Icebergs & Intimacy

Some claim that it is only by revealing our inner most hearts to others that we are able to experience true caring relationships. The idea is that full disclosure of emotions, attitudes, opinions, thought life, etc is what leads to being fully engaged and “knowing” each other, building this bond we name "intimacy". According to this view, if I keep most of my inner life concealed, like the mass of icebergs drifting beneath the water line, the quality of my bond with others will be diminished.

There is an alternative belief that the strength of relationships is based on how we BEHAVE toward one another. I may be a very private person, but what matters most is that I treats you kindly. Regardless of what pieces of information I do or don't tell you about myself, if both of us can establish habits of being genuinely nice to one another we can build a bond we both value.

Obviously, kindness and being open are not mutually exclusive conditions. Some people seem able to do both quite well…. But which do I really believe matters more in the quality of my relationships? Which area do I personally need to work on more?

In examining what factors I believe create greater closeness, I also wrestle with acknowledging how close I truly want to be. Do I really want to expose the darkness of my heart to anyone else? Am I willing to invite that level of vulnerability? What do I expect from the other people in my life and what am I willing to give? (or give up?) What am I willing to do to make my significant relationships more meaningful? What am I willing to NO LONGER DO to improve those bonds?

Finding the balance between privacy and self exposure in the context of how I interact with strangers, family or friends is all part of the challenge. It works great when both /all parties in a relationship have complementary levels of interest in one another. But so often, the reciprocity is somewhat lopsided. Then what? If I am willing and open to share who I am with you based on my need/desire to be known, but you do not welcome that level of contact, what happens to my heart? On the other hand, if I feel the need to remain more guarded when you are seeking to open up more, what will the consequence be?

If I seek to know more about you, craving opportunities to delve below the surface social chatter to authentically attend to your human experience, will it matter whether you are open to that or not? Might I be blessed by my openness even if you close your doors?

How much can any of us really know another person, or be known in return? How much is enough? How much is too much? Navigating all that sometimes just feels like too much work. I'd rather climb a tree with a good book and be done with the rest of the human race much of the time. But sooner or later I always come back down and tentatively stick my toe out once more to experiment with interaction....no matter how much I may deny it, there is a hunger deep to look into another face and connect. The degree to which I allow fear to rule my risks in reaching out to other people in the world is how I experience my own waterline on my emotional iceberg. Some days I can drop the level down a considerable ways...other times the tide rises high. How's your waterline today?