30 Years

Thirty years ago today I married my best friend. I am stunned at how blessed we have been in this relationship. I feel so honored to have had the opportunity to share these three decades with this man. He makes me laugh. He has incredible integrity. He has a phenomenal work ethic and did an amazing job of supporting two families for many years. Now that he is retired he continues to be a phenomenal father and husband. He is a huge support to me in more ways than I can count. Yes, I love him deeply. Beyond that, I genuinely LIKE this guy. We are not just hanging out together. We are truly a team and both of us are better people because of the union we share. My life has been surrounded by so much trust, kindness and possibility because of him. In good times and dark times, we both lift each other up. Happy anniversary my beloved. May we have many, many more years to come.

A Man Out Standing in his Field

One more post about the man I love...

My beloved is a field researcher. He has spent the past 37 years doing experiments of one sort or another on various agricultural chemicals.

Here in this picture he is out working on his variety tolerance test. Basically what he does is stick all those little stakes that you see in the ground to mark off plots that are about 6 foot by 30 feet. Each plot gets a different code number. The ground has been planted with six different kinds of wheat. Each variety gets four different treatments of herbicides. Then my handsome man goes out to gaze at this field two or three times throughout the season to rate whether or not there was any damage to the wheat from any of the different rates of the various types of chemicals. He rates any damage on a percentage scale and compares that to the untreated controls. This particular test has 96 sticks in the ground separating out the various treatment rates, and the one next to it has 168 sticks. There's another behind it that has 200. And that's only about half of the test plots he has out. So he is using that fancy pants scientific graduate degree of his to put sticks in the ground much of the time!

Other tests he is currently working on include weed control in grass grown for seed, and weed control with several different chemicals in wheat.

Over the years he has worked with insecticides, fungicides, herbicides, plant growth regulators and just about any kind of pest control you can imagine. He has done tests in cotton fields, citrus and vegetables in Arizona, corn, soybeans and fruit in the Midwest, tree fruits in Washington and now he works with wheat and grass here in Oregon. I tease him sometimes that working with all those chemicals is going to make his belly button glow in the dark. But he's careful and he's smart. He does important work that helps farmers understand what chemicals work and what do not, what rates are safe and how to maximize crops.

Many people think we'd be way better off to quit using chemicals all together and go back to the "natural" ways of farming. But it simply isn't realistic for us to be able to feed the world without relying on chemical fertilizers and pesticides. Manure has its place (they use it here at the farm where we live), but it also has its limitations. With the agribusiness industry farming hundreds of thousands of acres there is no way to deal with weeds and bugs by hand. So if they are going to use chemical interventions to increase productivity, I'm glad there are people like my husband who do the research and development work to make sure what chemicals are safest under what conditions rather than just willy nilly pouring out poisons like people used to do with DDT.

Part of the time he is a farmer, out on a tractor planting crops. Part of the time he is a scientist compiling and analyzing data to measure the results of his tests. Part of the time he is a business man meeting with growers to give presentations and answer questions about what works and what doesn't.

Having grown up on a farm in Millard County, Utah he learned from a very early age the value of hard work and over the years has developed a work ethic with more integrity than anyone else I know. He works hard when there's work to be done. When the job is done he won't stand around trying to look busy. He either moves on to the next task or goes fishing. He's extremely responsible and dependable.

Can ya tell yet that I really, REALLY admire this guy?

I love his sense of humor and his sense of adventure. But I truly respect what a hard worker he is and all the things he has done to support our family over the years.

Tomorrow he turns 63. So I baked him a pineapple upside down cake from scratch and we'll spend the evening playing board games and visiting with friends.

Happy Birthday sweetie...wishing you many, many more.

Happy Anniversary

Today was my husband and my 27th anniversary. We didn't go out to dinner or do anything especially romantic. We worked together most the day moving furniture and boxes of household stuff that a family in Walla Walla was donating to my agency.

I was contacted by a man who said he and his brother were both flying in from out of town (one back east and one coming from Alaska) to clear out his parents house which was in the process of being sold. Since neither of them were local and they didn't want to pay to ship stuff home they decided to donate most of it to a worthy cause. So, they are giving it all to the non profit organization that I run...which will be LOTS of work for me, but great for the clients my agency serves. Since they only had short time before both of them were scheduled to fly back home again it was important that we get everything out of the house over the last few days.

I took 2 loads on Wednesday with my SUV filled to the brim. Then Thursday after stuffing ourselves with Turkey, pie and all the trimmings my husband and I hauled a load in his pickup with a borrowed trailer filled as well. We did another load today and have one more to pick up tomorrow. It will be weeks of sorting to figure out what is in all those boxes and figuring out how to put it to best use. Much of it we will have no need for and will simply pass on to partnering organizations - but in order to get the parts we DID want I agreed to take it all.

I had equal parts of feeling gratitude and being overwhelmed by the sheer bulk of it all. But most of all I really appreciated my husband's willingness to spend a big chunk of his holiday weekend helping me with this project.

Afterwards we came home to eat turkey leftovers. Then we curled up on the couch and watched Spiderwick Chronicles together. We kept the celebrating fairly low key. Still all in all, it was a pretty good day.

We've done a lot of exciting, exotic things over the years, my man and me. We've taken trips to Egypt, to Costa Rica, to Fiji, and other places all over this country. Many of our anniversaries have been marked by sparkles and fun. This time around we felt satisfied just sticking close to home and taking care of what needed to get done.

Marriage is a complicated endeavor. I've been richly blessed by the union I share with this guy. We are nearly a generation apart in age and VERY different in our interests, opinions, tastes and attitudes. We cancel each other out at most elections and our preferences in music, books, food and many other parts of life are about as far apart as the north and south poles. Yet somehow we manage to merge into a partnership of trust, intimacy, humor, strength and spirit that rocks my world.

There is something about a long term union like we have that is incredibly comforting, even during those times when one or the other or both of us must make sacrifices or forgo our own interests for the sake of the team. We truly are partners, he and I, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

So happy anniversary to you, my beloved. (he's not a blog reader and has only looked at this one once or twice when I specifically asked his input on something I'd written, so I don't expect him to ever see this...but still, I will say it to him anyway. Love ya babe. Lets go build another 20 yrs. Hopefully there will be many more years, many more pictures as we keep building adventures and memories together. I am so richly blessed to be with this man!

Happy Birthday Beloved!

Today is my husband's birthday. We've had a great day - went into the interior of the Yucatan peninsula to visit Chichen Itza. It was AMAZING. But nothing is more amazing that the sacred bond that my beloved and I share. We've been married 26 years and he still makes me feel weak in the knees with his smile. The past few days here have been a truly magical, romantic time of reconnecting for he and I. We've both been burning our candle and both ends lately with work, church, family and other obligations. While we have had no specific conflicts, sometimes we seem to get almost oblivious of one another as we both get too immersed in our respective responsibilities. This trip has given us the chance to remind ourselves and each other of the power of our union and to recommit to keeping it strong. I am so grateful for the blessing of this marriage. He makes me laugh. He makes me feel safe. He teaches me stuff. He listens to me. We share something very special indeed. He's a good man. Besides loving him like crazy, I truly respect this guy and trust him with all my heart. So happy birthday to you my love - and may you have many, many more!

An Ethical Dilema

Morgan Dog has been a very bad basset hound. Although normally good natured and very well behaved, she has recently gone through a phase of chewing up things that matter to me. Well past her puppy days, she moved beyond her chew everything in sight stage some time ago. But in the last few weeks she has had several episodes of reverting to this unacceptable behavior.

Morgan is usually friendly, docile and easy to love. She plays fetch, goes for walks with me, and in many ways is a great canine companion. But then she ate my favorite shoes. Next she ate my scriptures. (I know we are commanded to "feast upon the word" but this is rediculous!) Last night, she ate my cell phone. She is now banished from the house and we are not speaking to one another.

I understand that as a person in relationship with an animal I have certain responsibilities for her care and training. In many respects I consider this beast to be a member of my family and I truly do cherish her. But this has got to stop. At what point do I say "ENOUGH! I will not put up with a dog that continues to destroy my property!"

I can't even imagine permanently exiling Morgan Dog. She brings so much laughter and joy into our house. But right now I'm not feeling very forgiving and the thought has crossed my mind that there are limits to how much of this I will tolerate.

So what does that say about me?

I am a sap to put up with dumb dog who tears up my stuff?
I am a lousy dog owner for not training her better?
I am a selfish meanie who only loves when all is well?

Frankly, I've never understood people who spend thousands of dollars and elaborate care on pets.

While I don't have much affinity for cats, I love dogs. But even the best of dogs ever there was, my trusty old Bojangles who I had for over a dozen years, got put down when he got old and infirm and became incontinent.

So what all this has brought up for me is the whole issue of what behaviors I will or won't tolerate not just from the animals in my life, but also the PEOPLE. What things do I overlook without saying anything? What things do I call someone out on? What things do I lay down the law over? What things are deal breakers that cause me to cut off all contact?

Which things that occur in relationships are worthy of forgiveness and which are not?

There's a lot of talk about "unconditional love." I've never experienced that. I never got it and I don't think I'm capable of giving it. I don't know if any human being is. My faith tells me that's the way God loves us, but it is a concept beyond my comprehension. To me, all loving has limits.

Some would argue that it can be a very loving thing to set limits. In most cases, I would agree. Where I struggle is in the more extreme cases. I've heard it said that a person can even choose to continue to hold love in their heart for someone who has caused them great pain, even if they must remove themselves from that individual for safety sake. But I know from experience that when I've been harmed or betrayed by people I trusted, my heart grows cold to them.

It's one thing to recognize that a relationship is not healthy and to remove myself from it, as I did when I left my first marriage. But what about how I interact with family or friends who become boring, annoying, hurt my feelings or simply have personalities I don't like despite having done no great crime? How loving am I letting myself be with them?

This silly dog of mine has got me thinking about issues of family, friends and forgiveness. The fury I felt over the tattered, mangled remains of the things she has destroyed has reminded me of the hurt and outrage I've felt over things various people have done, from a snide, thoughtless remark to social snubbing to more insidious harms. What is the appropriate response to those who cross the line?

I will put up with more from a sibling, a parent, a son or daughter than I will from a neighbor or chosen friend. I'll keep going back and back and back to try to repair the rift for family long after I would have cut all ties with someone I did not share blood. Why is that? Does this pattern make sense? Should I be extending myself further with unrelated people? Should I be extending myself less with those I am related to? What makes sense?

While I will generally tolerate disappointments, hurts and conflict from family that might cause me to cool a friendship, even with kin and clan there are limits.

I have family members now with whom I have little or no contact. I don't hate or rage against or resent them. I just no longer include them in my thoughts or actions.

Also, I do have "chosen family" that I've had some tough conflicts with, but have been able to get over big breaches to move on to renewed trust and caring. I don't just turn my back on someone the first time there are rough spots. But I recognize that I have been willing to let some relationships cool or fade away entirely because of something that was said or done, or not said or not done, that caused me to define the bond as not worth the cost. I'm taking a long hard look at that to see if I am satisfied with my role in what I've kept hold of and what I've let go.

One by one I've been sorting out what it means to me to have a connection to a person or pet - examining what I will put up with and what I will not. How much of myself am I willing to extend in each of these relationships and how much do I hold back? Where do I draw my lines? In some cases I can see where I need to lighten up and give people more grace. In other cases it is all too evident that it's high time I gave up expecting someone to be there for me in ways they've shown they can't or won't. So I'm looking at what all that means to my heart.

Today I will go buy some rawhide chews for the Basset Hound. We will begin again at teaching appropriate dog behavior in our household. The beast in definitely in big trouble. But she's my dog. I love her. And with or without a cell phone, my life would be diminished without my dog.

As for some of the people in my life - maybe I have some repair work to do there too.

Keeping Marriage Alive

This week's Woman-to-Woman topic has to do with marriage.

The challenge reads thus:

"Whether you've been married for 38 years, 8 years or are a newlywed, you've probably picked up a few of the keys to a happy marriage, one which is nurturing and continues to grow. Maybe your marriage has struggled, but you've found a road back to each other and have insights for those in similar situations. What would you say are the three most key elements in your marriage that keep the romance alive and the heart aflutter? "


There are many things I could write about. I've said before HERE how I feel about the man I'm married to.

But if I have to pick just three key factors that keep our love alive, I'd list these:

MINDFUL INTIMACY
POWER OF WORDS
DEAD PRESIDENTS & POWER

Now to explain.... (warning ...not TOO graphic, but may be a bit PG13. Sorry if this is just TOO MUCH information, but it's something I think matters that is worthy of talking about.)

MINDFUL INTIMACY: When most folks hear married people (or other romantically involved partners) talk about "being intimate" they immediately think that means sex. It can. Sometimes. But I think it is very important to build deliberate intimacy into the relationship that does NOT involve intercourse. Face it, no matter how loving or generous your intent when you start making love, there comes a point when the whole universe -INCLUDING your partner- becomes secondary to the ferocious building up torrent/release of sensation in your own body. At least that is how it is for me.

So we make sure we make time for lots of pleasuring touch that is NOT foreplay, but something to savor for its own. Being able to "pinch and tickle", give lots of deep, passionate kisses, body massage and experimenting with what each of us likes with no expectation for it to be leading up to sex can be incredibly bonding.

There is so much laughter, occasional silliness, sometimes quiet wonder as we explore just sharing ourselves with each other in cuddling, time together ways. Those times make it so that when we DO choose to have sex it's all that much richer, more mindful, more chosen.

Enough said.

POWER OF WORDS - We have this silly little tradition in which I relate any mundane, routine chore to being an expression of devotion. When I'm sorting sock I'll say to my man: "And WHY am I sorting these socks?" He'll tease me at first with some ridiculous answer like "well, it's better than chasing an aardvark!" I will put on mock outrage at that and insist he come up with a better answer. Then he will get a huge grin on his face and tenderly say "Because you love me." To which I will answer some variation of this: "YES, I sort these socks because I do love you. It means a lot to me to be able to help make a home that is comfortable for you, where you can come home secure in the knowledge of having matched socks. I may not be saving the world. But I'm loving you the best way I know how."

Pure mush? Yep. But this little "game" that we play reinforces for BOTH of us that we DO love each other, and that even in all the minutia of life - taking out the trash, sorting socks, picking up dog poop in the yard, washing the car, ANYTHING that makes our home more sane, more ordered, more cozy can be done as an expression of love. There is POWER in that. (And a lot of silliness, which is ok too.)

It keeps us from getting annoyed or overwhelmed with the chores. If we have a big enough WHY, the how just falls into place. It helps us live in a more deliberate state of experiencing and expressing our love in even the most mundane moments.

DEAD PRESIDENTS - my reference to money. So many couples I know have conflicts over cash, or the lack there of. We don't. Ever. Never have in 25 years. In our early years we were poor as church mice. Now we are considerably more comfortable. But no matter where we were on the economic spectrum we have scrupulously followed these rules.

1) PAY TITHING FIRST - no matter what. It is our way of acknowledging that ALL we have comes from the Lord, and that we trust Him to provide for our needs.

2) PAY BILLS NEXT - We are far from rich, but our credit rating is "super prime". On our signature alone we could get many thousands of dollars if some emergency were ever to arise. That comes from having regularly paid our bills on time even if it meant sacrificing other things. We have learned to separate needs from wants and we know which comes first in line.

3) SAVE FOR A RAINY DAY. Even though I grew up in Arizona, I know that eventually, it WILL rain. It helps to have a little nest egg set aside for emergencies. Besides, having grown up poor and known what it felt like to live on the fringe, that nest egg does plenty to provide comfort/security/peace of mind EVERY DAY even when it is not raining. I think this comes under the category of "When ye are prepared ye shall not fear."


Now, if there was anything left after rules 1, 2 & 3 THEN we could make some choices. There were plenty of years when we joked that the reason we didn't fight over money was because we had no money to quibble about. Seriously, it was just plain GONE by the time we took care of our prime directives. So be it. At least we knew the important stuff WAS taken care of.

But in recent years we've had more disposable income than we ever dreamed we would back when we were paupers. And the way we handle that is some extrapolation of the $50 rule.

What's that you ask? From very early on when I was a stay at home mom we BOTH acknowledged that we BOTH contributed to the household in meaningful ways even though he brought in income and I didn't. So we made a pact that each month he would get $50 and I would get $50 to spend ANY WAY WE LIKED with no questions, no complaints, no criticism, no eye rolling. There were times when I thought he needed another fishing pole like he needed a hole in the head. There were days when I'm sure he questioned why I was forever buying yet ANOTHER book when I had plenty sitting on the shelf I had not yet read. But it didn't matter. We were grown ups with the right to choose what was important to us without having to ask permission or worry about censure.

Now, over the years the AMOUNT of the $50 rule has changed substantially. At one point it was closer to $5. Now it is bigger. But the amount really isn't important - that just depends on any given couple's financial means. The key principles are that we are TOTALLY honest with each other, don't "SNEAK" or hide purchases and give each other room to have preferences, desires, etc that make no sense to our spouse. (My husband is a sucker for kitchen gadgets and other wonder items sold on TV infomercials. I spend lots of money for things that never "SHOW" in the house, like getting massage or going to trainings or retreats.) We are DIFFERENT in what we value. But that's ok. He and I BOTH contribute to our family and we BOTH should be able to benefit from our means - that was true when I had no financial income, it was true when he made way more than me and it is still true when I earn more than him.

We don't fight over little pieces of paper with pictures of dead presidents. Our love is just too important for that.


There are plenty of other things which keep our magic going. I've mentioned a few of them in my comments to some of the other entries to this topic.

The bottom line is that keeping love alive is a CHOICE, not a matter of luck or having been exceedingly wise in choosing the perfect person. We are all married to human beings therefore, like us, they are imperfect. But we can choose to focus on what we treasure rather than what we deplore. Sure, I wish he wouldn't leave his dirty socks in the middle of the floor. But I'll keep picking them up, keep washing them and keep sorting them into pairs - NOT because there are no Aardvarks in this neck of the woods. I do it, because I really, truly DO love him.

Co hosts Lei over at My Many Colored Days and Morning Glory at Seeds From My Garden have link lists leading to what other women have written on this subject.

Powerful Read

I'm about two thirds of the way through the novel "The Wedding" by Nicholas Sparks. This has been an AMAZING book for me to read in this season of my life.

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The tale is of a husband who forgets his 29th anniversary. The hurt and disappointment he sees in his wife over that error brings to head the fact that they are very much leading parallel lives. They do not fight, do not scream, do not accuse, do not throw plates. But neither do they laugh together or tenderly caress. He is caught up with his career as an attorney - working long hours and expending nearly all his focus and energy at the office. She has spent the bulk of her whole married life consumed with raising their children, managing the household, arranging their social lives. But now the kids are grown and gone and she seems...at least by his perception (which is the only point of view we have to go by) somewhat adrift in her own life.

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He senses a sadness, a loneliness in his wife. So Wilson goes about the next year trying to win back the love of his wife he fears he has nearly lost by sheer neglect. The passages that describe the passion, longing, tenderness our protagonist feels for his wife despite the fact that he's never been comfortable talking about or showing his emotions are a sheer revelation.

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I've written before about the extent to which I positively adore the man I married. Truly, I treasure, savor and relish the bond that is ours.Yet with each page I turn of this novel, I am reminded how easy it is to fall into the trap of a comfortable co-existence, being nice to each other, but not really putting forth the effort to lay the kindling of small gestures that can catch fire to true intimacy. Like Wilson in this story, my husband is a quiet man who is not one to speak of matters of the heart easily. So sometimes I don't give him credit for things he may well feel simply because I don't see or hear them readily. Yet I also have much in common with the story's protagonist. I have a very busy life, too often allowing myself to get caught up in my work, giving the majority of my spunk and vigor at the office with little left in reserve when I get home. Also, because after my day job I still have work to do online for the two classes I teach, there have been too many evenings of late where as soon as the supper dishes are cleared I'm sequestered off to my home office upstairs until one or two in the morning - not even noticing when my husband goes to bed. That pattern clearly needs to change.

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My beloved and I are no where near the stage of estrangement that Wilson and his wife were experiencing at the start of this book. But that does not mean there are not important lessons for me here.

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I have been drinking in deeply the message of the book of how important it is for long married couples to continue to court one another. I've been thinking long and soulfully about the things I might do better to help communicate to my beloved in a way he can relate to well how much I truly cherish him. So, like Wilson Calhoun, I am working on a deliberate campaign to woo my spouse. I do not want to fall into the trap of taking for granted this amazing human being I'm wed to. As we move through the 26th year of our marriage I want to remind him of all the reasons why I chose him, why I'm glad he picked me, and why I'd marry him all over again.

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In the Sociology of the Family course I teach online we discuss much about the factors that influence strong bonds in a relationship and the things that rip couples and families apart. In my lectures I talk about how loving ties with another are much like a garden - they require frequent tending and upkeep or even the best of beginnings can whither. But just because I've climbed the graduate school mountain and have studied all the grand theories of family systems theory doesn't mean I always remember to put the tried and true best practices into practice in my own home. Sadly, sometimes the cobblers children run around without any shoes.

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I am madly in love with this guy that sleeps in my bed. We're not just hanging out together. We're in it for the long haul, to share of our heart and spirits with deliberate intention to make it just as sweet as it possibly can be. Even so, that won't just happen all by itself because I want it to. If I've learned anything at all after all these years, it is that loving deeply is a CHOICE that involves taking action.

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There is an oft sung children's song in at my church called "I am a Child of God". There is a line in the lyric that was originally written "Teach me all that I must know to live with Him some day." Several years ago the leaders of the church asked that that line in the song be changed to "teach me all that I must DO to live with Him someday." While we are taught that none of us can earn our way into heaven by our puny obedience - for surely it is by the grace and mercy of the Atonement of Christ that any of us are saved - we still acknowledge that we must keep the commandments and LIVE what it is we say we believe. Likewise, no matter what I may know about relationship dynamics and family systems theory, it's what I do that really matters. Feeling love is not enough. Telling someone I love them is not enough. The choices we make each and ever day of how we treat one another are what will determine if we experience that love that we both want so much.

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Loving well is not something that lucky people get and others miss out on. It's something I do when I mindfully overlook small annoyances, when I choose to forgive things that hurt my feelings, when I sacrifice my own interests to do something nice for my partner. But it's not being a martyr or a doormat. To love anybody outside of myself in a significant way I have to be willing to acknowledge and respect my own needs as well. As much as doing kind things for the person I care for does matter, I am convinced true love also involves sticking up for myself and making my own needs clear, setting a standard for how I deserve to be treated--but doing that in such a way they can be honored rather than capitulated to. After all - the people in our lives are not mind readers. While I would like it if my husband could just somehow magically, intuitively KNOW what it is I expect or what it takes for me to feel appreciated, that's not very realistic. So it's important I tell him, and sometimes must to do so more than once, in different ways until he understands.

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Loving means taking the time, going beyond my own comfort zone at times, making a place in my heart for the magic to happen and CHOOSING it over self interest, over outside diversions, over apathy, over all else. Love is a choice.

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This goes way beyond just in marriage or any other romantic relationship. This has relevance to how I treat my siblings, my neighbor, my co-workers, and the little girl down the street who watches my dog whenever we go out of town. Instead of being self absorbed with my list of things to do or worries over my own personal concerns, I want to allow myself to engage more fully in the many different colors of love that I have with different people in my life.

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I've been very blessed in terms of having quite a collection of people who have touched my life in positive ways. They really do mean a lot to me. Yet one of the things I am realizing more and more as I read this story is how easy it is to have deep, significant feelings for another but just do a lousy job of showing it. So in the next few days, weeks, months ahead I hope to do a bit better job at showing not just my husband, but a lot of the people I care about what they mean in my life.

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This book is reminding me that loving my brothers and sisters, my old college buddies, my church family and all others is something I don't just FEEL, but something I need to express.

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I am courting my husband more tenderly these days. But I also want to reach out to some other people in my life to be abundantly clear how much I value them.

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This book is such a tribute to loving well. I heartily recommend it!

Different Worlds

Tonight my sweetie and I were watching a PBS special on the Kingston Trio. For him, it brought back many fond memories. He used to sing songs like "Where Have All The Flowers Gone", "Green Back Dollar", and "Tom Dooley" in high school assemblies in the early '60's.

Right about that time I was starting kindergarten.

So by the time I became conscious enough to pay attention to music, the hey day of folk tunes had come and gone. Oh sure, I was familiar with Peter, Paul & Mary and Joan Baez. But that wasn't what I grew up listening to.

During my teen age years I was listening to Janis Joplin, Jimmy Hendrix, Cream, the Doors, Iron Butterfly and Black Sabbath. My friends and I loved the song "War Pigs". If you ask my husband, he would say that was NOT music at all. We sort of grew up in different worlds.

He was in high school when Kennedy was assassinated. I was six. He was in college when we sent our first man to the moon... I was still reading Nancy Drew books and climbing trees. His computer classes in college used IBM punch cards that were sent to a main frame machine that filled an entire room at a different facility. I went in learning how to program DOS on a PC.

It's interesting being so closely bonded to a man whose whole world experience has been so radically different from my own. It's almost like I had married someone who was of a different nationality. Our frame of reference for what is cool, what is fun, and what is important very seldom fits on the same page. We've cancelled out each other's votes in most elections. We learned early on NOT to try buying each other clothing, music or books.

The nice thing about this relationship, however, is that we both have learned to appreciate many things than neither one of us would have tried on our own and we've developed a healthy dose of tolerance for respecting each other's view even when we disagree.

In our early days together his friends and family were all shaking their heads, figuring my man was going through some sort of middle age crazy to hook up with "that head-in-the clouds hippie girl" and my pals were wondering what in the world I was doing with some straight Republican cowboy with good manners when they knew me to generally have a strong preference for bad boys in leather on motorcycles who never called anyone Mame. Clearly, by most accounts, our being together made absolutely no sense.

But when I'm in the crook of this guy's arm I feel like all the planets have lined up and the universe is smilin' on my soul. After twenty five years of marriage we've learned to compromise and negotiate a plenty. Some of the differences have been quite humorous, and a few have caused frustration, disappointment or outrage. But through it all, there's never been any question that our spirits were meant to fill each other up.

If you've ever read Shel Silverstein's book The Missing Piece, that pretty much sums up the way he and I fit.

Our tastes and habits and opinions remain very, VERY different in many ways.

But I don't need a reflection of me to love.

I need someone I can appreciate, respect, learn from and play with.

I got that and then some. I'd say I'm one lucky lady to have this man in my life.

We've travelled the world together, shared heartaches and victories, and through it all continued to make each other laugh. I may never understand why he likes to watch professional bull riding or how he can stand surrounding himself with the stuffed carcasses of dead animals. He will in all likelihood never get it when I want to talk about existential angst. But he'll listen anyway. And he'll try. And sometimes he'll even give me the remote. What more can a girl ask for than that?

Love is a Verb

I began with trying to write a comment of response to Spoke's latest post, but realized I was going on way to long so decided I'd move my thoughts here...

When I consider the main message behind the beatitudes, I keep coming back to the commandment to LOVE. I used to think that love was a feeling. But I've come to have a different view as I've gotten older. In my view, LOVE is a verb - it is something I DO, not some intangible thing that I feel. Emotions are chemical storms in my brain built of hormones triggered by thoughts and sensory experiences. But I believe love is far bigger than that. I may or may not feel attraction. I may or may not feel comfort and nurturing. I may or may not feel all sorts of things that we've come to associate as "love". But what I DO, how I BEHAVE, is how I love.

I used to think it was hypocrisy, insincerity, some sort of lie if I behaved in a way different from my "true feelings." But these days I believe many of those feelings are simply mortal passions to be overcome. If my desire is to know love, then I need to act in a loving way, whether I feel like it or not.

Sometimes I do not feel the presence of God or anything even close to it. But if I can continue to BEHAVE in a worshipful, honoring way that is love. Sometimes I don't feel positive toward the people I encounter. But if I can BEHAVE in a kind, respectful, nurturing manner that is love. Sometimes I don't feel the will to respect my planet - my emotions may run rampant with greed and longing for self indulgence. But if I can ACT in ways to be a wise steward...that is love.

There is so very much I do not know and cannot understand. I am not wise.

But I am willing to listen and to learn.

So when I read stuff like Spoke's Beatitudes posting, rather than jump up to justify my position, my opinions, my ideas, my interpretations I try to go quiet inside and ask...how does this fit for me?

How might I be more willing to be present to God's will instead of my own agenda?
How might I shift my focus of what my treasure is?
How might I guide my all too often stubborn, spiteful, too proud spirit to soften to a broken, contrite heart?

What does it mean to surrender?

I may not have the answers, but I keep returning to the questions, and I suppose that's a start.