Hope & Disappointment

After learning I did not get the job I was really hoping I would be hired for, I've been giving a lot of thought to the relationship between hope and disappointment.

Every broken dream that causes me to cry is a direct result of having reached for a place, a person, a thing, or set of circumstances I want to draw into my life. When what I long for doesn't happen, how badly I feel about it seems to be in direct proportion to how much I had hoped. In my mind, the definition of pain is the distance between what IS and what I hope for. Little distance = little pain. Big distance = devastated, bleeding, bruised and battered heart whimpering in a ball on the floor. (Well, figuratively anyway.) What it comes down to, for me, is this: if I could stop HOPING for certain outcomes then I would never be disappointed.

Recently I allowed my hopes to go flying sky high.
Today, my disappointment has my heart crawling lower than a snake's belly.

So was all that hope a mistake?

I don't think so.

I prefer to hold on to the words of Martin Luther King who said: "We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope."

It is an inevitable part of living in this fallen mortal world that we will all experience some shattered dreams and big disappointments. How we choose to respond to those events will shape how we experience our lives.

Sometimes it may seem a bit masochistic or misguided to keep flinging my heart skyward with hope, giving room for deep longing for certain outcomes to happen. More than one person has recently advised me I'd be better off to practice more "acceptance" and appreciation of whatever actually comes into my life instead of forever chasing passionately after different paths. I know that advice is well intended. But it's not for me. I am determined to keep hope alive.

I am a dreamer at my core. I like being optimistic as I reach for different possibilities. It's not without a price. But it is a price I'm willing to pay. A lot of the things I reach for never come to pass. Some of those missed dreams cause me to shrug my shoulders and say "oh well!". Others have sent me huddled into fetal position wailing for days. But I will accept that risk. I would rather have a life of scars from the crashes than play it safe by never striving. I will take the heartbreak. Because I choose to continue to reach for the stars.

Silly girl.

Pins and Needles

I'm in Idaho once again - scheduled for my SECOND interview for the full time sociology faculty job I am hoping for. Yes indeed, I made the first cut into the final top three.

I have SERIOUS butterflies. I am trying to let go of all expectation, to simply trust God and the universe to know what is best. I keep trying to pray "thy will be done." But I WANT this so bad I can taste it. It seems like such a right fit for both me and for my family for MANY different reasons.

DON'T get your hopes up I tell myself - stay in a state of optimistic acceptance of whatever may come to pass. But it's too late. Once I got the call that I made the cut my hopes did all sorts of flip flops in my belly. I do want it with a keening hunger that steals my breath.

Heck, I got so excited about the possibility I started pulling books off my many bookshelves and packing to move. Yeah, I get it that is WAY premature. But I had so much nervous energy I couldn't help myself. I packed 10 boxes which are all neatly labled. Garden books. Paperback novels. Old classics. Church books. Sociology books. This isn't a matter of being over confident. I TOTALLY get it that I do not have this job wrapped up. It was more a matter of completely focusing on the reality I desire and preparing for that to happen. It's not that big of a deal if I have to put the books back. If I DO get to move as I want to then yippee, I'm ahead of the game.

I pray for calm. I pray for willingness to accept whatever comes. But right on the heels of that I keep falling back to: Please God, please, please please, if it be possible, let this opportunity come.

I'll be on pins and needles till I hear. I have some nagging concern that if the answer is no - not this job, not this time, not this place that I just may crash and burn. I would hope not. But I suspect the disappointment would be huge. So I am trying to put on the brakes for my eager anticipation about having this particular dream come true. Maybe this is something else all together. Maybe this is just to be a test of my resilience? Maybe this is one more experience of coping with heartache and loss?

I KNOW God lives, I KNOW God loves me, I KNOW God hears my prayers. Yet I also know that sometimes the answer to those prayers is no. I trust that when He does say no that it is not capricious disregard. I know He has my very best interest at heart. But I also know that a big part of this fallen mortal world is to test and refine us and that adversity is a huge part of that plan.

So while I trust & have faith that in the ETERNAL realm whatever happens will be for my good, I do not trust that it will work out feeling good NOW.

So I'm worried and nervous, scared and all wobbly inside.

Oh, how I want this.

But I will breathe deep and do the best I can to be calm.

Interview at 11:30 today Idaho time.

I'll let ya know how it goes.

A Perfect Brightness of HOPE

The scriptures are replete with references to HOPE.


PSALMS 71:14 But I will hope continually, and will yet praise thee more and more.

ROMANS 8:24 For we are saved by hope: but hope that is seen is not hope: for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for?

LAMENTATIONS 3:26 It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the Lord.

MORONI 7:42 Wherefore, if a man have faith he must needs have hope; for without faith there cannot be any hope.

I've been thinking about hope a lot.
I don't trust hope.
Too many times hope leads to heartache and disappointment.

In an eternal sense hope may be a dandy thing, connected with faith, trusting in the promises of God. But in the temporal world Hope is a trickster, buoying up my spirits with a giddy expectation that everything will turn out well when many times it does not. All too often, hope leaves me stranded.

So, at times, I try to disengage myself from hope. I tell myself it is not helpful to have any great attachment to one outcome or another. What I want, long for, hope for, will not have any bearing on the outcome. Events and circumstances are going to play out however they will regardless of my puny desires and motives, no matter how passionate they may be. I might as well just accept what comes. Hope is just my vain way of fooling myself into believing I know what the good/best/right outcome would be when the truth of the matter is that I only see such a small fraction of the big picture how can I possible know what would be for the best?

HOWEVER - the flip side of all this is that I want to hope. Even when things turn out badly in the end, the way I experience the process when I am in a state of hope primes me for noticing positive possibilities along the way rather than forfeiting into a sense of inevitability. When I am HOPING I am alert and looking for every toe hold of opportunity to influence things. When I lose hope I go despondent and begin to believe nothing I say or do will matter. That spirals into alienation and a dark sense of futility. Not a place I want to be.

Right now there are several key things I am hoping for.

I am hoping my oldest son will graduate
I am hoping our house sells
I am hoping I get the job I just interviewed for
I am hoping a variety of other things that I prefer not to mention here...

I have no idea how any of these things will ultimately turn out. But I do hope.

And with that hope comes much heartache and disappointment.
It's a package deal. I'll take each sorrow as it comes and view it as far preferable to the hollow sense of apathetic hopelessness that is the alternative.

I'm rambling, I know. But this is an issue that's been rattling around in my mind a lot of late. CAUTION says "Don't get your hopes up". My heart says "Too late, my hope is soaring. Perhaps I'll crash. But in the mean time, I'm going to have a fabulous ride. Just name me Icarus."

HOPE HOPE HOPE

My interview for the job of my dreams went VERY well. This is the job that I want, no doubts or reservations. Taking it would involve a move and some personal complications, but I haven't got a single doubt in my mind it would be an ideal match for me. So I'm hoping beyond all hope they will pick me.

The intriguing part was finding out some things about the position that I was very specifically prepared for precisely because of the experience I have had in the crummy-overwhelming-bad match job that I have right now. Isn't it interesting how our adversity is sometimes our best teacher?

Years ago I heard my uncle say something when he was hoping his apple crop would turn out well: "I'm going to cross my fingers and cross my toes, pray hard, keep my eyes on the Lord and not think about anybody's pants." Whatever works!

In the mean time I'm doing the all too familiar dance in my heart of wanting it oh so badly, and wanting to stay positive and optimistic, but also steeling myself against the possibility that I will not be picked. I try not to let the fear creep in. But I think if I miss this one my spirit may crash and burn. I don't know that I've ever wanted anything as bad as I want this. It is probably the ONLY job on the face of the planet that I would be eager to stick with for 15 years or more.

So now I wait. I do trust in my core that it will turn out however it should. But oh, how ready I am for this to be the one....

Pins & Needles

HOLY TOMATOES! The pipe dream might get real.

I had my phone interview this morning. It went VERY well. I still have several layers of hoops to jump through before I would know I had the job. I know they are doing preliminary phone screen interviews with 15 people, so it is quite possible that any one of them could blow me out of the water. Realistically, it is WAY too early to get excited about this. But it feels like all the planets are aligning and that things are falling into place.

I'm ready to start packing up my whole house and get ready to move. I think that the universe is smiling on me and getting ready to give me a job that would feed my soul as well as put food on the table. AND put me just one and a half hours away from my sons and the geo-tribe of 8 precious grand kids. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let it be so.

Many thanks to all of you who are hanging in there with me on this and have offered prayers of support. Hey Kelly, get that Boston Creame ready to celebrate!

How Much is Enough??

I have a phone interview set for Friday morning at 8:30 AM for a job in Kalamazoo, Michigan that I really, REALLY want to get. I had applied for four different positions, and this one would be my first pick of the four. I have now made the first cut into the pool to be phone interviewed. Time will tell if I'm the right fit for what they want and if they can offer what I need to justify a cross country move.

One of my concerns is that because the job would be working for a non-profit agency, the likelihood of it paying what I make now is extremely low. So I have to make up my mind, how much would I really need to accept a position there if I felt right about all the other factors?

I recently taught a workshop on Career Development here at the college where I currently work full time. One of the topics I covered was compensation packages and how a person determines what they really need or expect in a given job. One of the statements I made in that workshop was: "If it was only about the money we would all deal drugs." There are many ways we are rewarded by our work that have nothing to do with money. I understand that. Still - is it realistic to take a job that would pay $10K less? Particularly in light of the fact that moving would most likely be the trigger for my beloved's retirement, putting me in the hot seat of being primary wage earner for our family, I do need to pay careful attention to that.

So today my heart is dancing between hope and fear.

One of my fears is that I will not get the job. But I may be even more afraid that they WILL offer me the job, but make a salary offer so low that it is not feasible. Or even worse, they could offer an amount that I would be willing to accept but my husband would not be willing to sacrifice his job for. It seems we have different levels of what we think we need to be ok. So who decides what we ultimately do? What does that mean for the one who may not agree? YIKES. That's a kettle of fish I'm not eager to open up.

I'm trying to have faith that it will work out however it is meant to. But I'm not sure I even know what that means. I'm not sure there IS a "meant to happen" scenario here. I can continue to grow and learn and develop as a person no matter where I live. I can make contributions to people around me no matter what sort of work I do. Clearly, I have my preferences. But it will happen however it plays out. I can influence the circumstances, but not control them. Really swallowing that certainty down solid is both liberating and makes me a little queasy.

But this morning I got a phone call from my son who lives near Grand Rapids. Seems my 13 yr old grand daughter just won the spelling championship for her whole school. Next she goes on to regionals. Last year she took second in State spelling bee. This may be her year to win the prize. It would mean the world if I could be in the audience cheering her on. I have lots of reasons for wanting very much to relocate back to Michigan. I'll curse the humidity and hate the mosquitoes. I'll miss mountains and at times long for dear friends left behind. But their are eight precious grand kids growing up there without me. I'm tired of being the lady who sends cool care packages and comes to visit one week each year. I want to be allowed to fully participate in their lives. How can you put a price tag on that?

So cross your fingers and say a prayer for me on Friday morning.

It just may be time for Belladonna Piranha to reinvent herself all over again.

Hope

After a wonderfully relaxing, romantic getaway week in Mexico we are now home in the land of ice and snow. So far, re-entry to our regular life has gone fairly well. Our vacation truly did rejuvenate us both, re-establish our commitment to each other in the face of whatever may come, and helped us get focused on what matters most.

So now rather than merely putting one foot in front of the other in frantic survival mode dashing through each day, we are trying to stay mindful of the big picture of what is truly important. We are striving to be more present-oriented, noticing our blessings each moment of every day, focusing on all we have to be grateful for even as we take on the various challenges and responsibilities that loom in our path.

At the same time that we are working hard to stay connected to the NOW, we are also looking ahead to get clear on the life we are creating - so we can more mindfully take steps to move foreward into the direction that seems best. As part of that, we are prayerfully hoping with all our might that I will get the job I have applied for back in Michigan. We are feeling a strong sense that it MAY happen, but it certainly could go either way.

We actually have a pretty cozy life where we are now. We have a nice house. We have some good friends. We enjoy our church congregation and are comfortable in this small, rural community. But our family is all many miles away. It feels very important to us both to get closer to them, and this job would make that possible. The job itself sounds like a very good match for my skills & background. It is a position I think I could be good at and would enjoy. But above all, the lure for me is definitely the fact that it would put me back in the region where my sons and grandchildren live. That, I believe, could be hugely significant.

Instead of being the grandparents who send cool packages and come to visit once a year, we could take an active role in our grandchildren’s lives. We could be there to offer support to our single-parent son who has had some mighty struggles in the past year and also an influence of righteousness to the whole tribe.

So I hope. I pray. I wait to see what happens. Around Dec 18 the college where I have applied is supposed to have sorted through all the initial applications to make the first cut between who they will consider further and who will get an immediate no thank you. Please, please God, let me make it into the to-be-considered pile.

I’ve been dancing in a state of hope and anticipation. I want this really, really bad.

If I don’t get it, I will be disappointed but not devastated. Clearly, I know I can continue to craft a good life for myself right where I am. I have plenty to be grateful for and look forward to living where I do. I don't know what kind of job I would get here next year when my current position ends. But I have trust that when the grant runs out on the job I have now, something suitable would turn up when I needed it to. So if this hoped for job I want so much back in Michigan falls through, I have a soft place to land.

Still….I see in my mind the faces of those children that I so long to love with more direct communication and contact. I think of my boys and the men they have become and how much I would like to be near them to share in their triumphs and struggles. I think of the job that I would be doing and the things it would allow me to accomplish. EVERY SINGLE LINE in the job description is something I have demonstrated strengths in. In one way or another, it seems the past four jobs I have had have been preparing me for this moment. It just FEELS like the right fit for me.
So I am hoping…

Hope is such an interesting thing. On the one hand, I fear hope. It makes me vulnerable to disappointment. If I did not hope, I could never be let down. If I could somehow manage to let go of all expectation, to remain utterly neutral and willing to accept any outcome with equal understanding that the universe is unfolding just the way it should be-- that would shield me from the volatile emotions of anxious anticipation and potential sorrow when things don’t pan out the way that I want. Yet on the other hand, I embrace hope. Hope gives me the vision of what is possible and leads me to reach further, strive harder, believe stronger rather than merely sit back and take whatever may come like one big life of pot luck. Hope gives me a positive sense of possibility rather than fatalistic predeterminism. Hope buoys up my spirit in a way I can't even begin to explain. So I’ll take my lumps of disappointment along with my reveling victories. I am pragmatic enough to recognize that many things I hope for will never come to pass. But I will deal with that each time it happens. I am still holding hard onto hope.