How Much is Enough?

Once again I am waiting on pins and needles to see if I get picked for a job I have applied for. My interview went very well and I've heard back from three of my references that they have been called, so I know I am in the "finalist" stage, but the deal is not set yet.

I REALLY want this job for a number of reason. I think it would be a good match for my current skill sets, but would also give me room to grow both personally and professionally. Also, while my current position has been great on a lot of levels, the grant funding is ticking away with a definite end point. I am like yogurt with an expiration date. That job will definitely evaporate in the spring. So sometime between now and then it is critical that I find a new position.

The last time I was unemployed I had my husband's salary and benefits to fall back on. Now that he is retired, that is no longer the case. So the fact that I've got a firm lead sooner rather than later is a very good thing.

There's just one bit of a wrinkle in the soup. The job I'm up for is only funded for 20 hrs per week. That means I will take a BIG hit financially to jump ship at this point. It does have full benefits, a true rarity for a part time job. Also it IS very much a professional leadership position with a high level of responsibility. It's simply part of a contract with a skinny budget, so a half time director is all they can afford.

I do not know yet how much the salary will be, but I suspect it may be less than half of what I am currently earning. Add that to the fact that my present position pays substantially less than the last two jobs I had prior to this and clearly it translates to me moving in the wrong direction in terms of income. But I know I am not alone in that. Welcome to the Great Recession where pay cuts and underemployment are rampant all across the land.

Still, other than the money, in ever other respect this job sounds like something I could really sink my teeth into. It is for a non-profit that has an excellent reputation. They've recently won a national awards for flexibility in the workplace. People I've talked to about the place say it is a phenomenal outfit to work for. I had previously met the exec director who I would report to and I believe he would be a great boss. Most of all, this feels like a job where I could make a positive difference, and that is something that really matters to me.

So I've been giving a lot of thought to what my line in the sand is in terms of dollars. How much do I have to earn in order to take this job IF it is offered?

We live in a country that assigns merit and worth to people based on titles and dollars and how many shiny things we own. I am quite capable of seeing the silliness in that sort of thinking. I absolutely recognize that there are far more important quality of life aspects to a job than how big the paycheck is or whether I get a nice office. Still, I do have certain household expenses which must be covered. It really wouldn't matter how much I liked my job if I had to worry all the time about not being able to pay my bills. So, I'm going over the family budget and trying to determine, at what point do the scales tip between taking a job I think I could love which pays poorly vs. keeping a better paying job that I know is time limited while I look for something else?

As I look at the job market in town for what other sorts of things I might be able to pursue if I let this one pass by me, I'm being careful not to let myself get all tangled up in the bird-in-the-hand vs. bird-in-the-bush delusions. (Since right now I'm comparing the bird NOT in my hand to a bush I've yet to identify, it's even more complicated.) I'm not the least bit afraid of working hard. I just want to work in a place that has a culture of professionalism where people have integrity and treat each other like grown ups. Is that so much to ask?

It will be interesting to see how this whole job thing plays out... hopefully I will hear relatively soon. This limbo land of not knowing is wearing kinda thin.

Life can turn on a dime...

Earlier today I found out that I did NOT get the job I had been expecting in Alaska.
Oddly enough, despite how much I had been looking forward to heading north to Moose Land, I have felt a complete calm and peace about this.

I posted the news on my Facebook page earlier. As a result, I have had several people writing me messages giving me condolences for having missed out on the job I was so sure I had.

But you know, I just don't feel badly about it. YES, I wanted to move to Alaska and am a little baffled because the President of the college essentially had told me I had it. But apparently she got trumped by the corporate CEO. For whatever reason, things have shifted.

But here is the interesting part. The same day I found out I did not get the job, I also got a call from my son in Michigan telling me my 13 yr old grandson was needing emergency surgery on his heart. (He has had heart problems for some time so it is not totally unexpected, however complications arose just in the last week requiring the doctors to act FAST.) He came through the surgery just fine and by all accounts he will be ok. Still, I'm feeling a STRONG prompting that we need to be more available to our family.

Then tonight I opened up my scriptures at random as I often do. The first passage I turned to in the Doctrine and Covenants was this:

"And now, verily I say unto you, that it is not expedient that you should go until your children are provided for, and sent up kindly unto the bishop of Zion. And after a few years, if thou desirest of me, thou mayest go up also unto the goodly land, to possess thine inheritance." (D & C 99:6-7)

Uh, yeah. It seems really, REALLY clear to me that Heavenly Father is not saying NO, he is saying "Not Yet". I trust His timetable.

I do not know if this means we will head back to Michigan to be close to the grand kids or if it means we will stay here or if it means back to Boise or what. But clearly, it seems Alaska is on hold.

Living in Limbo like this is sorta discombobulating. I really want to know where we will land. But I am learning more every single day to "Trust in the Lord with they heart and lean not unto thine own understanding." (Proverbs 3:5)

Choices and Opportunity Cost

I've been thinking a lot about making choices and the impact that has on my life.
We are all familiar with that saying about how when one door closes God opens a window. I do believe there are multiple tracks I could take that would all be good. But I keep getting stuck on the whole issue of knowing that every choice I make closes off the possibility of the five or ten or one hundred OTHER things I might have chosen but did not.

Invariably, I wiffle waffle. Should I order the chili reeno that I KNOW I will like or should I be more adventurous and get something with mole sauce that I may or may not like just to try a new taste?

When I am planning my future do I want to do the safe and secure thing or take a big risk?

What critia should I rely on for making my decisions?

How much do I listen to the advise and opinions of people I know and how much will I be willing to go brazing ahead in a direction that some who I respect have cautioned me against?

No matter what I do, it seems like I always will wonder about the road not taken. Which reminds me of the poem by Robert Frost:

The Road Not Taken
Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth

Then took the other as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet, knowing how way leads onto way
I doubted if I should ever come back

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence
Two roads diverged in a wood
And I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference

photo credit: PerfectImpressions by mar

Full Plate - And THEN some!

In a comment to my last posting Trisi asked why I have not been posting over on the LDS blog Waters of Mormon lately.

I haven't been posting much to ANY of the blogs I used to write for. I've had too much going on in my life to manage anything more than hang on by the skin of my teeth.

Here's why.

In February I changed jobs. My former position was a grant-funded research position that involved helping design pilot programs for a small rural community college and then doing the data analysis to see if they were effective or not. I was part of a 3 person team, had no supervisory or budget responsibilities, and for the most part had complete autonomy to come and go as I wanted so long as I got the job done.

However, that was with a 5 yr grant that will end in September. So for the last several months I've been checking out options for what I might do next. Then a lady at the college who I really liked and respected left to go work somewhere else. She suggested that I take over her job. At first I said I wasn't interested. But there were a few things about that position that piqued my interest. So I decided to throw my hat in the ring. I was appointed on an Interim basis while the college has continued to keep the position open to see if they got any other applicants. Because the job has A LOT of responsibility without significant pay there has been little interest generated. So I'm still slogging away as Interim. One foot in, one foot out.

The challenge has been that the deal they gave me was that I would do the new job 60% of my time and my old job 40% of my my time (since it was anticipated I might be going back to my old job if they did find someone else to hire). So right from the start I was scrambling to keep up with that balance when BOTH jobs really do need a full time person. Add to that the fact that the new job involves leadership over a team of 65 people scattered across six counties and managing a budget in excess of three million dollars. Uh, yeah. Then, just to keep it interesting, there are two vacant positions that I now supervise, one of them a mid-level manager who supervises a team of their own. We've had those positions posted and are scrambling to find the right candidates, but in the mean time while there is no one to cover those responsibilities I'm doing major parts of THEIR jobs as well. Add all that up and it means I am doing, essentially, four jobs. Then when I get home I teach two online classes for a different college.

On top of that there's the usual domestic stuff of managing a household and hoping to keep up with laundry, plant a garden, visit teach 10 sisters, serve in Nursery and am the Homemaking leader for my ward.

Let's just say I'm dancing as fast as I can and trying not to have a total melt down.

Recently told I the HR department and the boss of my current Interim position I had ENOUGH. I want out. I can certainly do the job, actually have done a very competent job of it, but the personal cost is just too darn high. I have been stressed beyond words. I kept thinking if I could just hang in there long enough to wait out the interim position I'd get the job for real and then my responsibility for the 40% of my old job would go away. Also if I could get good people in the two vacancies that would give me some support, lighten the load.

But the fact remains, it's simply not the right match. I don't like the scattered sense I get of having to be responsible for so many different programs across all six counties. It feels too much like when I was a little kid and my dad took my siblings and I to Barnum & Baily Three Ring Circus. If I watched the dancing horses I missed the clowns. If I watched the clowns I missed the elephant parade. If I watched the elephant parade I missed the trapeze lady. If I watched the trapeze lady I missed....oh you get the idea. No matter what I would focus on there was always so much I would miss. I got so frustrated by that at the circus at age six that instead of watching any of it I cried and went to sleep.

Now I don't do that. But I've fallen back into old work-a-holic habit of pushing too hard, too long. I find myself working through lunch, staying too late, and sometimes being so focused on the multiple tasks needing done I don't even stop to pee. I'm not bailing out because I can't do the job. I CAN, I just don't want it.

So now I am looking at what I will do next.

Option #1 is I fall back to my old job and work out the end of the grant - which is fine for now, but really is not a long term solution.

Option #2 is I take one of the two vacancies that I currently supervise. I'm actually seriously considering that. I applied for one of them and have an interview scheduled for a week from tomorrow. I think it might be a good job for me, but if I take it would require a substantial commute. So my beloved and I are weighing the pros and cons of selling our house and moving to put us closer.

Last time I wanted to move (to Michigan) my husband vetoed the idea, and it nearly broke my heart. But as it turns out it's not leaving our HOME that bothered him...he was simply opposed to giving up his job, which from a fiscal point of view makes perfect sense. If we moved for this job we'd get me closer and him a bit further away - but he'd still be close enough that he could continue his current position. He says he is willing to do that, particularly since he only has three more years to go before he will retire.

So I am looking at the very real possibility that if I get this other job we may be selling our house, packing all we own and relocating.

Option #3 is I get a totally different job away from this college. That would make it possible for us to stay in our current home. I've put out some feelers. Not sure how those will play out. I've laid awake trying to figure out which would be better. I honestly don't know.

Option #4 is I run away with the circus. Right now, that one is looking mighty good.

I'm torn with angst and ambivalence over what the right choice is.

Do I take this other job if it is offered? Would moving be the right thing? What if I get in there and I don't like it? Do I just suck it up and do the job no matter what?

What do I expect from my work? How much sacrifice am I willing to make for a job?

Right now those issues are taking up ALL of my energy. I just don't have anything left for blogging.

I still pop in and read a few from time to time. But my own perspective is in such turmoil that I don't have anything coherent to say.

I find myself feeling frightened about making the wrong choice. I am second guessing myself at every turn. I'm not sleeping well at all. On the OUTSIDE I'm holding things together pretty well. Internally I've been a bit of a mess.

Hopefully I'll make peace with it all someday soon. But for right now, most of my writing is private ponderings in the wee hours of the night that has no business on a public forum. It feels far too raw, too vulnerable, too conflicted for the blogosphere.

There are a few different things I've considered writing about for here or there or another blog...perhaps I will around the bend. For now, I just want to breathe deep and focus on being human.