. I hope I make some bit of positive difference through what I do. In the end though, I won't miss it all that much when I move on to something else.

How do you feel about your job? If you could do something else, what would it be?

SUN VALLEY

I just got home from a trip to Sun Valley. I went up for work. The seminar I was helping to facillitate went well. Also got to see some phenomenal country on the drive. It was rainy and dreary most of the way up, but on the way back we had blue skies and could see for miles. Idaho sure has some gorgeous country. I wish I had a camera with a wide angle sense to be be able to capture the scope of the grandeur. Even though these pictures don't do justice to it, they give a little taste of where I was. For more pictures of Sun Valley from the web click HERE.

Work / Home Balance

I've been giving some thought to the whole issue of Work / Home balance. It seems the primary reason I did not get my job in Alaska was because I was not willing to be a corporate drone. Everything looked great, and I had indeed been told that I was the person hand picked for the job. But then I started asking questions about what sort of schedule would be expected. I spoke to the person who performed the same job in Pasco, WA. Apparently that guy routinely put in 70 hrs per week. I attributed this to him being a crazy work-a-holic. Then I met the person with the same job in Anchorage. He worked even longer hours. When do these guys sleep?

As I kept inquiring and exploring the same theme kept coming up. Throughout the company the expectation seemed to be for people to put in LONG days, often taking work home over the weekends and having precious few holidays and very little vacation. They lived to work. After talking to numorous people it became clear this was endemic with that company NOT because the individuals involved had no sense of balance in their lives, but rather because it was a corporate expectation. This is the dark side of far too many companies...expecting people to give up their lives for a paycheck and that is something I simply will not do.

So I balked.

I talked to the head CEO and told him point blank "I am a very good employee because I am passionate about what I do and I give 100%. However, one of the reasons I can be such a good employee is that my life WORKS. I have a great marriage. I am a member of a faith community. I have hobbies and interests. I enjoy a rich and rewarding personal life. So while I work very hard at my job, I need to be able to consistently go home and have time to fully rejuvenate in that personal life so then I have the energy to go back to work and give 100% all over again. I will work hard and as a professional I certainly understand that there will be occassional projects that require extra long hours or even the occassional weekend. But I would expect that as matter of routine I would not typically work more than 45-50 hrs in a week. I think anything more than that would mean that either the job was ill defined, efficient systems were not in place or the expectations were unreasonable. Any job that expects more than that on an ongoing basis would not be the right match for me."

Based on that, it seems, they decided that I was no longer the right match.

In all honesty I am VERY relieved we found out this basic mis-match BEFORE I took a job and moved rather than after.

As disappointed as I was to not get my dream of moving off to moose land, I am very clear that was NOT a good match for my values and needs.

So my job search continues. I have two interviews this week and another one the first week of March. I am gathering no moss.

Through it all I have had lots of opportunities to think about what kinds of jobs would be a fit for me and what would not. So many people I know are locked into jobs they hate, or at best jobs they merely endure. I really don't want to end up in that boat. I understand that EVERY job has things that will be annoying, tedious or uncomfortable. (That's why we consider it work instead of play, right?) Still, I believe it is possible to build a work life that is rewarding on personal levels and well as economic ones.

When looking for a place to live I've carefully considered what characteristics I want from a community - things like climate, size, and types of resources available. I think it makes sense to do the same sort of analysis for what sort of work life would be the best fit and reaching specifically in that direction rather than merely grabbing on to whatever might become available.

There is a lot I'm still not clear on. But these are the things I know for sure.

1.) I would rather work inside than outside. While I do like the chance to get a change of scenery now and again, I'm not likely to enjoy working outdoors in all sorts of weather.

2) I would rather work with ideas than machines. I worked in a factory once, long time ago. I could never do that sort of employment again. It was truly miserable.

3) I need to be able to support the overall mission of the company or organization that I work for. This means that even the very best job in a company that makes bombs or produces pornography would not be a fit. I have to know that the overall goal of my employer is to meet a legitimate need or improve quality of life somehow.

4) I need contact with other people. I'm good at statistical analysis and I have skills in data management. But if I'm stuck in a room by myself crunching numbers all day I'm going to go Postal. Whatever job I get needs to allow me some amount of contact with other people on a regular basis to keep me energized.

5) I can be a Chief or an Indian, but do not mircomanage me~!
I had a job in a medical research facility once where my supervisor wanted to approve every document before I was allowed to FAX it to the vendor we worked with. Every move I made had to be discussed and signed off on by higher ups. It was excruciating. I have a brain. Let me use it to do my job.

6) The flip side of not liking micromanagment is I don't really want to be totally left on my own. I am capable of making decisions and I work well independently. Still, I like to have someone else I can bounce ideas off of and it helps if I feel like there is a leader who is aware of what I'm doing. I tend to get highly motivated when working out of loyalty to a specific person, far more so than for individual success of any given project. While I don't need much hand-holding sort of supervision, I do like having some support and/or sense of being part of a team.

Ok - those are some basic generic things I know about what I want from a job. Now all I have to do is find a position in one of the geographic regions my husband and I have identified as desirable that meets (or at least comes close to meeting) most, if not all, of those criteria.

Don't know what I'm going to be when I grow up, but the journey of exploration to find it has certainly been interesting.

Continuing Journey

Those of you who know me well know I have moved A LOT. (Arizona, Ohio, Florida, Michigan, Washington, Oregon - with several shifts between various towns...over 25 moves since leaving my parents' home.)

When my job at the non profit ended last July I began looking for a position in or near Boise. I was utterly CONVINCED that was where I would land next, hopefully for keeps.

There were a number of reason I picked Boise. (close to family, nice climate, affordable housing, LDS temple there, right size town...not too big, not too small, but in the words of baby bear in the Goldilocks story, it's "just right".)

However, after MANY applications and six interviews in Idaho, no job floated to the top. I went through every phase of anticipation, excitement, disappointment, worry, crankiness, discouragement and fear you can imagine.

My husband in nearing retirement. I will be primary wage earner for the next 15 yrs. So it is critical that I find a place where I can get a job with decent benefits where we will be comfortable living long term.

So I began widening my net...applied for jobs in lots of different places doing lots of different things: Arizona, Colorado, Utah, Washington, Oregon and Alaska.

And wouldn't ya know, it seems I may have found a hit... in Alaska.

I am working really hard at not getting over confidant. I've had too many near misses over the past few months to dare get cocky again. But this one feels different. This one somehow just seems to be a fit. I passed the phone interview and am now scheduled to fly up for a face-to-face. They will start checking my references this week and I will do a 30 minute presentation to show my stuff...We'll see how it lands....

But through it all I have had such an interesting roller coaster ride of perceptions about what work means. What work do I consider beneath me? What work do I consider out of my league? Why? How come not having a job to go to felt so excruciatingly crummy some days and appeared as sweet respite on others?

In my head I completely understand that my value as a person is NOT defined or limited by what I do to earn a paycheck. Yet in my gut I still tie a lot of my identity to my job.

I've thought a lot about good jobs I've had and horrid jobs I've had and tried my very best to sort out what I need from a work environment to make it be a better match.

What do you like about your job? What do you hate?
If you could do ANYTHING you wanted (and no matter what it was you would get paid EXACTLY twice what you now earn) what would you do?

Work is indeed an intriguing part of our lives. I've had several starts and stops with trying to do some serious academic research about American perceptions of the workplace. Lately, however, I've been too busy dancing in circles with my own attitudes about it all to make much sense of bibliography and footnotes.

Will I get this next job I interview for? I honestly don't know.
But I feel ready for it. I think it would be a good fit.
Only time will tell.

Tell Me YOUR story!

I had an interesting experience yesterday... a job interview gone frightfully wrong.
Once I see how things turn out I'll share more of the details here.

But for now, just to get a bit of perspective, I am inviting any and all to share their stories of job interviews - no matter which side of the table you were on. What weird things have happened to you when you were either interviewing someone else or being interviewed yourself?

Come on gang, bring on your tales!

Pink Slip

I'm starting a new research project. This is something I've toyed with on and off for some time. I want to explore how we define work - what it gives to us and what it costs us. How do people decide what kinds of work they will or will not do? How do gender, age, religiosity, economic status shape our attitudes about work?

Almost every job has good things and bad things about ...how do we decide when there is more bad than good and know it is time to walk away from a nasty job? (Think Mike Rowe's Dirty jobs or the superbowl commercial for Monster.com) What factors increase our loyalty to our jobs despite the problems?

Particularly in this economy I think it matters to explore more in depth the consequence to the individual, the community and the nation when jobs are lost.

The working title of this thing is "Pink Slip"...will start out with some personal narratives from individuals who have lost jobs and then some who have made the decision to radically change the type of work they do. Then I'll weave in and out of the sociology & psychology of looking for work. I'll address the hope and the fear that are inherent with putting yourself out there to be chosen or not chosen by the powers that be. I'll compare that to the feelings people have about retirement at the end of their careers.

I have some ideas about how I want to pull this off, but it's still very much in the beginning stages. We'll see where it goes....

If you happen to personally know anyone who might be open to being interviewed online or over the phone who fits one the categories below - please let me know!

Looking for those who

a) lost a job in the past year
b) is trying to change professions
c) retired in the past year

Road Warrior says Thanks Sidney!

Tonight on my commute home I spent two hours sitting in a line of cars on Hwy 11leading out of Walla Walla. Here I was all happy that the snow was finally melting so roads would be SAFE at last (have had some white knuckle drives in white out conditions and done some really scary slipping and sliding on my daily commute in recent days.) But today we started getting high winds (40 mph) and that in combination with some wet and ice left on the roads contributed to a couple semi tip overs. Then there were three or four OTHER accidents from cars pulling into the other lane to get around the traffic backups and running into oncoming traffic. It was pretty awful.

I left work looking forward to getting home at a decent time and actually having time to make a nice dinner for my man. Alas...best laid plans. Yes, it was frustrating just sitting there for two stinking hours. Dinner was grilled ham and cheese instead of enchiladas. But at least I had the patience to sit and WAIT rather than risk pulling out into the other lane like so many others and possibly contributing to the mess. At least I DID get home safe, from the look of some of the wrecks I passed, not everyone did.

This whole commute thing is wearing me out. But such is life when you live out in the middle of no where.

However, it wasn't all bad. As usual I had an audio book with me, so I got to spend some quality time with Mr. Sidney Poitier reading the letters he wrote about his life to his great granddaughter in his book Life Beyond Measure.

It was fascinating to hear about many of his experiences growing up and the way various things influenced him. It makes me wonder what sort of messages I would want to leave for my own grandchildren or posterity beyond.

Can You Keep a Secret?

I started this post a couple weeks ago and have had it languishing in my DRAFTS file up till now...figured it was time I finally dusted it off and got it posted or else delete. Posting won out.

I've been thinking some about how I manage work stress and what it means to find personal balance when in the front lines of the helping professions.

Years ago when I was working Mental Health I went to a training about Coping With Helper Secrets. The guy who did the training, Dale Larson, talked about how those who work with people in pain or crisis are bound to have all sorts of different emotional reactions to what we experience. His research was based on work with people serving in Hospice. But he generalized the effect to any helping professional who routinely interacted with clients/patients whose lives were characterized by trauma, drama and/or generalized chaos.

No matter how proficient our skill sets may be for responding appropriately in the moment to our clients, internally we may be all amok with self doubt, disgust, frustration, resentment, anger or shame. Larson talked about the importance of having a safe place for appropriately processing those conflicts so the secondary trauma does not overtake us.

The agency I direct does re-entry services with felons after release from prison so I get opportunities to interact with all sorts of different people and to be in the front lines for a fair amount of drama.

Part of my job now requires me to work with sex offenders who I personally find reprehensible.

My work also sometimes has me associating with people who are dishonest, selfish and manipulative.

And on occasions I cross paths with people who are rude, ignorant or just plain difficult.

All of that takes a toll.

Sure, there are also some GREAT folks who have recognized the error of their ways and are genuinely trying to turn their lives around. But those are the minority, it seems. Day in and day out, mostly I deal with people who I have no reason to believe or trust. I have to be on my guard all the time. That wears me out.

I'm usually pretty good at how I manage my responses when I'm with the clients. But sometimes my internal response is more than a little skewed. All too often I have a hard time letting things go.

At the training Larson talked about how working with people in distress can trigger all sorts of personal reactions for the professionals serving them, and how if those reactions are not tended to in a suitable manner it can wreak holy havoc for the therapists, cops, priests, paramedics and others whose lives so often intersect with other people's pain.

I really do believe that to be true. I think it is important and healthy to have a safe place where one can drop the constraint of our professional role and authentically own the full range of the impact all that stress brings.

So the trick for me is to figure out when and where it is ok to share, ok to vent, ok to gnash my teeth over all the different stressors of my job - from the client drama to the funding woes - and when I need to just come to terms with it on my own. Part of the issue I need to be cautious of is client confidentiality. I can't talk about them in any identifying way to those outside the agency other than what is needed to coordinate specific services. Part of the problem also is the need to present my agency as strong and capable to help shore up the reputation in the community, even when I am aware of the problems inside that sometimes seem like insurmountable barriers.

Sorting out where to draw the line between my PUBLIC self as "executive director" of a particular non-profit and my PRIVATE self as a person who worries about XYZ or longs for ABC...that is an interesting kettle of fish.

Last Friday I had a meeting with one of the counselors up at the prison. As I was on my way out of his office he asked me "So do you like this kind of work? Do you enjoy working with offenders?" His question really knocked me for a loop. Up until now I had not asked myself that at all. I kept asking myself whether or not I was doing it well. My measuring stick was all about mastery. I wanted to know that I was proficient at the role. It never occurred to me to stop and ask if I ENJOYED my job.

Most days...no. I can't say I do. I'm too busy scrambling, dancing as fast as I can and still feeling like I may be dropping balls.

What does that mean? Does that mean I need to scramble to find something else and kick this one to the curb? I don't think so.

I think it means I need to examine more how I am managing the stress load. I need to learn how to do a better job of letting go.

I have much to learn from this position I am in. I really do believe I am serving right where I belong for now. I do not know how long I will have this job. I doubt it will be long term. But for however long it may be, whether 3 more months or 3 more years - I hope I can find ways of processing the complicated range of feelings that this work triggers in a more healthy, balanced way than I have so far.

And when my spirits are flagging, I do tell myself I'm ever so grateful I'm not bending over in a rice paddy day after day. I'm ever so grateful I don't work at Walmart. I am glad I don't work in a factory. I am glad I don't work for some mean boss. There are several parts about my job that have me tearing my hair out in frustration. But there are parts that I DO feel good about too. It's just a matter of how I balance and focus between the two. What will I pay attention to the most and what will I let go of?

Part of how I sort that out, for me, will be who I talk to about this stuff.
If I haven't learned anything else, one thing I absolutely know for sure is that when I feel connected with another person that can understand and relate to what I'm going through then my resilience increases exponentially. When I feel isolated and alone I get more scattered, less able to set clear priorities, my judgement starts to slip. I do way better when I can bounce ideas or vent or praise to another human being.

Knowing that about myself I need to work on identifying how to get more of that. I need to have someone out there I can tell things to, who will keep it confidential, not judge me, and be willing to give me feedback about when I'm over-reacting or making mountains out of mole hills. I need that outside perspective to help me see better when I'm on track and when I'm getting off the path.

I have some ideas of how to move in this direction...

but I'm also open to suggestion. So I'm throwing it out to the universe.

How do YOU deal with work angst? How do you find balance? How do you turn it off at the end of the day?

Absolute Poverty vs Relative Deprivation

I've been working on my online classes to get them ready for winter term. I came across this question that is posted for the unit on social class & mobility:

"Because there is such great wealth in the hands of some in the U.S., and a great deal of commercial exposure to the range of material goods available, those who live modestly may feel poor even if all their basic needs are met. Different people have different ideas about what standard of living is “good enough” for them. What has had the greatest impact on how you feel about your own material circumstances in relation to your community and/or other family members? What factors do you believe have the greatest impact on whether or not a person will feel satisfied with what they have?"

That question got me thinking...

I grew up poor without the advantages of summer camps or music lessons. I wore hand me down clothes most my life as a child and didn't have much in the way of pretty things. I used to think having matching furniture and wall to wall carpet in your house meant you were rich.

I've heard lots of people who grew up in similarly humble circumstances say that in retrospect they realized their family had been poor when they were little, but that they had never really been aware of that at the time. That was not the case for me. I was very, very aware of my family's low status. My parents fought incessantly about debts and things we could not afford. I heard snide comments from other people about the way we lived. Even when I was quite young, I defined my life as lacking basic things other people took for granted. I used to dream of one day living in a pretty house and having enough - not being RICH necessarily, but simply having ENOUGH.

I left that home at sixteen to marry my first husband. During that volatile seven year marriage we lived pretty much hand to mouth, bouncing around from one rented hovel to the next as my ex husband seldom held a steady job very long and a lot of what money he did bring in went to getting high. We were on food stamps most of the time and had no health insurance. We took our kids to county hospital if they got sick.

Fast forward several years to when I married my current husband. We struggled our first 10 years together, but it was a different kind of struggle. Once all the bills were paid and the groceries bought there was not much of anything left over. But the key thing is all the bills WERE paid on time and we never had to worry about having enough groceries. We bought a house and were stable in ways I had never known. We NEVER had shut off notices from the utilities and our standards were about establishing decent credit and putting away a little saving for the future. (Savings? Unheard of in my former life.)

Then there were some promotions for my man and eventually our kids were emancipated. Since we no longer were paying for the many expenses of raising our boys and then I was available to start working full time suddenly we had a level of discretionary income I'd never known before.

We were always pretty scrupulous about living within our means and having some savings. To do that we had to watch the budget closely. We seldom went to the movies or out to eat. We did not buy a lot of "STUFF". It took a while to pay off my student loans and pay for a car - but we did it. Eventually the only debt we had in the world was our mortgage, and that was manageable. We had two or three credit cards and used them plenty, but always made sure they were paid off in full every month.

Once we got to that point my man and I started taking some trips - Costa Rica, Fiji, Hawaii, Alaska. Every year we made sure we had a vacation for at least a week to ten days somewhere. We still had to watch the budget closely to make this possible, but it WAS possible. With both of us working full time we had a pretty comfortable lifestyle according to our level of expectations. We knew people who had a lot more than us, we knew people who had much less. But for us, if felt like we had just enough to truly appreciate our abundance without so much to let it go to our heads.

We had a handful of fat cow years during which we were able to do more things, help others, and dream of a cushy retirement.

Now the lean cow years are here, or so it seems. Due to some unforeseen circumstances beyond our control, our financial picture has changed. Some of our long range plans will have to be scrapped and others adjusted significantly. We're still doing ok, but the balance sheet definitely isn't as promising as it once was. And that triggers a fair amount of anxiety for me.

I don't need a pile a cash or stacks of shiny THINGS. But I do need to know that we will always have a secure place to live and be able to pay our bills on time. I never want to go back to the marginal way of living I came from.

So long as we both work full time we could continue on pretty much as we have been, minus any exotic travel anytime soon. But my husband is 63. At some point the time will come for him to step away from his job. Also, just from a point of prudence, I'd like to be in a position so that if something were to happen to either one of us (or to the jobs we hold) that we'd still be able to manage.

That was a big part of why we chose to sell our place in Athena. To get out from under the mortgage and to free us up to be able to choose to stay here or leave to another area depending on what opportunities came up.

But now that we are in the process of selling that house we have to decide what next.
Do we buy some tiny little place here locally that we can get for $120K or less? Or do we keep the money in the bank as a parachute against potential woe in the future and continue to rent our current place out at the farm?

How do I feel about where I live? I admit I do miss having my big fancy house where I was comfortable doing lots of entertaining. But I've kind of gotten over the worst of the homesickness I initially felt when we left it. I've come to appreciate the snug house we are in now in a lot of ways, even though I don't have walk in closets or a garage. (With all the snow we have now I REALLY miss the garage!)

As I plan for the future, what factors will determine how much is enough in what sort of house I expect to have or how much wiggle room I need in my budget to feel comfortable rather than stressing over the wolf at the door?

My ideas about this are in flux at the moment - shimmering with iridescent contrast between wanting something VERY simple and basic on some days while other days I long for something more upscale. Also the level of anxiety I feel on a day to day basis over the current financial crisis in our national economy varies a lot. At this point I don't even want to open up the statements for our investment savings. I just want to stick them in a box for later, cover my eyes and ears and shout LA LA LA LA so I don't have to see or hear about the decline anymore. Some days it makes me crazy, and I fret hopelessly about having 30 years of hard work and savings go up in smoke. Other days I'm more serene, trusting that even if we have to adjust our lifestyle considerably from what we had planned, God knows our needs and will provide for them. We may not get much extra, but I generally have confidence that we will have enough.

How much is enough? As I come to know more and more people who are living in serious poverty I see my grumbling about giving up the excess of my former abundance as rather petty.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having abundance. But as I wrestle with how I feel about what I have now, what I most appreciate, what I long for, what I think of as futile pipe dream that I NEVER expect to get...it's interesting which things land on which lists. How DO I decide how much is "enough"?

How about you?

A Man Out Standing in his Field

One more post about the man I love...

My beloved is a field researcher. He has spent the past 37 years doing experiments of one sort or another on various agricultural chemicals.

Here in this picture he is out working on his variety tolerance test. Basically what he does is stick all those little stakes that you see in the ground to mark off plots that are about 6 foot by 30 feet. Each plot gets a different code number. The ground has been planted with six different kinds of wheat. Each variety gets four different treatments of herbicides. Then my handsome man goes out to gaze at this field two or three times throughout the season to rate whether or not there was any damage to the wheat from any of the different rates of the various types of chemicals. He rates any damage on a percentage scale and compares that to the untreated controls. This particular test has 96 sticks in the ground separating out the various treatment rates, and the one next to it has 168 sticks. There's another behind it that has 200. And that's only about half of the test plots he has out. So he is using that fancy pants scientific graduate degree of his to put sticks in the ground much of the time!

Other tests he is currently working on include weed control in grass grown for seed, and weed control with several different chemicals in wheat.

Over the years he has worked with insecticides, fungicides, herbicides, plant growth regulators and just about any kind of pest control you can imagine. He has done tests in cotton fields, citrus and vegetables in Arizona, corn, soybeans and fruit in the Midwest, tree fruits in Washington and now he works with wheat and grass here in Oregon. I tease him sometimes that working with all those chemicals is going to make his belly button glow in the dark. But he's careful and he's smart. He does important work that helps farmers understand what chemicals work and what do not, what rates are safe and how to maximize crops.

Many people think we'd be way better off to quit using chemicals all together and go back to the "natural" ways of farming. But it simply isn't realistic for us to be able to feed the world without relying on chemical fertilizers and pesticides. Manure has its place (they use it here at the farm where we live), but it also has its limitations. With the agribusiness industry farming hundreds of thousands of acres there is no way to deal with weeds and bugs by hand. So if they are going to use chemical interventions to increase productivity, I'm glad there are people like my husband who do the research and development work to make sure what chemicals are safest under what conditions rather than just willy nilly pouring out poisons like people used to do with DDT.

Part of the time he is a farmer, out on a tractor planting crops. Part of the time he is a scientist compiling and analyzing data to measure the results of his tests. Part of the time he is a business man meeting with growers to give presentations and answer questions about what works and what doesn't.

Having grown up on a farm in Millard County, Utah he learned from a very early age the value of hard work and over the years has developed a work ethic with more integrity than anyone else I know. He works hard when there's work to be done. When the job is done he won't stand around trying to look busy. He either moves on to the next task or goes fishing. He's extremely responsible and dependable.

Can ya tell yet that I really, REALLY admire this guy?

I love his sense of humor and his sense of adventure. But I truly respect what a hard worker he is and all the things he has done to support our family over the years.

Tomorrow he turns 63. So I baked him a pineapple upside down cake from scratch and we'll spend the evening playing board games and visiting with friends.

Happy Birthday sweetie...wishing you many, many more.

Deciding What We Want to Be When We Grow Up

This morning I got a message from a guy over on Facebook asking for input on whether or not to change his major to Sociology.

As I crafted my answer to him I pondered some about the circuitous route many of us take in finding our life path.

When I was a kid playing imaginary games I NEVER thought "I want to be a Sociologist when I grow up!" It just sort of happened. Like many in the field, I was seduced into the study by the influence of a very charismatic instructor who made me feel like understanding SOC was akin to having a secret de-coder ring. Every situation I looked at took on new implications of meaning when viewed from the sociological perspective.

Then, when work started coming my way as a result of my SOC contacts that reaffirmed for me that I was on the right path.

But how do we really CHOOSE what area of study is the best fit?

As I told George, NO MATTER WHAT we major in, it is possible to get stuck in a dead end job or not be able to find a job, and NO MATTER WHAT we study it is possible to find a niche that fits. My kid brother got a heavy duty degree in materials engineering from MIT and then went into banking. Go figure.

It is an illusion to think that any certain certificate from any certain college will lead to "the good life." But the networking with professors and others in the field can sure help to open some doors.

I'm curious. For those of you who read this who have the blessing of a college education, how did you decide what to study? For those who never went to college - if it were handed to you on a silver platter, what would you LIKE to study?

How much do you think it makes sense to plan and design your life's work and how much of it is getting out of your own way and watching it unfold?

WORK

My oldest brother came for a visit (he lives in Santa Fe, NM) and we have had the most delicious time visiting. I can talk to him at a level that I share with no one else.

One of the topics we have discussed has been work... what we are willing to give to it, what we expect back from it, how it impacts the rest of our lives.

EVERY job I have ever had (even the really stinky ones) have had elements that were satisfying, and EVERY job I have had (even my very favorite positions) have had parts to them that I did not like.

How we each strike a balance between how much satisfaction we need and how much distasteful parts we are willing to endure is different for everyone.

Here is what I have figured out about me in terms of work:

1) It is important to me to believe in what I do. I cannot do jobs that I think are exploitive, harmful or unethical.

2) It is important to me to feel mastery is possible. I really REALLY want to be good at what I do. I know there is always learning curve involved when I start something new, but I have to believe I will have the tools and support to eventually get proficient at whatever I am assigned to do.

3)My physical environment matters. I cannot stand working in cubicles. While I can certainly share space with others, having some degree of access to privacy matters a lot to me.

4) I need at least one ally I can trust. Recently I had an experience at work where I erred in how much I said to someone. I shared information I should have kept to myself, it got back to others in a way I did not expect it to and then reflected badly on both me and my agency. OUCH. I won't do that again. Still, I do know that I need to identify someone I CAN be open with and vent to when things are nutty. I just need to be more careful of who that is and even when I choose well, STILL need to have some caution in levels of disclosure. Once information is out of my mouth I have no control over where it goes. So I need to do a better job of recognizing how open/authentic I can be when I am in my work role.

5. I need to learn how to turn it off. I woke up at 4:30 this morning thinking about work, fretting over some of the challenges I have facing me. It's SUNDAY. I should be able to focus on a day of rest, worship, connection with my real life and my spirituality this Sabbath day - NOT worrying over what I have coming up in the next few days. There will be time enough for that as it unfolds. This is something I'm not sure how to get better at. I have this pilot light of concern about my job that seldom goes out, and at times I let it consume way too much of my energy.

I've been at my current job for 3 months now. In some ways it feels like a very good match. In some ways not. I do admit I have reservations about how long I'll be able to maintain this sort of role.

Lately I've been frustrated, discouraged and overwhelmed about some aspects of my job that I have no control over. I'm hoping I can shift that so I can focus more on the areas I do have some ability to influence and let go of railing against some of the things I simply cannot change. For now, I'm trying to regroup and commit to doing the very best job I can there. I want to stay open to the lessons it has to teach me, and to make the best contribution I can.

This Man is my HERO!

I've been giving lots of thought to finding BALANCE. Since taking on my new job I've fallen back into old habits. I've had some SERIOUS relapse into my compulsive worker-bee type-A personality ways. Working 10-12 hour days. Never knowing how to turn it off. Even when I was home, thinking about work all the time.

My complete emotional melt down over recent basement flood was a real wake up call for me that I needed to change some things and get back on track.

So I am trying to re-learn how to pace myself and how to set boundaries, how to ask for help. To that end, the gentleman you see pictured here has come to my rescue in a very significant way. He has agreed to be responsible for the company cell phone on the weekends. My 24/7 shackle to that thing is finally at an end.

In truth, I rarely got many calls on the weekends. But I ALWAYS knew I MIGHT. And I have gone in to work far too many weekends. It was time to put a stop to that.

So this weekend I handed it over on Friday. I will pick it up again on Monday morning. But between now and then I don't have to think about work AT ALL. I came home and took a long hot bubble bath. I stayed in bed till 9:30 this morning - UNHEARD OF for me. I puttered in the yard. I read some blogs. I got caught up with my online classes. I took the dog for a walk. I never left the farm.

Tomorrow I will go to church and then spend the afternoon working on a project for my church. Our Relief Society (women's organization) put together a book a few years ago that has a page for each woman in the congregation giving contact info, birthday, list of family members, favorite color, favorite food, hobbies, talents and then a picture. It's a great little directory for getting acquainted. Problem is, the one they did is several years old. Some have moved in, some have moved out, a couple have died. Many have had kids and a few have changed marital status. So it needs updating. I've taken on the task, so I will spend some time scanning pictures to include with the pages and making calls to verify current info. It's a nice way for me to get to know the women in my new congregation.

Afterwards I think I might make some zucchini bread. or not. I might take a nap. Basically, this weekend I am OFF DUTY and doing all I can to rest and recharge my batteries. It's long overdue.

So thanks, Paul. I appreciate your support more than you know.

FLOOD ZONE

The past few days have been rather interesting to say the least.

Saturday I spent the entire morning with my husband trying to fix a client's blocked up plumbing. Earlier attempts with a plunger & Liquid Plumber had proven ineffective, so this time we got serious. We rented a snake and ran that through for about 75 feet. Pulled out lots of VERY DISGUSTING stuff from the access pipe out in the yard. Let's just say the lawn has now been thoroughly watered and fertilized. YUCK! Yeah, being the "Executive Director" of a small non-profit is certain GLAMOROUS work, eh?

Then Sunday evening I got a call from one of the ladies living in the Emergency Housing program my organization runs, in the building shared by my office. She said we had water in our basement. I thought it was all together possible she was over-reacting/exaggerating. It had rained some recently and so I figured it was quite possible we had some draining coming in downstairs. But just to be sure I drove in the 45 min commute on SUNDAY to see if there was any serious concern.

HOLY TOMATOES!!!

We had between 4 - 6 inches of water all over the basement floor and it was still rising. Apparently the plastic waterline to the evaporative cooler popped off and water had been spraying down there for no telling how long.

Boxes of bedding, donated clothes, computer monitor and all sorts of supplies utterly soaked.







Just looking at all the ruined stuff and the amount of work it was going to take to get it out of there I freaked. I had myself a complete meltdown. I wound up sitting on the basement steps just sobbing for about half an hour.

MOST of the parts of my job I actually like and feel like I'm pretty good at. But over the last few weeks I've put in lots of extra hours and had very little sleep. I've been scrambling to play catch up on several fronts that had been let slide for far too long. With a shoe string budget and essentially no staff (thank God for a few committed volunteers!) I've often felt as if I were on a high wire without a net. I was dancing as fast as I could and just didn't see how I was supposed to do it all.

Then this...

It just pushed me over the top.

But today is a new day and things are looking MUCH brighter.

Yesterday one of my board members brought over a sump pump to start draining out the water. Then this morning group of homeless vets assisted by some run-of-the-mill hoodlums and gangsters hauled all the wet stuff out onto the lawn and made good use of a shop-vac and mops. One of my volunteers and I sorted through all the mucky wet stuff to decide what we would try to salvage and what to just throw away. Local community action agency provided a trailer and someone to take it to the dump. What was an utter catastrophe this morning was a completed clean up project by mid day.



It's still pretty damp in the basement, so we'll be running fans down there for the next couple days. But the worst of the flood is over and truth be known, I'm GRATEFUL we were able to get rid of a bunch of the stuff that was down there that I had serious questions about BEFORE it got flooded.

I still have lots to do and not enough resources to do it with. But I'm feeling far more confidant today that I can face whatever the world throws at me.

Lessons learned from this escapade are:
1. ASK FOR HELP
2. Pace Yourself
3. Keep your sense of humor

I really need to get it through my head that I CAN'T do it all by myself. But as I seek support from others, it's amazing what we can accomplish together.

Busier Than a One Man Band

Ah, a day in the life of busy lady with more tasks than sense:

I head out the door bright and early for the 45 minute commute to work. I begin the day at work at 7:30AM with some policy planning and then do a pile of data entry in my ongoing efforts to create an accurate data-base of all the clients who have been served in the past four years. (Yeah, I KNOW I could delegate this to a volunteer, but I want to check and double check it for accuracy and have it set up MY way since the last system somebody else did had some significant holes in it...)

Next I meet with a couple of established clients, answer my e-mail, take WAY too many phone calls, do an intake on a new client, go to a lunch meeting at local college, and then come back to office to once more enter the fray.

I write thank you notes to some recent donors, work with a volunteer to set up some new files and shift how a few things are tracked, sort out papers on desk....

GULP, take a breath.

I review case files, plan out new tracking method, read through grant application, answer MORE e-mail, take MORE phone calls, set upcoming calendar, fiddle with some technology that refuses to work.

Then, meet with board members and state representatives to talk about Very Important Stuff, finish up office for the day by around 5:30...commute home...Stop at library along the way to pick up a few more audio books to keep me company on my daily drive.

I get home a little after 7:00 PM, go right back out to pick up computer from very nice man who agreed to fix work computer for free since struggling non-profit is on shoe-string budget. FINALLY get home after 8PM to stay and then I start my OTHER job

I hit the computer to put the finishing touches on the two online classes I'll be doing again this term - students start previewing this week and courses "officially" begin next Monday. I THINK I've got everything set.

Then there is the laundry, some bills to pay, two check books to balance, go for walk with the dog, plan what I need to send my sister-in-law and son for upcoming birthdays, read over the lesson I'll be teaching next for the youth Sunday School class, make "to do" list of stuff I don't want to forget (make dental appt, change oil in car, buy light bulbs)

Is it any wonder I feel utterly pooped? I think I need a long hot bubble bath and a frivolous magazine.

So far I'm holding it together...but I can feel myself getting a bit fuzzy around the edges. And it's only MONDAY.

I have to just keep thinking of the mantra of The Little Engine That Could.

Somewhere in there along my day I started to feel rather overwhelmed. Is it any surprise? But when that comes I find if I just STOP, take several deep breaths and two solid minutes of FOCUSED GRATITUDE it really, really helps.

I list in my mind a bunch of blessings. Instead of bitching about how far I have to drive to get to work, I am GRATEFUL I have a good, reliable car that runs well and gets decent gas mileage. Instead of whining about all the drama and responsibility I juggle at work I can be GRATEFUL that I have a good job that for the most part suits me well. When I get really tired and think I'm running in too many directions at once I take a moment to recognize and fully APPRECIATE the opportunities and blessings that are surrounding me.

Piece by piece I deliberately redirect my mind and emotions away from all the things that feel like stress producers and focus on the things that make me smile, or the tools I have that will make it possible to accomplish all I have to do.

I DO think it would serve me well to re-evaluate how I am managing my time and look for ways to make more effective strategies for what I do myself and what I delegate. I need to be sure I make plenty of room for SLEEP, for self care, for quality time in my family relationships. I don't want to be so caught up in my to do list that I sweep the things that really matter under the rug.

But even though there are some challenges, I DO have much to be grateful for. And for now, leaning on THAT knowledge is what is getting me through each day.

Do you believe in Omens?

Yesterday at work I had a LOT to take care of. I was feeling just wee bit overwhelmed by my very full plate. I've made some significant progress at organizing / restructuring the organization in the short time I've been there. But sometimes I feel like I'm scooping out the ocean with a teacup.

Then yesterday one of my volunteers came into my office holding a long piece of flowering vine. She was very concerned. I asked her what the problem was. She said "Have you seen this? It's growing all over out front. We better get rid of it." I looked at her blankly and asked "why, what is it?"

The answer? Deadly Nightshade. Also known as BELLADONNA.

Go figure. It's the first time I've seen the actual plant. We trimmed it back some but I left a small piece to grow where it is not likely to be an enticement for kids or animals. I just couldn't erradicate the stuff. Yeah, the berries are quite poisonous. But there are lots of poisonous plants we keep around like oleander and poinsettias. I'm not about to rip out my namesake just because it has some toxins.

Last week I purchased a new hose and sprinkler so we could begin regularly watering the MUCH neglected yard. All sorts of new life is springing up where previously there was nothing but dirt and a few scraggly weeds around the house that serves as my office. We've got autumn crocuses blooming, some sort of white trumpet flower and now this. BELLADONNA has made a home all along the front of the house.

I felt like it was telling me I was right where I belonged.