Preparing for Lent

Next month will begin the season of Lent for my Orthodox friends. This will be the fourth Lent that I have observed in my own modified way.

I am not Orthodox. My faith does not recognize Lent in any formal fashion. Still, I have found that each year as I spend that sacred 40 days in increased prayer and pondering, fasting, and personal discipline my spiritual walk is enriched and my life is blessed.

My faith does not have liturgy and is very minimal in ritual. We do not repeat prescribed prayers. In most cases, I am grateful for the freedom of the "from the heart" conversation sort of prayers I have with God. Still, I find there is comfort in reflecting on the words of some of the set prayers that my Orthodox brothers and sisters wrap their souls around.

For example, the Prayer of Saint Ephraim... One translation of it is:

O Lord and master of my life!
Do not give me the spirit of discouragement and slothfulness,
of ambition and vain talk!
Instead, give me the spirit of prudence and humility,
of patience and charity.
Yes, my king and Lord, let me look at my own sins
and refrain from judging others:
For you are bless'd unto ages of ages, amen.

I can be blessed by soaking in those words.

I will not observe the feasts and fasts in the same way as my Orthodox pals. But my hope is that I WILL be able to use this upcoming 40 days for some focused, dedicated reflection of spirit so that I might come out closer to God when we get to holy Pascha, when I can truly celebrate with them in calling out Christ is Risen!

I have a deep and peaceful testimony of the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I believe to the core of my being that the story of the First Vision is TRUE, not just some made up tale. I believe in a God with a very real physical presence, a God I can hug. I believe in Jesus Christ as a separate being, also physical - united with the Father in sacred purpose but a distinct separate individual member of the Godhead. I believe in the Holy Ghost as a distinct personage without a corporeal body.

Because of what I believe - denying the Nicene Creed of trinity - most other churches judge me to not be Christian. So be it. I know what I know.

But I also know that somehow my association with friends of OTHER faiths has helped me better understand and more strongly believe in my own.

So I am preparing for Lent...hoping to approach in with as much sincere humility, repentance and faith as this weak sinner girl can.

I will hold strong to prayer. I will fast in my own way. I will study. I will reach for ways to overcome the "natural man" passions and be renewed. I will try with all my might to lay aside my prideful nature of wanting to control my own fate and practice spiritual surrender.

Lent, for me, is a very private thing between me and my God. Sometimes I wish I had others I could turn to for sharing the insights, the struggles, the epiphanies that come along the way. I don't have the support system of a congregation sharing a similar journey. I can't truly share with my Orthodox role models, because for them it is a very different sort of experience than what I embark on. So I go my own way as best as I can and try to make meaning of it according to the belief system that I have embraced.

Perhaps that solitude of journey is why I have always related so much to St. Mary of Egypt...who spent all those years alone in the desert. I prepare to cross over into my own desert to confront my passions, to submit my soul. I know from past years there will be times of tremendous heartache and times of mind bending joy as I glimpse even a fraction of the Love the Savior has for me.

My greatest challenge is reconciling my sense of unworthiness with the knowledge that God is real and does know me, and loves me still.

There is so very much I do not understand. Each year as my walk through Lent comes I find that more to be true. Still, each year that comes, I learn that striving to open up my spirit to the questions blesses me, even when the answers do not readily come. So I prepare to begin again...

Pascha Cookies

I recently added some new cookie cutters to my collection. I got a pig, a llama, a hand with a heart in it, and a Russian Orthodox cross. With Pascha coming up, I thought I'd make a batch of cookies to drop off for the celebration feast my friends will be having. However, as I look at this lovely little tool I got to wondering. Why do most other Christians focus so much upon the cross as a Holy symbol of faith?

My own faith does not use crosses of any kind. They do not appear on our churches, our books, our artwork, and typically are not worn as jewelry. To us, crosses are a symbol of Christ's death and we prefer to focus on the fact that He lives.

Christ's sacrifice on Calvary was critical. But it was what He did at Gethsemane that means ever so much more.

I've sometimes wondered if He had been born and died at a different time and place would Christ's death cause any instrument to be viewed as holy? If he had been shot by a firing squad would there be golden guns atop churches or if by gas chamber would there be little icons of that on chains about people's necks? I don't say this to be blasphemous or disrespectful to what others hold to be Holy. I sincerely wonder. Why is it the cross that so many Christians focus on? Thousands of people died by crucifixion. Jesus Christ did not. YES, he suffered tremendous anguish hanging on that tree for all of us. But He was not murdered. He gave up the ghost willingly. To me, the cross was an implement of torture, but it was no more holy than the post he was tied to earlier when he was beaten and scourged with a whip.

I will continue to be as respectful as possible of the things others hold to be sacred - whether it be crosses or icons or some other thing.

However, the thing that matters most to me is not the manner in which Christ died...what captures my heart and soul is that he CHOSE to endure the humiliation and agony of all he went through even though He KNEW how many of us would ignore His teachings. Despite the fact He KNEW how many of us would live self indulgent lives completely disregarding His atonement and love, Christ still cared enough to suffer beyond comprehension to break the bands of death. That is so incomprehensible to me.

Throughout this long Lenten season I've been giving thought to issues of repentance and religiosity and trying to make sense of where it fits in my own heart. Some say if you accept Christ as your personal savior that's all one needs to do. Others invoke long lists of do this and don't do that commandments which must be obeyed to the letter in order to live in the presence of God. I fall somewhere in the middle. I believe there is NOTHING I can do to "earn" my way into Heaven. I am not capable of it, no matter how "righteous" I might discipline my life to be. Still, I hold firm to the scripture that says: "if ye love me, keep my commandments." I DO think that once I have accepted the deity of Christ I am bound to do my very best to follow His example, the whole while acknowledging my state as a sinner who is lost without His grace.

The thing that I keep coming back to is that we are weak, imperfect and prone to passions BY DESIGN. Our susceptibility to temptation is no mistake. It is the nature of our creation. Had God wanted to create beings made of different character, I believe He well could have. Yet He did not. He deliberately created us as we are. Soft. Vulnerable. Subject to all manner of mayhem. I often wonder about that.

God is the ruler of the universe, the elements, and of every single thing in the material world. There's just one thing that He does not control: our will. He gave us that as a precious gift to do with as we choose. We can turn our hearts to Christ or our back to Him. That is up to us. He will invite. But He will NEVER coerce us to do His bidding. We each choose every minute of every day whether we will listen to the sweet whisperings of the Holy Spirit or the clamour of the material world. We choose.

Yet I'm coming to realize more and more that it is NOT in church services that I predominately make this decision. It is in how I treat my next door neighbor or my obnoxious relative or the homeless person on the street. Those are the moments when I really choose. I rely on the sacred sacrament to serve as a symbol of my renewed covenants with my creator. But it is between times that I show whether I really meant it or not when I said "Amen" at then end of the prayers blessing the bread and water that symbolize His body and blood.

As we approach Easter Sunday / Pascha I am trying with all my might to make sense of where I am personally in my own understanding of the nature of God and my relationship to Him. I am trying to quiet the clamour and din of the large and spacious building of the world that attempts to seduce us all with physical pleasure, worldly esteem, and "success" in the eyes of men. I am trying to go quiet inside to remember who I am as a child of God and to make sense of whatever plan it is He has for me. I am trying to learn to recognize more consistently the promptings of the Holy Spirit and be able to separate those feelings out from my own desires.

I may not have any crosses in my house other than the one in my cookie cutter jar. But I still know that the events that happened all those years ago on a cross at Calvary were real and that the importance carries on to this day.

It's been a long lent. I hunger for the rejoicing of "Christ is Risen." Yet I don't want to rush it either. These last few days...I still have things to learn and to experience.

I'll think of that as I bake and decorate the cookies. I'll think of that as I kneel in prayer. I'll think of that as I re-listen to conference talks over the Internet (LOVED the parable of the pickle!) I'll think of that as I have choices to make in how I treat my neighbor (and my neighbor's barky dog) and my relatives, family and friends.

There is so much about this journey to salvation that I do not understand. My whole heart resonates with the scripture that says:

"Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend. " (Mosiah 4:9)

Yeah, that pretty much sums it up for me.

LENT

*Note - I've made a couple corrections since this was originally posted.

Over on the website for St. Silouan Orthodox Church there is a powerful piece of writing by Fr. Seraphim Bell.

I am not Orthodox. (I'm active LDS.)However, I have come to develop deep respect for the Orthodox people that I know and have grown spiritually in my own tradition by the discussions I have had with them regarding their faith.

Lent is a very big deal to the Orthodox.

Nothing is eaten from Monday morning until Wednesday evening. Then, throughout the entire forty day period the fast includes avoiding meat, meat products, fish, dairy products, and all sexual relations. Of course, in practice some are more dilligent in observing the fast than others, and there are exceptions made for children, nursing mothers or those with special health considerations. But more important that the "don'ts" of the fast are the sacred sacraments they will participate in - some daily - to give them spiritual strength to do the inner work of self examination and repentance that are such an integral part of the fast.

What impressed me the most about what Fr. Seraphim wrote was his emphasis on PREPARING for the fast that was coming up. He councils his congregation to look ahead to what is coming and make plans for how they can arrange their schedules as well as prepare their hearts to make this lent season more meaningful. I can learn from that.

What do I do on a personal level to fully prepare for taking the sacrament or attending conference? As I am going through my own Christian walk, what steps am I willing to take to prepare for the celebration of Easter as a holy commemoration of the atonement and resurrection rather than a day for chocolate bunnies and eggs?

I will not observe the same dos or the don'ts of Orthodox Lent. But I have made a personal commitment to focus some specific spiritual study and to tackle some areas of my own behavior & attitudes that need to change if I am going to fully walk my talk in trying to live a Christ like life.

Last year I attended Pascha services with my Orthodox friends and went to Bright Monday picnic. Both were very special. I also went to the service commemorating the life of St. Mary of Egypt, the first saint that I ever took any particular interest in and whose story taught me a great deal about repentance and forgiveness. I don't expect I'll be doing those same things this year. However, I will be thinking a lot about the meaning of my faith and what role it has in my life.

I know that there are some Orthodox people (Fr. Seraphim included) who would say that I am not Christian at all because I do not believe in a Trinity and I do not accept the Nicene Creed. Regardless of their opinion of my belief or practices, I believe that being a Christian is about making a personal commitment to accept the teachings of Jesus Christ as true principles and then to diligently do all I can to pattern my life in accordance with those teachings. I believe is is about accepting the Atonement as a sacred miracle that makes it possible for me to become dead to the "natural man" and to be renewed as a child of God.

When I hear the Orthodox choirs sing the line about "trampling out death by death..." or "Kyrie Eleison" in THOSE moments I feel a complete accord with them.

So even though my doctrinal beliefs are quite different from those taught in Orthodoxy, I am ever so grateful for all they have taught me and I look forward to this season of the Sacred fast of Lent as yet another chance to draw closer to the God that created me, to ponder and learn through promptings of the Holy Spirit, and to examine my life in a deeper, more signficant fashion that I ordinarily do day to day.

My prayers will go out in behalf of my Orthodox friends, and my desire will be that each one of us in our own way will know with more surety that we are beloved sons and daughters of God.