Shameless Groupie

There were many reasons we chose to move to Boise in 2010. But let's face it, there are other towns that have equally nice climates, affordable housing and access to beauty.

What I would not have had if we had moved other places would have been the opportunity to hang out with my musician brother, Andy Pendley.

Tonight Larry and I went to go hear Shakin' Not Stirred, the band that Andy plays in, at Lock Stock & Barrel.

Most of their tunes I am familiar with. Still, it's great fun to go time and again to share in the energy these musicians crank out together. First and foremost I am a fan because it's my big brother on lead guitar. Beyond that, however, I genuinely have a good time every time we hear them play and enjoy the music. Some of the work is truly stunning.

Tonight as we were listening to their rendition of one of my favorite songs, "Hang Tough", from their 1st CD I got a big silly grin on my face and looked over at my husband with tears in my eyes and said "I am SO grateful we moved to Boise. I am so glad we get to do stuff like this."

I truly am richly blessed.

30 Years

Thirty years ago today I married my best friend. I am stunned at how blessed we have been in this relationship. I feel so honored to have had the opportunity to share these three decades with this man. He makes me laugh. He has incredible integrity. He has a phenomenal work ethic and did an amazing job of supporting two families for many years. Now that he is retired he continues to be a phenomenal father and husband. He is a huge support to me in more ways than I can count. Yes, I love him deeply. Beyond that, I genuinely LIKE this guy. We are not just hanging out together. We are truly a team and both of us are better people because of the union we share. My life has been surrounded by so much trust, kindness and possibility because of him. In good times and dark times, we both lift each other up. Happy anniversary my beloved. May we have many, many more years to come.

Scanning Madness

About a month ago or there abouts I received eight boxes that were delivered to my doorstep by fed ex. Every one of the boxes pictured here were crammed full with photographs, documents, letters and personal papers going back three generations in my family. These boxes held the collection of genealogy, photo albums and various STUFF that had belong to my mother, her mother, and her mother before her. My aunt and uncle had gathered it all up from my grandmother's house in Cottonwood, AZ after her death in 1988. They sorted through it some, but it has mostly sat in boxes for over 20 years. Finally they decided something should be done with the collection, so they sent it all to me.

Oh my.

There are some absolute TREASURES in these boxes. There are photographs I had never seen or knew even existed. However, those treasures are mixed in with a whole lot of...um, junk. At least it is junk to me. My mother had the best of intentions, but she didn't have much sense of order. And, it would appear, she came by that habit honestly. Her mother's records are no more organized than my mom's.

So I've been spending LOTS of time going through these boxes piece by piece by piece, trying to sort out what is there - separating the wheat from the chaff. I've thrown away a lot of stuff. (Multiple copies of many photographs, EVERY card my mother got at her wedding, 15 copies of the newspaper that had her engagement photo in it, along with lots of old correspondence with strangers trying to track down various genealogy leads. (Thank you God for making research a whole lot easier these days since the invention of the internet.)

For the first couple weeks after the boxes came the contents took over every horizontal surface of my house as I painstakingly separated things out into specific piles: grandma photos here, Mom's sibs over there, my sibs in this pile, various cousins over there.

Sadly, there were quite a few of the really old pictures I have no idea whatsoever who they are of - including five tintypes that I suspect belonged to my great grandmother.

However, for pictures that I DO recognize I am absolutely determined to get them all cataloged so that when I go pinchers up no one will find stacks and stacks of boxes of disorganized clutter peppered with family treasures. That's one family tradition I'd just as soon not take on.

So I've been scanning all photos and posting quite a few of them onto the family blog that I started a while back. Then I mailed out several boxes to give pictures back to the various family groups they came from. Little by little I am whittling away at my piles.

I've reclaimed my living room and there are no more pictures on the dining room table. My office however, is still more than a catastrophe. There is simply no way I know to get through this project without making one heck of a mess.

I'll be glad when I get it done and can get my work space back in order. But right now I am incredibly thankful for the treasures of family images and records that have been gifted to me. It has been a fascinating process to go through it all.

I just wish I could find my desk.

Back in the Saddle

I've been out of town for the past week, visiting my grown up sons and eight grandkids back in Michigan. It was a delight to get to spend time with them all, and as ever difficult to leave them again.

I've been musing on how goodbyes never get any easier. Every other task I can think of seems to get easier with practice. My proficiency increases with repetition. Alas, parting from those I love is not like that. My first day or two back is always a difficult time as I adjust all over again to the awareness of all I'm missing out on in their lives and the bleak knowledge that those kids are growing up without much influence from me.

Try as I might to stay in touch with phone calls, email and facebook along with the occasional fun care package, our face to face visits happen only one week a year. Distance and dollars prohibit any more. Still, through those annual visits we have formed a bond that holds tight through the years. I hold fast to that in my mind and already look forward to next year.

Of course when we returned my gardens had gone through all sorts of transformation. The peonies and foxglove are all spent and the delphiniums very nearly so. Now we have roses and lilies blooming and the lamb's ear is really taking off. The squash and tomatoes in our raised beds went crazy. On the down side, the spinach, swiss chard and cilantro all bolted in my absence and without daily diligence weeds in the flowerbeds have sprung up with abandon.

I wish I had the time to really dig in to get everything ship shape again for the dog days of summer. But tomorrow I go back to work...no doubt to a "to-do" list that grew as much as my weeds while I was gone.

So for a while I was feeling grumpy, frustrated, out of sorts as I struggled with a combination of hot weather, messy garden, missing my family, and just plain jet lag from the trip home. But, blessedly, today I've been able to put my stinky mood behind me.

Changes and transitions, ever shifting seasons are the warp and weave of my life. Some times come easy and vibrant - like spring time in my garden, other times have bumps, like now.

Western culture focuses so much on what is quick, what is easy, what satisfies cravings for pleasure with little patience for the sweat times, the difficulties, the stones in our shoes. But if I've learned anything in my 53 years in this world it is that some of my best lessons have come from responding to the challenges. While I'm not one to seek out hardship, I will not discount the lessons. I love the saying I see painted on plaques now and again about how the challenge of life in not to avoid all the storms, but rather to learn how to dance in the rain.

In truth, I have just enough bumps in the road right now to remind me how blessed I really am. I wish I had a thinner waist and a fatter bank account. I wish I had more discretionary time. I wish I had more contact with my family. I wish the laundry fairy knew where I live. I wish I had more blossoms and less weeds in my garden. I wish my sweet husband would get over his cold. On a deeper level I do worry some about some concerns affecting some of my family. But I am practing acceptance, and doing my best to sincerely let go of the things over which I have absolutely no control.

Sure, there are times I wish and wish and wish about this and that which could be different. But rather than grumble about having to go back to work tomorrow I will count myself grateful that I have a job. Instead of bemoaning all the weeds in my garden, I will celebrate that I have a yard that grows so well. And rather than sulk any more about being so far away from my sons and their families I will be ever so glad that I live in a time when jet travel allows me to get to them in a day - even if it only happens once a year.

I think of all the early pioneer families who went west for faith or fortune, never to see their families back east again.

As for the bigger things, I'll just have to trust that things will work out in the end how ever they are supposed to. For now, rather than fretting, I choose to focus on the blessings. I'm no Pollyanna with rose colored glasses ignoring the rough spots. I see the dark alongside the light. But I am determined to point the spotlight of my attention to what brings me joy and makes me feel alive, rather than sink into discouragement or overwhelm over the problems I have no control over.

As I prepare lectures for my upcoming fall semester class I am reminded about the Reticular Activating System in my brain that only allows me to pay attention to a tiny fraction of what is going on around me. Since I only get a small slice, it just makes sense to be sure I pick the right slice to notice and fully experience. So I aim to do my best at choosing the bright spots - despite some challenges that lie lurking. That's not to say I won't have days when the hard things loom large, threatening to take over. But for now I am feeling closer to a positive balance, and that's a good thing.

Differences in Traditions

My same pal, Tristi, that I mentioned in my previous post is also a contributing writer to Families.Com - a commercial blog about marriage and family issues. I've been mining through back posts there to see if there might be any good info I can glean for the sociology class in Marriage & the Family I will be teaching for CWI this Spring Term.

After several years of teaching primarily online classes I am excited about the chance to get back into the classroom. I've arranged my schedule at my full time job to allow me release time to do this traditional face to face class one day a week. That will give me a very full plate to fit it all in. But with some strategic time management I'm pretty sure I'll be ok.

So as I read through some of the posts Tristi has written I was very impressed by the timely piece she did on "Differences in Traditions"

Whether it be in how couples handle the holidays, general philosophies about money management in a marriage, views on child rearing or relationships with in-laws, one of the challenges of any marriage is bringing together people with different life experiences and different ways of doing things. For those who have the added challenge of being from completely different cultures, or even as in my case having a wide age gap between partners that can create generational perspective differences, it can require some interesting negotiating.

I think one of the most significant things Tristi pointed out in her blog post on this topic is that the modern day tradition we act out may be a RESPONSE to earlier experience rather that a continuation of things handed down from the past. She talks about the importance to her of giving her kids special gifts for Christmas because she grew up without much in the way of material sparkle. In a way, providing an abundant Christmas for her family now is reaching back to the kid she used to be and making up for what she missed out on. Her husband grew up with over-the-top Christmas celebrations throughout his life. For him, the glitz and glamour is far less important.

These words hit home to me with a vengeance. I can see how in several cases, not just at Christmas, I have done things for my kids that were more about responding to my own sense of what I had missed out on growing up than they were about meeting a present need they had.

What sort of tradition differences do you have in your family? How do you negotiate which style of Christmas (or other things) will win out at your house these days? I'd be really interested to hear.

Sibling Joy

I've been in Idaho just over three months now. Each week it begins to feel more like home.

I love my house, and the new job seems to be a good fit. I enjoy the views of the mountains and have appreciated so much about living here. There are a lot of reasons that coming to Boise has been a blessing. But there is absolutely no question that the greatest blessing of all coming here has been the renewed closeness between by big brother and I.

Rather than being limited to a few 1 or 2 day visits scattered months apart after a four hour drive, we now get to hang out, support one another and appreciate each other's company in completely new ways. I was available to pick him up at the airport after a trip back east. He has been there for me in more ways than I can count. Whether we are helping each other out in practical ways or just getting silly together telling stories and laughing after a shared meal, living this close to my bro has brought a mountain of joy into my life.

Then a couple weeks ago we pulled off an amazing coo. We got ALL of our siblings together for the first time in five years, and the first time ever as adults that did not involve either a wedding or a funeral.

We've all had visits with each other in different combinations over the years. But for one reason or another someone was always missing. Somehow having us ALL together at once again, and this time with no emotionally charged agenda of nuptuals or bereavment allowed us all to relax and enjoy each other in a whole new way. We had a delicious time visiting, reminiscing, sharing some great meals and making music. With two of us living just 7 1/2 miles apart we were able to take turns hosting the tribe and it just worked out well for everybody.

They say your family can really push your buttons because they helped INSTALL your buttons. In years past, being around my sibs at times has been a trigger for some pretty conflicted emotions for me. Old jealousies or memories of past slights would raise their ugly heads. But not this visit. We all genuinely enjoyed each other and savored just the right mix of "remember when" and catching up on each others very grown up lives. It was fabulous.

I don't know how much Idaho will continue to be the gathering place for our clan...it may be that we'll arrange other visits to give equal time to the homes of our other sibs. That's fine by me. But for this first precedent setting get together I think it took the critical mass of having at least two of us in one spot to break through our years long inertia of being too caught up in our work-a-day lives to set our sibling relationships as a priority.

I don't expect we'll suddenly start having frequent contact. Beyond the geographic separation of my other sibs (Colorado, New Mexico and California) they each have demanding jobs, families and other things that keep us going in separate directions.

But being here in Boise has definitely taught me what a blessing it can be to build a grown up friendship with my sib here. So I can't help but hope that it will not be another five years till the rest of us all get together again. There is something so sacred about the relationship with brothers and sisters. We're all pretty different. If we just met each other in a social gathering who knows if we'd even necessarily like each other? But because of our shared history and mutual willingness to extend ourselves for each other despite our differences, all of us have been very richly blessed.

Utah for the weekend

I just got back from a quick trip to Utah for the weekend. My husband's family has a tradition of gathering for a family reunion each year on the Saturday before Memorial day. This year things were different, because one of the cousins died last week. She had struggled with a tough battle with cancer for the past several months. Sadly, recovery was not to be. So instead of the usual pot luck dinner up at the field in the hills above town we all met for the funeral and luncheon afterward. It was a bittersweet time, sad to say goodbye far too soon to one we all loved. (She was just 63). Still, it was meaningful to celebrate a life lived well and to reconnect as a family.

Then, later in the evening, several of us did head up to the field for an evening weenie roast.









We sat around visiting, watching the shifting light over the field where we gather every year.

My beloved and I took two of the little girls on "An Adventure"...an exploring walk through the surrounding hills examining bugs and rocks and flowers. They learned about lichen and we looked at various animal tracks. Their major discovery was seeing three kinds of poop and noticing the difference in each one (deer, elk and cow.) Oh to be young and retain the wonder and curiosity for all the world they way they do. We all had a great time.

As the evening wore on the sky came alive with an amazing sunset, which is actually pretty common for that place but still never gets old...



It was just a quick trip, but still a very good time reconnecting in the place where my husband grew up, visiting with his family. One of the blessings of our move to Boise is we are closer to them now and will be able to spend more time there than just once a year at reunion time. It's not a place I'd ever want to live, but without question is is a very special place that we feel richer for being able to visit when we can.

QUESTIONS

A couple years ago I wrote a posting about the Empty Nesters Family Home Evening that my husband and I participate in. I mentioned the Questions that I use for helping people write their personal histories.

I just got an email from someone who read that post and was requesting the full set of questions to use for a lesson in her ward. I happily emailed them as an attachment. But I figured what the heck, I might as well post the whole set here in case any one else may want them.

As I told the person making the request, there are several ways to use these questions:

1. I gave the whole set to my father in law. He would write out the answers to 1 or 2 every Sunday afternoon after church as a Sabbath activity. I then typed them all up and now have 32 pages of amazing stories of his life.

2. You can COPY each page on a different brightly colored paper. Then cut the questions into strips with one question on each strip. (You can curl them if you want to get fancy, or just fold them into squares) Put the bright colored strips in a clear jar. Use them at gatherings of family or friends by passing around the jar and having each person pull one out to answer verbally.

3. To write your own personal history, set up a 3 ring loose leaf notebook with 1 page for each of the different questions. When writing your own life story sometimes telling one story gets you thinking about another, but if you keep tangenting in your narrative the history gets confusing. By having them on separate pages you can flip back and forth to write as much or as little about each question. You can always go back to elaborate or edit if you choose. Then you can later shuffle them into whatever order you want (by topic, by time period, etc)

So with that being said - here are the questions. Enjoy! (I still have not written these all out for ME...I guess I better get busy, eh?)



SET 1:

CHILDHOOD

Describe the house you grew up in.
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Describe your yard as a child.
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What toys did you play with as a child?
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What games did you play as a child?
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Were you responsible for household chores? What were they? What did
you like most or least?
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How much was your first allowance? Was it conditional, when did it
start?
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Tell about any pets you had as a child.
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Tell about your neighbors as a child.
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Tell about school ( special teachers, friends, achievements,
activities, or humorous situations).
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Describe a sound from your childhood.
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As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
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What do you remember about stores when you were a child? Can you
recall shopping with mother?
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Describe the downtown of your childhood.
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Did you take any special lessons a child?
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Do you recall any special summer trips or vacations when you were
growing up?
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What were you afraid of as a child?
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What did you do as a child that got you in the most trouble with your
parents? What did they do?
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Did you ever steal as a child? If so, were you caught? What
happened?
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What is a special smell you remember from your childhood?
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What do you remember about Easter as a child?
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Tell about a fourth of July from your childhood.
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Tell about Halloween as a child.
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Tell about Thanksgivings when you were growing up.
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What do you remember about Christmas as a child?
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Describe getting a Christmas tree as a child.
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YOUTH

What do you remember about yourself as a teenager. What was important
to you?
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Describe a typical school day during your junior high years.
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Describe your favorite dress or a special outfit you wore as a youth.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tell about any exciting experiences in scouting or any clubs you were
a member of as a youth.
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Tell about how, when and where you learned to drive.
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Tell about your first crush. What was he or she like?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Describe the fashions that were popular when you were a youth. What
is popular now?
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If you went to college, describe the experience. If not, tell what
you were doing in your 20's.
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COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE

Tell about your courtship
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How did you become engaged?
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Tell about your wedding. Where was it? Who was there? Was there a
reception?
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Describe your wedding dress (or wife’s wedding dress).
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What were your fears, expectations, anticipations, etc. about getting
married?
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What convinced you most in your choice of a spouse?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
How did you meet your in-laws? Describe your relationship with them.
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Describe your first home or apartment on your own or when newly married.
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Write a want ad that describes your husband or wife.
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FAMILY

Tell about your Mother. (Describe physically, her personality,
talents, role in your home)
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Describe your father. What was he like physically? What work did he
do? Personality?
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Tell about your parent’s philosophy of raising children, discipline,
rules, etc.
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In what ways are you like your parents and in what ways are you
different?
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Tell about your brothers and sisters.
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Describe your grandparents.
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Describe a night at Grandma’s house.
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Tell about a favorite relative.
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Tell about any ancestors you have heard special stories of.
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Tell about property your family owned.
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Tell about anything you may have inherited from a family member.
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Tell about the birth(s) of your child(ren).
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Tell about each of your children’s names and how they were chosen.
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Describe your relationship(s) with your child(ren).
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Tell about a humorous or clever thing one of your children said.
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Tell about a family crisis and how it was resolved.
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Tell about family feuds and how they were or were not resolved.
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Tell about your feelings toward your grandchildren.
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RELIGION

Tell about religious practices in your home when you were growing up.
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How do you feel about religion now?
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Describe your beliefs about God.
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What is one of your favorite scriptures, and why?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tell about influential spiritual/religious leaders you may have met or how a
particular church teacher influenced you.
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If you could meet any spiritual leader (living or dead) who would it be
and why?
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Describe your conversion to the gospel.
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Tell about an experience when you shared the gospel with another
person.
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Tell about an experience when you stood up for what you believed was
right.
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Describe your Sabbath days
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Tell about the first time you went to the temple.
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Tell about a faith promoting experience from your life.
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Record your testimony.
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LIFE EXPERIENCES

Describe your first paying job. What was your salary?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tell about the places you have worked.
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Tell your feelings about the work you have done. If you were to start
all over, what work would you choose?
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Describe any sports you have played.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Were you ever in a theatrical production? Tell about it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Do you speak a foreign language? If so, how did you learn? If not
would you like to? Why?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Have you ever won a contest or a special prize?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Were you ever in the military? If so, when and where did you serve?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Describe the influence of wars on your life.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Where were you on an important day in history?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tell about a special trip taken as an adult.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tell about some of the changes you’ve seen during your life (technology,
fashion, politics, etc.)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tell about tools you have used.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Describe an invention which impressed you during your life.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Have you ever tried anything really dangerous? How did it feel?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tell about a dramatic experience involving weather.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Have you ever had a serious injury? Describe how it happened and tell
of your recovery.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tell about some special challenge which you were able to overcome.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tell about a camping trip you went on.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tell about any hobbies or collections you have or have had.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tell about a trip to the dentist.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tell about the medical care you had while growing up - How does this
compare to today?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tell about your first car. What type of car do you have now? What
kind of car would you like?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Describe a parade you were in or one you saw.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tell about animals you raised.
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Tell about a garden you have had.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Describe the typical groceries you buy today and tell what they cost.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Describe how travel has changed during your life.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you celebrate Christmas now? Do you have any special
traditions that are meaningful? If so, why?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Describe how you celebrate other holidays now.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
What was your most embarrassing moment?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tell about a favorite fishing experience .
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tell about a city you have visited.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tell about the coldest winter you can remember.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tell about any natural disaster you may have experienced,
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tell about a significant loss you experienced.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tell about a funeral you attended.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Describe a turning point in your life.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tell about a special gift which you received.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Describe a dream you have had.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tell about a gift which you gave someone else that you have special
feelings about.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tell about the strangest food you ever ate.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Describe the house where you live now.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Describe your yard where you live now
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Describe your life today.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Describe yourself physically.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Do you have a special talent or skill?
----------------------------------------------------------------------



PERSONAL PHILOSOPHY

How do you feel about politics?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
What kind of music do you like now? Do you recall any special type
of music from childhood?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you think about television? Do you have any favorite shows?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you feel about winning? How do you feel about losing?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you think brings good or bad luck?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
What personality trait do you admire most, and why?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tell about your philosophy for handling money.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
What is your greatest joy? Your greatest sorrow?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
What was the best advice you ever got? Did you follow it?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the biggest lesson in life you have found to be true?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you feel about reading? What did you read as a child? What do you read
now?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
What would you like to be doing five years from now? Ten years from
now?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Describe your attitudes towards death.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you could meet any movie star you wanted, who would it be and why?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you could meet any political leader you wanted, who would it be and
why?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
What goals do you have at this point in your life?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
What are your most precious and deeply imbedded values?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tell about your views on growing older.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
How has the women’s movement affected your life?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
How has the civil rights movement affected your life?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tell the influence that music, theater, dance, art or literature has
had on your life.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
What are you afraid of?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tell about how you deal with anger.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
What are your food preferences? What do you like and dislike?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Describe your favorite dessert.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
What flowers do you like?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
What one possession you own is dearest to you?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you were stuck on an island with just 5 books, what would you want
them to be? Why?
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Describe your favorite season.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Describe a favorite summer day
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Describe a favorite autumn day.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Describe someplace in nature that is special to you.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you could travel any place that you wanted to, where would it be
and why?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you had a time machine that would allow you to go to any time you
chose, when would it be? Why?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Do you consider yourself more of an introvert or an extrovert?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
What is your idea of a dream vacation?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Are you more of a leader or a follower?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Are you generally on time for things or often late? How do you feel
about this?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Would you like to be famous? Why or why not? If yes, in what way?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
What would you like to be remembered for?
----------------------------------------------------------------------


SET 2:

What was your favorite pastime as a child? Did you prefer doing it alone or with someone else?

Who gave you your name and why? Did you have a nickname? How did you get it?

Describe your childhood bedroom. What was the view from your window?

Were you baptized, christened or blessed as an infant? If so, where and by whom?

When did you first go to church? What are your earliest memories of church?

Where did your father work and what did he do?

How did your mother spend her day? Did she have a job or do volunteer work outside the home?

Describe what the family living room looked like when you were a child.

What kind of prayer did you say before you went to sleep? Who taught you to pray?

Where was your childhood home located? Did you enjoy living there?

Describe your grandparents’ houses. Did you visit them often? Why or why not?

List one special memory about each of your brothers and sisters.

Recall for me some of the most important lessons you have learned in life.

Share a memory of your grandparents or an older person you loved.

Who was the first person to talk to you about God? What effect did this have on you?

How far did you have to travel to attend elementary, junior high and high school and how did you get there?

What scent or sound immediately takes you back to childhood? Describe the feeling it evokes.

What was your favorite meal as a child? What made it your favorite?

Did you have pets? Was there a favorite?

What chores did you have to do when you were growing up? Did you get an allowance?

Tell about your first job.

Share a story about a severe winter storm.

Share your favorite dessert recipe.

Did the pastor or missionaries visit your home? What impression did that have on you?

Did you ever feel that God had a special calling for your life?

Who was your favorite teacher? Why?

Describe one of your favorite dress-up outfits as a child. On what occasions would you wear it?

Did you ever have a special hide away for playhouse? What made it special?

What extracurricular activities were you involved in during high school? Why did you choose those?

What was the hardest thing you ever had to do?

What crazy fads to you remember in grade school?

When did you have your first date? Who was it with? What did you do?

What do you remember about your first kiss?

What did you do to celebrate birthdays when you were growing up?

Record here some gardening or decorating tips that you have found helpful.

What were some of the most memorable books you read as a child? What made them memorable?

What were your family finances like as a child? How did that effect you?

What mischief did you get into as a child?

A giant's passing

I'm on my way back to Arizona to attend the Memorial Service of my beloved uncle, Tom Pendley.

Many thanks to my cousin (Tom's daughter), Kathy Shaw, for sharing this obituary of her dad:

Arizona native, Thomas Tilman Pendley II, 87, of Phoenix died February 23, 2010.

Mr. Pendley was born February 22, 1923 in Clemenceau, (now Cottonwood), AZ to Frank and Jane Pendley. Tom grew up on the family homestead at Slide Rock, north of Sedona, where they raised apples, peaches, and pears which they sold at their roadside store. Tom attended grade school in Oak Creek Canyon, high school in Flagstaff, and university at ASU. He married Dorothy Diers in 1955 and returned to manage the family farm in Oak Creek from 1963 to 1985. Tom recognized the vulnerability of the orchard crops and added sweet corn to the produce raised at Slide Rock. He developed a loyal following of customers looking for that “picked this morning” freshness that had disappeared from the local markets. Tom’s passion for quality fruits and vegetables was the motivation for his collaborative effort in the foundation of the Coconino County Fair. He fought for the rights of the family farmer at a time when government and developers were exploiting nature’s wonders. Tom worked tirelessly to make the family farm a success and to preserve the natural beauty for generations to come. Through his efforts and those of Govenor Bruce Babbitt, Slide Rock became a State Park in 1985 and has since become one of the most popular State Parks in Arizona.

Tom and Dorothy enjoyed retirement by travelling to destinations in Alaska, Europe, and Mexico. Between trips he continued farming by raising tomatoes in his backyard garden; always with the emphasis on flavor over appearance. Tom brought the flavor of life to a family that will miss him dearly.

Tom was preceded in death by his parents, Frank L. and Jane H. Pendley, his brothers Don and Frank Pendley, sisters Jill Jonovich, Eva Young, Patricia Rueger, Marge Theriault and Joy Odell.

He leaves his wife, Dorothy of Phoenix, daughters Kathy Shaw (Ed) of Flagstaff and Karen Harkey (John) of Flagstaff, son Tom Pendley III (Kathy) of Phoenix, and three grandchildren Maya Shaw, Brooke Warren and Orion Pendley and sister Nina Lovett of Cottonwood,

A Memorial service will be held at Life in Christ Lutheran Church, Peoria, AZ, on Sunday February 28, at 3:00 p.m. (623) 773-1234.

In lieu of flowers, donations in his memory may be made to Friends of Slide Rock State Park, P.O. Box 3432, Flagstaff, AZ 86003.

Thanks to my older brother, Wayne, for sharing THIS LINK to Tom's Oral History with pictures of the apple ranch in Oak Creek that is now Slide Rock State Park.

The Amazing Journey of Gabe & Me

One of the interesting outcomes of having married a man 12 yrs older than myself is that along with my husband came four step kids, two of which were closer to me in age than my spouse. Larry's oldest son, Darrin, is now 44. He married at 39 to a dynamite lady named Kris who just happened to have an 18 yr old son. That son had a son shortly there after, the young man you see pictured here - Gabriel. This means that without ever having been a parent himself, Darrin went straight forward to the fun part, being a GRANDPA. Kris & Darrin get Gabe nearly every weekend and have many fun adventures with him.

Today I got to have an adventure of my own with Gabe, hiking up the creek, naming rocks, making bridges for squirrels, examining lichen and appreciating stink bugs. We had a blast. It seems odd at the ripe old age of 51 to be considered any one's great-grandmother. But that's what Gabe knows me as. Maybe it is stretching the point a bit since I'm merely the step-mother of his step-grandfather. Clearly, there are no blood ties between myself and this young man. But family ties have far more to do with choice and aknowledgement and commitment to one another than they do with who begat who.

The ties we build while having "a journey in the wilderness" (as Gabe called it) together in the woods count for so much more than genetics.

I had a great day today visiting with cousins and kin of all sorts ...some with bonds of blood, some united by marriage, some merely affiliated by choice. We looped around through all the incarnatons of "step", and "half", inlaw and outlaw...but all one amazing FAMILY.

This reunion reminded me very much of a different gathering from many years back...when I was a young mother with two little boys celebrating the 100th birthday of my own great grandmother. I described that in a story for Ensign magazine back in 1990 called The Tapestery Called Family.

We are primed by our families of origin to establish certain expectations about what it means to be a daughter, a sister, a mother, a wife, or any other relationship. Because of my own experiences with MY great grandmother my initial assumptions of that role is to think of someone who is old, frail, disengaged from life. But just as I have chosen to have a very different style of marriage and very different parenting style from those of my parents and grandparents, I will also begin brand new traditions in this role.

I look forward to exploring and expanding what it means to be a great grandma to Gabe and all the others who come after him when my own grandchildren start families of their own. Kaylie is now 14 with other siblings following, so in another 10 to 15 years I expect there may be several new faces in the mix. I'm up for it. I think I make an awesome great grandma.

How is this even possible?

There is an oft repeated story in my family which illustrates the ingenuity of my paternal grandfather. He had a 45 acre homestead in Oak Creek, Arizona which has since been sold and become Slide Rock State Park. It is a remarkable piece of property, a lot of which he devoted to apple orchards. but back in the day Frank Pendley had a problem with mountain lions getting into his pigs. He had a family of nine kids to support which was no easy task in those crop-dependant days before grocery stores were handy. So he tried all sorts of things to keep the cats from getting at his pigs. He strung pie plates and pieces of tin along the parameter of the enclosure. He stood guard at night. He tried various booby traps. None of them worked. Finally he put a little unweaned German Shepherd puppy that did not yet have its eyes open in with his sow right after she gave birth to a new litter. The newborn dog was just happy to have a warm spot and a meal. The pig seemed indifferent, and accepted the pup as one of her own. I've heard stories of how comical it looked to see that little puppy nursing between it's sibling pigs. But as the dog grew up (albeit with a bit of identity confusion) it would bark any time a cat got close which would warn my grandfather to come running with his shotgun to protect his animals.

Ok, so I am familiar with the idea of interspecies parenting.

But how the heck do you convince a tiger that baby pigs are not food???

Ties That Bind

A meme about families:


1. Who do you consider to be members of your “family”? What is your actual relationship to them?
FAMILY to me are those I am related to by marriage or blood AND maintain a relationship with.

By blood I have 4 siblings. I only have contact with 3 of them. The one that is lost to me I think of as a "relative", which is different in my mind that my "family".

My immediate family is my husband, kids, grandkids & sibs.

My extended family to me are my in-laws, aunts & uncles, cousins, etc. Those range somewhere between "Family" and "Relative" depending on the bond we do or don't have.

I have other people I am not related to by marriage or blood whose relationships I deeply treasure, but there is a distinct difference to me between those bonds of choice than the ones of kin. I know there are "fictive kin ties" where some people think of non-family AS IF they were family. I don't really do that so much.

2. Of these people, whom do you feel closest to? Whom to you feel most distant from?
My sibs I am closest with pretty much in birth order, with the exception of the brother that is lost to me.

I have one cousin in Renton who is almost like a sib to me and other cousins I don't know at all.

3. What are some expectations you have of your family? What do they expect from you?

These seem to be shifting, evolving, changing... and each relationship is different.

4. How has ethnicity influenced your family?
This has not been a big deal for me. One uncle and two brothers have married Hispanic women. My oldest son married a woman of mixed race. Growing up white in America in the 60's and 70's in a mostly white town I never gave it a lot of thought.

5. What experiences did you have related to your family’s socio-economic status? Were there groups you were a part of or groups you were left out from as a result?

I grew up really poor and felt the sting of exclusion and / or judgment from others as a result of that. I can recall feeling unwelcome with the popular girls with the nice clothes at my school. I can also remember feeling like a "poor relation" sometimes when my family went to visit aunts and uncles whose circumstances were considerably better off than our own. I think I internalized a lot of the shame about our family life from the feelings conveyed about it by my mom. I've let go of most of that, but back in my early years it was like a weight I carried with me where ever I went. I've talked about this not that long ago with one of my cousins I used to be so intimidated by. He was baffled that I had ever felt less valued in the family because we were poor and insists they never looked down on us for our meager means. I'm not so sure... It's hard to separate out all the different layers of things that were going on at the time.

As an adult I'm somewhere in the middle of the abundance scale in my family. Some have way WAY more than my man and I do, some have considerably less. I no longer use amount of money or shiny things as the measure stick for how well someone is doing. My values about material "success" have shifted a lot. But as a kid, it was pretty grim.

6. What trait do you admire most in yourself that was a product of your family life?
Love of learning and commitment to education. Even though we were dirt poor we always had good books in our house. One of my most vivid memories of the house I grew up in is the bookcase full of encyclopedias and a big fat dictionary that were all used constantly.

7.What is the extent of your knowledge regarding the history of your family?
I know bits and pieces, but there are plenty of gaps. In my 20's and 30's I was pretty interested in genealogy and did a fair amount of family history research. So I've got lists and charts and a smattering of pictures. There are some stories that have been passed down. But once we get past my great grand parents there is little info available.

8. What is your favorite childhood memory about your family?
All of us out someplace together on a wood cutting venture. I was pretty little. It was one of our happier times.

Happy Birthday Winston!

Today my baby boy turns 32 years old. How is that possible? It really doesn't seem that long ago that we were all calling him "Winston" because as a baby he reminded us all so much of Winston Churchill. Here's the evidence - you be the judge. Perhaps the resemblance wasn't as striking as we all thought at the time. Maybe it had more to do with disposition? I dunno.



Through the years we had our ups and downs, my boy and me. Suffice it to say he was not an easy child to raise. We had our moments of drama and tears. He totalled my car one night when he was just 15 and didn't even have a license yet. When people asked if he had been hurt in the accident my standard response was "not yet, but we're still considering it."

But from the days of early childhood


up through his High School years


my youngest son and I have had a powerfully close bond. We are very much alike, which is probably why we had so many sparks fly at times.

Oh the stories I could tell...from the infamous family fishing story (They wiggle!) to his jock years when I spent SOOO many days at little league fields, soccer fields, football fields, wrestling matches, etc...

Or what I thought when he went off to serve his country in the Marine Corp...


We saw him through a too-early marriage against all our council and did the best we could to help him pick up the pieces when it fell apart. We banded together again during the years he was a single parent raising his three gorgeous kids all on his own.



Lots of water under the bridge since those days. He's moved from North Carolina to Oregon to Texas to Michigan. He now has a new love in his life - one that came as a package deal with FOUR MORE KIDS! So their tribe of 9 does the best they can to navigate the sometimes complicated waters of a blended family.


Though we live many miles apart these days, my son and I talk on the phone at least once a week - sometimes for hours at a time. We can talk music, politics, weather, kids, food, family, past events, future goals. It is a rich, respectful, honest relationship between my son and me. We don't always agree with each other, but we always, ALWAYS trust, love and support one another in powerfully meaningful ways.

We've built many special times together - from our road trip to Nashville, TN when he was fifteen to our later adventure to the Oregon Coast - camping by Hood River, flying kites on the beach...or pumpkin gathering with the kids out at the farm where I now live during the time he lived in Bend...these are all memories I treasure

So happy birthday my boy. Make it a good one!

On this very same day I also send birthday wishes to my sister-in-law Toni in Idaho and to my dear friend Patricia in Africa serving in the Peace Corp. Yep, Sep 25 is a pretty special day.

Empty Nesters FHE

One of the teachings of the LDS church is to encourage families to hold "Family Home Evening" - one night a week dedicated to spending time together, teaching gospel principles, enjoying wholesome recreation, and generally strengthening family bonds. I am absolutely convinced this is an inspired program and that this practice brings many blessing no matter what faith a person is.

In fact, I believe in it so much it is one of the options for the student projects I offer in the Sociology of the Family course I teach onlilne. Of course I don't CALL it FHE for the class, and I leave out all the religious elements. But one of the six choices students have to pick from for their term project is to hold family meetings for 5 consecutive weeks with emphasis on building positive rapport among family members...so it IS essentially FHE. Most the students who do that one love it.

We were sort of hit and miss about doing FHE with our own kids while they were growing up. We had some great ones we all still remember and some that pretty much fell flat. But we tried to keep it as much of a steady tradition for our family as we could muster, despite our busy lives.

In the ward where we live now they have something called "Empty Nester's Family Home Evening." Twice a month the older members past raising kids (whether married, single, widowed or divorced) all meet together for a pot-luck supper, an evening of visiting and a short uplifting message. Even though we are past our days of actively raising a family, we still benefit from the blessings of Family Home Evening, and it's a great way to build ties with other ward members. Everyone in the group takes turns meeting at each others' homes. We've been attending these ever since we moved and have very much enjoy gathering with this group.

Tonight it was our turn to host FHE. There were 19 people in attendance (counting us) - some who come every time and some who had not been before. My beloved grilled hamburgers and brats and everyone who came brought something yummy to contribute - (let me tell you, the ladies in this group can COOK! It's always fun to see what each person will bring.) The food was delicious, the company gracious, the weather was perfect and it seemed like everyone had a pretty good time.

For the message/activity portion of the evening I talked about writing personal histories using the Question method...I have a set of question that deal with all sorts of things - everything from "tell about a significant event involving weather" to "tell about the yard at the house where you grew up" to "tell about the circumstances of how you learned to drive". The idea is that rather than trying to write your whole life story, you focus on ONE question at a time. But by the time you answer all the questions, you end up with a pretty good collection of life stories. I had my father-in-law answer these (see Remembering Fred) and the end result is an absolute treasure. He just wrote out the answers by hand in an old note book, usually doing one or two each week on Sunday afternoons. He never spent a lot of time on it at any one setting. But as he got them done he would send them to me and I would transcribe them. I now have 32 typed pages of priceless stories of his life.

Well, anyway, I passed out the questions and had everyone pick one and tell that particular story to the group. It was a fun way to learn more about everyone. I then made copies of all the questions to give to everyone and encouraged them to write stories for their own families. There was a lot of laughter as we went around the group allowing everyone to tell their story. Everyone seemed to have a pretty good time.

This also reminded me that it's time for me to get cracking on answering these silly things for myself. So I think I'll start doing them over on Apprentice Human. That's as good a place as any to put them. I will do it sort of like when I did the Alphabet Soup - Count Your Blessings Exercise where I wrote something about what I was grateful for that matched each letter of the alphabet over on Life by Design.

This time around I won't have any particular schedule or do them in any set order. I'll just start writing answers to these questions as I find time - probably mostly on Sunday afternoons. I suspect most of it will be fairly inoccuous. Still, it will be interesting to see what comes out of it. And who knows? Maybe my grand kids will get a kick out of reading about some of the adventures their old grammy had growing up in this crazy old world.

Badger Holes & Mortality

My beloved injured his ankle the other day stepping in a badger hole. His work involves agricultural field research for OSU. He was out working in one of their experiment plots preparing the ground to plant mustard seed. He had noticed some badger holes so he got a shovel and proceeded to fill them in. As he went to tamp down the loose dirt over one of the holes the ground gave way to the cavity below, causing my man's ankle to twist at a nasty angle. It's not broken, but it is severely sprained. Doctor says for him to stay off of it, keep putting ice on and to not plan on any sustained walking for at least three weeks.

We had big plans for hiking the hills around Wenatchee this weekend. We were also going to go out in search of some new geocache. There were all sorts of things we intended to do since I've got the day off Friday and could make a long weekend of it. Now he won't be able to do any of those things.

We are both disappointed. Beyond that, it has made me think a bit more about our mortality and the impact the 12 year age difference between us is likely to have on us over the course of the next decade.

Up until now it has been no big deal that he was further down the road of life's season's than I. But at age 62 already I have noticed he is beginning to slow down a bit and relish his "old man's naps" whenever he can. Watching him hobble around the house with a cane as a result of this injury served as a reminder that it may not be too many more years before health issues or limited mobility could become routine challenges. How I choose to respond if/when that happens remains to be seen.

As we've talked about what we would do this weekend it became clear I really only have three options:

1) don't do the things we had planned at all since he can't do them with me.
2) do those things by myself.
3) do them with someone else.

I'm not thrilled by any of those options. This man I am married to is my best pal, my hero, my cherished companion. Even the most mundane of activities is all the more fun when he's along for the ride. But the fact remains that he CAN'T go out hiking on this trip and won't be for some time. So I'm not entirely sure what I'll do. I'll take it as it comes and make the most of it however it plays out.

The main reason for the trip is to visit our dear friends, Chuck & Pat, who we have not seen in a couple years. They had been serving a mission in the Atalanta, GA temple and then after returning from that spent this past winter in Arizona. Finally they are home so we are very anxious to go spend some time catching up with them. I'm really looking forward to just sitting and visiting. Also there are several other friends we want to go by to see. As long as Larry is careful getting in and out of the car he certainly can still enjoy visiting.

Still, watching him hobble around with his poor gimp foot has made me pause and wonder--how will I handle it if somewhere down the road he becomes ill or infirm, dealing with pain, possible incontinence or loss of cognitive ability?

When I said "in sickness or in health" I very much meant it. I am committed to this marriage for the long haul no matter what challenges may confront us. But making those promises in my 20's when we both felt young and invincible just didn't bear the weight that facing up to them at 50 and 62 does.

Husbands of two of my long time friends have had strokes in the last year. Others I know are dealing with severe diabetes, heart failure, emphysema. As I get older more and more of my contemporaries are showing me the range of what it is like to lose hold of youth. This growing old stuff isn't for sissies.

Whether it is me or him who may face significant health challenges, chances are one or the other of us will. I hope with all my heart that I'll be able to face whatever challenges that come up for us with grace, compassion and humor.

For now I'll just bring him more ice, re-wrap his ace bandage and be grateful this particular injury was not too serious. But it has served as a bit of a wake up call for rapids down river yet to come. I hope I'm up for them.

Honoring Fred

I've spent the last several hours working on one of my other blogs - the one I put together to honor / remember my father-in-law. He was a remarkable man who I loved and respected a great deal. I decided a blog would be a good way to be sure that family records would be preserved and made available to any of our clan that wants to share them. So I've been scanning documents and pictures, transcribing journals, and reviewing stories that had been recorded over the years. I still have quite a bit to add, but I think it is beginning to take shape nicely. It has been several years since his passing, but the love he had for his family still burns bright. May his memory be eternal.

Theory and Practice

I am in Mesa, AZ right now to attend my step-son's wedding which will occur tomorrow. I've been up late to grade papers for the two online classes I teach - Principles of Sociology and Sociology of the Family. This week in the Family class we are talking about concepts like Role Strain, Role Conflict, Work Overload and the consequences to families when work and personal relationships collide. Um. Yeah. GOT IT. All day I've been more or less torn between wanting to spend time with the boys (grown men, but still my boys) and the weight of knowing I had work needing to be done.

Then, over in my Principles class we are talking about the family as a social institution, how it operates, how it breaks down, etc. As I sat in the banquet room of a local restaurant this evening with various members of our family - in laws, outlaws, and some I had not seen in many years --it occurred to me that no matter how much I may be able to quote out family dynamics theories with my eyes closed and one hand tied behind my back, LIVING it is still a challenge.

We have a mostly good group, our clan. I have been richly blessed by this brood I married into. Still, there are the moments of strain, potential conflict, and occasional discomfort that are more or less inevitable when you get this many different personalities together.

I'll be here through Monday and then travel home back to work...to the new job I've recently taken on. LOTS of stuff going on there... I've made the deliberate choice that I will not be blogging about my professional life. But suffice it to say that I'm dancing as fast as I can to wade through the challenges of my learning curve and feeling a bit intimidated about having some very big shoes to fill in the position I've recently stepped into. I've gone from being very much behind the scenes to wearing the hat of Grand Poobah of a complex department with 65 people who answer to me. GULP.

Life is busy. I long for simple days.

But for now I will keep putting one foot in front of the other - balancing my full time job, my teaching, my personal life, my church life, my family relationships and all the rest with as much sanity as I can muster.

It's never so simple or clear as the the theories seem to depict.

How Much is Enough??

I have a phone interview set for Friday morning at 8:30 AM for a job in Kalamazoo, Michigan that I really, REALLY want to get. I had applied for four different positions, and this one would be my first pick of the four. I have now made the first cut into the pool to be phone interviewed. Time will tell if I'm the right fit for what they want and if they can offer what I need to justify a cross country move.

One of my concerns is that because the job would be working for a non-profit agency, the likelihood of it paying what I make now is extremely low. So I have to make up my mind, how much would I really need to accept a position there if I felt right about all the other factors?

I recently taught a workshop on Career Development here at the college where I currently work full time. One of the topics I covered was compensation packages and how a person determines what they really need or expect in a given job. One of the statements I made in that workshop was: "If it was only about the money we would all deal drugs." There are many ways we are rewarded by our work that have nothing to do with money. I understand that. Still - is it realistic to take a job that would pay $10K less? Particularly in light of the fact that moving would most likely be the trigger for my beloved's retirement, putting me in the hot seat of being primary wage earner for our family, I do need to pay careful attention to that.

So today my heart is dancing between hope and fear.

One of my fears is that I will not get the job. But I may be even more afraid that they WILL offer me the job, but make a salary offer so low that it is not feasible. Or even worse, they could offer an amount that I would be willing to accept but my husband would not be willing to sacrifice his job for. It seems we have different levels of what we think we need to be ok. So who decides what we ultimately do? What does that mean for the one who may not agree? YIKES. That's a kettle of fish I'm not eager to open up.

I'm trying to have faith that it will work out however it is meant to. But I'm not sure I even know what that means. I'm not sure there IS a "meant to happen" scenario here. I can continue to grow and learn and develop as a person no matter where I live. I can make contributions to people around me no matter what sort of work I do. Clearly, I have my preferences. But it will happen however it plays out. I can influence the circumstances, but not control them. Really swallowing that certainty down solid is both liberating and makes me a little queasy.

But this morning I got a phone call from my son who lives near Grand Rapids. Seems my 13 yr old grand daughter just won the spelling championship for her whole school. Next she goes on to regionals. Last year she took second in State spelling bee. This may be her year to win the prize. It would mean the world if I could be in the audience cheering her on. I have lots of reasons for wanting very much to relocate back to Michigan. I'll curse the humidity and hate the mosquitoes. I'll miss mountains and at times long for dear friends left behind. But their are eight precious grand kids growing up there without me. I'm tired of being the lady who sends cool care packages and comes to visit one week each year. I want to be allowed to fully participate in their lives. How can you put a price tag on that?

So cross your fingers and say a prayer for me on Friday morning.

It just may be time for Belladonna Piranha to reinvent herself all over again.

Searching for Perspective

We had people over for dinner last night for a lovely Christmas Eve feast which was fun. Great meal, lots of good visiting and my beloved got out his guitar to play for us to sing a few Christmas carols. It was nice. Today we are planning on just hanging out and enjoying a mellow day. We'll play scrabble and watch movies and nibble on goodies. Right now my man is enjoying sleeping in with no little kids to get us up at Oh-dark-thirty to open presents. Of course I woke up around 5AM and couldn't get back to sleep...so here I sit.

I got my no thank you letter in the mail yesterday from Grand Rapids Community College. So we will NOT be moving to Michigan.

My emotions have been bouncing some in response to that...

there is disappointment, relief, sadness, anxiety, confusion

Part of me is actually quite glad I don't have to give up my home here and all that is familiar.

Part of me was really counting on this move and feels terrible about the loss.

Part of me is nervous and scared about finding ANY kind of decent job and worried about being at loose ends when my current position ends.

So my feelings have been doing lots of flip flops.

I KNEW it was a long shot when I applied for this position, but the job just seemed so perfect for me. Beyond that, I honestly felt like this was God's way of getting me back close to my family. I have two sons and eight grandkids living in Michigan. I miss them something awful. I was so longing to be able to be there to participate in their lives in a more direct way rather than being the grandma who visits once a year and sends cool care packages.

I try to tell myself that things are unfolding as they are meant to, that there is some other purpose for my staying here.

But then I just get jaded and cynical and believe life is all random and nothing matters anyway.

I have no plan B at this point. Sometime in the next 6 months I need to find a job. Maybe it will be here. Maybe it will be someplace else. I want to trust that something will appear on the horizon when it needs to. But trust is in short supply just now.

So it goes...

Christmas Meme / Christmas Funk

This will NOT be the meme I had intended.

My blogger pal Jaquandor is always good for a meme. He put up a fun Christmas meme on his blog and I thought I'd post my own version here. After all, he says he tags EVERYBODY and that includes me, right?

I made several attempts at putting in my answers. However, each time I tried, it would just complicate my already swirling funk.

First question: Favorite traditional Christmas song:Sure, I could just name off a few songs. I DO like some of 'em. "Do You See What I See" comes to mind. But the very thought of Christmas music also brings me precariously close to the mental / emotional turmoil I've been avoiding.

Dec 16 was the anniversary of my father's death. In a few days (Dec 21) will be the anniversary of my mother's. They both died suddenly and unexpectedly (him of heart failure while asleep in bed, her during a heart bypass surgery that was supposed to be serious but routine) in 1983. Granted, that was a long time ago. But as anyone who has lost people close to them knows, the years can telescope on you in a heartbeat, bringing distant losses rushing back to feel like present wounds.

My parents had divorced when I was about 13, lived in different towns, both had remarried and hadn't spoken to each other for several years. But they dropped dead with no warning in the very same week when I was just 26. Their deaths collided with the Christmas season, wrapping all the emotions of grief and loss around every tinsel, every cookie, every tune.

Mostly I've dealt with the bereavement as much as can be expected. Face it, true grief is not like a cold that you can get over. It's more like an amputation - something that changes you forever. You accommodate it and learn to move forward in the new reality, but it never goes back to how it used to be. So, in that sense, I have come to terms with it. But every Christmas season there are so many reminders of the wound...the sights, the sounds, the smells all haunt me. Every fa la la la la brings up images of my mother's dead face in her casket. Every freaking time I hear a Salvation Army bell ringer I get mini-flashes of my father - pictures in my brain I DO NOT WANT.

This is all the more crazy making because I did NOT have good relations with my parents. So much anger and guilt, hurt feelings and trapped love were tangled up with shame and longing in those relationships. Somehow I used to believe that EVENTUALLY we'd resolve some of the ugliness and learn to be more honest and supportive of one another, the way I believed families were SUPPOSED to be. Truth is, had they lived to be the age of Methuselah I doubt we ever could have repaired the breach. Our family was so fractured by so many things...all the kings horses and all the kings men could never have put those relationships together again. But as long as they were alive I still had the hope that someday MAYBE it could be made right. Now it never can.

So all I am left with is something like the smell of a campfire that has been doused with water...burned out, muddy mess...cold, offering no solace.

Christmas can be a tough time for me. I have my good days where I get pretty close to being able to feel the joy of the season. And I have my bad days where it is all one excruciating nightmare. Paying focused attention to the specific triggers of Christmas just doesn't seem in my best interest right now. So I think I'll pass.

Over on Waters of Mormon, one of the other blogs I contribute to, Starfoxy came up with this to say about the Christmas season:

"In the past I've taken cues from my parents and bemoaned the commercialization of Christmas. I've lamented how quickly the birth of Christ is forgotten among the gifts and festivities.

These days, however, I'm seriously considering cutting my losses and completely separating my recognition of Christ's birth from the midwinter celebrations.

December is an intense month. There are various holidays, traditions, and parties to attend to. For the students there are midterms, or final exams. For the employed there are year end reports, filings, and meetings. There are preparations for next year to take into account. The weather frequently turns difficult. Most people travel to spend time with family. At the end of the month many find themselves physically and emotionally exhausted. And amongst all of that we're supposed to find time for meaningful reflection on Christ's birth, life and resurrection. I can't muster up and surprise that it all too frequently just doesn't happen.

So why not just buckle down and make it happen? Why not make time for that meaningful reflection. Why can't I ditch the parties? Why shouldn't I spend hours training my kids to understand that Santa and rudolf weren't at the stable? Why can't I just push, shove, pull, wrangle, wrestle and cajole my family into feeling the peace, joy and comfort of contemplating the Condescension of God?

Here's my reasoning- Santa, Rudolf, Christmas Trees, gifts, and parties are going hold my kid's attention no matter what I do. They're going to hear it at school, from their friends, in the stores, and on TV. People will demand my attention work and service whether they should or not. I will feel stress, and fatigue. My children will probably be like me- itching to open presents so bad that they can barely sit still long enough to listen to the first half of Luke 2. Why even try to pair the love of Christ with the clamor of modern day Christmases and hope that I can shout louder than everyone else?

Instead I plan for Christmas becomes a time for parties, togetherness, gifts, service, and sharing. And then on the 12th day of Christmas, January 6th, or the day of Epiphany I will, quietly, peacefully and deliberately celebrate the birth and childhood of Christ. After the decorations are put away, the presents have lost some of their sparkle, and just before things get back to normal I will put aside time to teach my children about the miracle of Christ's birth."

As I responded to her there, I have misgivings about capitulating to the mayhem.
The only thing that I can hang on to that is GOOD about Christmas is my focus on the Savior. That part still sustains me. It's all the rest of it that I want to hide my head in the sand and run away from.