Choose Ye This Day....

I've been thinking a lot lately about how quickly things can change in our lives. I've been reminded about the power and importance of individual choice in what we will notice and what we will focus on among all the many things occurring all around us. I've always said that each person's attitude was up to the person's choice more than a result of what happened to them. Here lately I've had some opportunities to really test how far I believed that to be true.

2011 was a great year for me. SO many blessing came my way. November and December in particular were a giddy blur of peak experiences. I had found my new job which was a great fit after a long period of struggle in a difficult work environment. I celebrated my 30th anniversary with the man I love, and truly felt bowled over by the depth of the kindness and intimacy we have developed over the years. I had several key spiritual experiences that strengthened me in ways so sacred I hold them close to my heart. In nearly every area of my life, I had so much bliss it was astonishing. This was way beyond happy. I felt a rich sense of purpose and meaning in my life far beyond any I had known before.

Then the new year came and much of that seemed to flip. My job is still great. My man is still my hero. My testimony still is strong and sustaining. But it would have been easy to lose site of all that in the face of some dark things that at times seemed to overshadow everything else.

January was a tough month at our house. It was a time of funerals and condolences. We lost six different people we were close to. Most were folks who lived in other states, but who had been an important part of our lives over the years. Two were from our current congregation - bookending life with one being way too young (just 15) and the other having known many years. While the circumstances around each of these deaths was different - cancer, old age, accident, suicide, heart disease - in every single one of these cases we were reminded of the uncertainties of life and why it really does matter to say what needs said to the people we love NOW rather than waiting for just the right time. You just never know when a conversation will be your last.

Then right along side all those griefs, came the health challenges. My sweet husband had been having lots of problems with his right shoulder - pain and loss of mobility. It turned out he had a torn rotator cuff that needed surgery. What was supposed to be a very straightforward operation got more complicated when they found the damage to his shoulder was far more extensive than the ultra-sound had indicated. It was not just torn. His ligament was completely unattached from the bone. So instead of a simple arthroscopic repair the surgeon had to cut through the muscle which will require a much longer and more painful recovery time.

For several days after the operation it was quite a struggle for him to deal with the pain and nausea. There were two days in particular that were hell on toast. We were both feeling pretty bleak. Even after the worst of that passed, the frustration for both my beloved and me was pretty high as we coped with him not being able to bathe or dress himself without help. He couldn't get good sleep and was just never very comfortable.

Finally the staples came out and the sling came off so now he is feeling a lot better. Best of all is that he can drive again, so he won't feel so trapped being home unable to get anywhere. Still, it will be several months and much difficult physical therapy before he will have full use of his arm again.

Add to this mix that one of our grown up kids was having some major struggles. I won't go into the details here as that is his private business - but suffice it to say that we spent more than a few sleepless nights of worry about the problems that our boy was having to cope with. Our kids are all adults and as such we hope that they will be able to manage whatever challenges they come up against in their lives. But in my heart my boys will always be my babies, no matter how grown up they are, so it HURTS when I see them having an especially hard time.


Put all of this together and what it adds up to is that the start of 2012 has been a season of coping with adversity in one fashion or another.

It has given me a chance to reflect on how I look at life when things are shining and how I look at things when dark clouds come calling. There were times during the happy days when I reveled in peak experiences and knew absolutely how very well blessed I was. There were also, I'm sorry to say, times when all was good that I pretty much took it for granted and just got caught up without noticing or giving thanks for how sweet it all was. Similarly, there have been times during our recent difficulties and sorrows that I have REMAINED grateful for the tender mercies that abound, even in the face of hardships, times when I've felt genuine joy despite some terribly painful things crashing all around us. And there have been times when I've crumbled in a heap of overwhelm and hurting when all I could see were the losses, the pain, the distance between current reality and what I would wish for instead.

Because the contrast in our circumstances have been so absolute in a very short period of time it has been a pretty dramatic lesson -

Happiness, contentment and joy are certainly easier to find when experiencing pleasant and supportive events or environment. But good weather, good food, solid tires, and fine health will not in and of themselves make me feel like all is right with the world. I've known plenty of people who focus on whatever is not immediately perfect no matter how many blessings they have.

And in the same fashion, grief, loss, hard times will not by themselves make me be miserable. It is certainly more of a challenge to keep my optimistic outlook when everything I care about seems to be crashing down around me. But it is not impossible. I have truly known some moments of sweet peace and joy during some of these darkest days.

Life is a complicated mix of good and bad, painful and pleasant. Through it all I decide which I will focus on .....what I have to be grateful for or what I have to sorrow about. I pick. I hope I can choose well.

Happy Happy Birthday to ME!

I just had the BEST BIRTHDAY I've had in years. From start to finish it was just an amazing day.

1. I got the job that I had been hoping for. More money than I had expected AND the possibility of tuition reimbursement for a grad program I've been looking at. YIPPEE!

2. I had some amazing connections with family and friends.

I went out to dinner at a la-dee-dah fancy restaurant with my husband, my brother and my sister-in-law. (Although I've been told they have the best steaks in town not one of us ordered a steak. But the duck, the halibut and Ahi Tuna were stunning!)

I also had some great phone calls/emails/cards that brightened my day. In particular I had a great talk with my cousin in Renton, WA and my brilliant-and-delightfully-kooky inventor kid brother in California.

3. I was still on a spiritual high from the recent worldwide conference of my church.

Put that all together and life is just bowling me over with blessing right now.

There is a small town in Gooding County called Bliss, Idaho. But I'd say I've found my bliss right where I am.

What a Pain in the Neck!

One of the reasons I've been writing less these days is that school has started, so much of my computer time is spent writing class lectures or grading student papers.

The other issue has been some struggles I've been having with my neck and back. That image you see with this is not just some random picture off the internet. It's my actual X-ray.

I've been to three chiropractors, a physical therapist and an acupuncture doctor. I'm still having a fair amount of pain. Apparently I have a bit of arthritis in my neck. Beyond that I have too many years of bad posture and mega hours sitting in front of my computer working against me. Put that all together and I've got one big pain in the neck (and back). Sigh.

So I've adjusted my work stations at both my home office and at my full time job...raised the monitors to my computers several inches higher and changed the way I will sit. I'm doing some specific exercises that help increase my flexibility and strengthen my back muscles. Also I'm trying diligently to get more regular sleep.

Hopefully in the coming weeks I will be able to get a handle on the problem. But even though I do expect to see improvement, the reality is that as I age I can probably expect more aches and pains. How I choose to cope with that will be up to me.

I'm trying to be mindful about focusing more on what's RIGHT than what's uncomfortable. I truly do have a whole lot of blessing going on all around me. Still, it's just hard to be positive when you are hurting.

This is definitely giving me more compassion for those who must deal with ongoing chronic pain and/or disability. I think of my sweet husband's grandmother whose whole adult life was spent twisted and crippled with agonizing rheumatoid arthritis. All the family who knew her say she was never one to complain. Her children sometimes heard her crying in her bedroom when she was really suffering. But she never got cranky with them, no matter how badly she felt.

I want to always remember her example. I may not feel great in body right now. But I can choose to focus on all that gives me joy instead of on what hurts.

Sibling Joy

I've been in Idaho just over three months now. Each week it begins to feel more like home.

I love my house, and the new job seems to be a good fit. I enjoy the views of the mountains and have appreciated so much about living here. There are a lot of reasons that coming to Boise has been a blessing. But there is absolutely no question that the greatest blessing of all coming here has been the renewed closeness between by big brother and I.

Rather than being limited to a few 1 or 2 day visits scattered months apart after a four hour drive, we now get to hang out, support one another and appreciate each other's company in completely new ways. I was available to pick him up at the airport after a trip back east. He has been there for me in more ways than I can count. Whether we are helping each other out in practical ways or just getting silly together telling stories and laughing after a shared meal, living this close to my bro has brought a mountain of joy into my life.

Then a couple weeks ago we pulled off an amazing coo. We got ALL of our siblings together for the first time in five years, and the first time ever as adults that did not involve either a wedding or a funeral.

We've all had visits with each other in different combinations over the years. But for one reason or another someone was always missing. Somehow having us ALL together at once again, and this time with no emotionally charged agenda of nuptuals or bereavment allowed us all to relax and enjoy each other in a whole new way. We had a delicious time visiting, reminiscing, sharing some great meals and making music. With two of us living just 7 1/2 miles apart we were able to take turns hosting the tribe and it just worked out well for everybody.

They say your family can really push your buttons because they helped INSTALL your buttons. In years past, being around my sibs at times has been a trigger for some pretty conflicted emotions for me. Old jealousies or memories of past slights would raise their ugly heads. But not this visit. We all genuinely enjoyed each other and savored just the right mix of "remember when" and catching up on each others very grown up lives. It was fabulous.

I don't know how much Idaho will continue to be the gathering place for our clan...it may be that we'll arrange other visits to give equal time to the homes of our other sibs. That's fine by me. But for this first precedent setting get together I think it took the critical mass of having at least two of us in one spot to break through our years long inertia of being too caught up in our work-a-day lives to set our sibling relationships as a priority.

I don't expect we'll suddenly start having frequent contact. Beyond the geographic separation of my other sibs (Colorado, New Mexico and California) they each have demanding jobs, families and other things that keep us going in separate directions.

But being here in Boise has definitely taught me what a blessing it can be to build a grown up friendship with my sib here. So I can't help but hope that it will not be another five years till the rest of us all get together again. There is something so sacred about the relationship with brothers and sisters. We're all pretty different. If we just met each other in a social gathering who knows if we'd even necessarily like each other? But because of our shared history and mutual willingness to extend ourselves for each other despite our differences, all of us have been very richly blessed.

Can You Play "Name That Plant"??

IT'S OURS!

After much looking, debating and considering we finally found a house that met all the criteria we had hoped for that was within our budget. There are a few things I wish were different, but all in all, I'm really pleased with our choice.

The house is your basic late '70's 3 bedroom / 2 bath ranch. It's all on one floor so it is something we can comfortably grow old in. At just under 1800 sq feet it is way smaller than what I am used to, but has plenty of space to meet our needs.

The part that makes my heart sing is the yard:





It is truly sacred space that makes my spirit just feel absolutely at peace.
(We'll see if I'm still saying that after long days weeding and trimming all summer, and raking LOTS of leaves in the fall!) Yeah, it's going to take some care. But that's what I WANT. I spend way too much time inside staring at a computer screen. Dirt therapy is what makes me feel balanced, alive, whole. I LIKE working in the yard. This is a yard to really savor.

So one of my first orders of business is to get acquainted with everything...learn what is planted where and familiarize myself with what sort of care the various plants will need.

Some are things I've had in my other yards so I know them well: Bleeding Heart, Columbine, hostas, Allium, Blue Fescue, Ferns, Rhubarb, Periwinkle and lots more.












































But there are also LOTS of plants I'm really not sure what are. In the coming days I'll be out in my yard with various garden books trying to identify them. For those I can't figure out, I'll post pictures and see if YOU know what they are!

I have much to do to get all our stuff moved here from Oregon and then get it sorted out and figure out where things go. Getting settled into a new place always takes a while. But anytime I get overwhelmed with the boxes, or anything else for that matter, you will know where you can find me. I'll be out in the backyard.

Idaho Days

Tomorrow my husband and I will sign papers for the loan on the house we will be buying in Boise. I am in awe of how well things seem to be working out since my move here to Idaho just a few weeks ago.

I'm starting to get a handle on the new job. The first two weeks were filled with angst as I struggled with the learning curve of totally unfamiliar tasks in a totally unfamiliar system. But somehow, magically, in week three it all just clicked and I seemed to find my rhythm.

There were many tears shed when I first parted from my dear husband and I wasn't sure how either one of us would handle living apart for the months it would be before he could join me here. But between weekend visits and talking on cell phone every night and morning, we've managed to stay close.

Now the key piece is falling into place best of all - we found just the right house in a great neighborhood. We like our new ward (church congregation). I'm learning my way around. There have been a few bumps here and there, but for the most part, it has been smoother than I would have ever anticipated.

After MONTHS of worry and struggle and wondering what was going to become of us, it seems we have landed in a very happy space.

I have no doubt there will be new struggles and adversities to face around the corner. After all, that's what life brings. But for right now I feel like I'm living happily ever after. For today, it feels really, really good to be a spud.

Pins & Needles..

I've been up most the night not able to sleep. My nerves are all a jangle with anticipation about whether or not I'll get the job....

However, as skittish as I may be at present, I've been learning a whole lot from this whole process. As much as I want this move north, I honestly believe I'm ready to fully accept the outcome no matter what it is. If I do not get hired I will of course be disappointed. I have so many reasons why a move to Alaska just now would be a lovely fit. But ya know what? I am finding myself very aware these days of how richly blessed I am.

I am healthy.
I have a great marriage.
I have a strong spiritual life.
I have some great friends.
I have a great dog.
I live in a place with lots of freedom.
I have a supportive family.

The list goes on and on.

So if I DON'T get to move of to the Land of Bears & Moose, it really will be ok.
But if I DO....oh holy cow, what an adventure that would be.

Glass Alphabet Soup

It's intriguing the way different aspects of our lives can come togther in a confluence of a new idea. I was cruising some blogs yesterday after having spent time in the glass studio. One of the ones I read was "Seeds from my Garden" by Morning Glory... she is the one who does the Alphabet Soup, challenging her readers to make a different list of things they are grateful for each week based on a letter of the alphabet. (I've done this a few times but not consistently... I may choose to play catch up later with the letters I missed.)

Anyway, I had been thinking about glasswork all morning. Then in the evening I was thinking about alphabet soup. Those two things tumbled together in my mind to come up with this: I want to make decorative stained glass boxes that will hold 26 3 x 5 index cards that will each have a letter written on them. I will give these little boxes as gifts with the instructions that the receiver write blessings they are grateful for on each index card based on that letter. Then they will have their very own personalized box of blessings to set somewhere. Any time they have a sucky day they can pull out the pretty box and remind themselves of how much good they truly do have in their lives.

What I like about this is that by basing the choice of blessings to identify on letters of the alphabet it forces me to look beyond the normal list I can rattle off of things I KNOW I am grateful for. While it is all well and good to appreciate my family and my home, my freedom and my faith it is only through doing alphabet soup that I give much thought to being grateful for appropriate medical care (X-rays) or the beauty of the universe (Zenith) or the stillness of a new morning (quiet) or a glass of cold lemonade on a hot summer day (quench).

I'm definitely going to have my own specially made box just for this purpose. I'll start working on it right away. I have some awesome opaque blue glass and bits of mirror that I will weave together with some rose and some lavender and some green. I will make one of the sides in a pattern like a patchwork quilt. I like the idea of having a tangible place to count my blessings as a reminder of all the positives. "When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed..."

I've decided I will move my alphabet soup posts over to my other blog - Life by Design. They feel more appropriate for that venue. So for this final posting on the topic here I will just make a list of all the letters of the alphabet, and then as each posting is created over there I will come back and make a hot link to the appropriate letter. That way I can get to them easily from THIS spot, but I'll have them all gathered where I think they belong.

Aa Bb Cc Dd Ee Ff Gg Hh Ii Jj Kk Ll Mn Nn Oo Pp Qq Rr Ss Tt Uu Vv W w Xx Yy Zz

Alphabet Soup - LETTER F

Blessings I am thankful for that begin with the letter F....

1. Family - they make me laugh, they make me cry, they break my heart and sometimes break the bank. But my relationships to them define me more than any other single aspect of my life.

2. Friends - as I explained to my daughter-in-law today in our long heart to heart, even the very BEST marriage or parent or sibling relationship cannot possibly meet all your needs. It is good to be devoted to family, but it is essential to nurture strong friendships. I've got some great ones who have sheltered me through some emotional storms, celebrated with me when things went right, and just plain UNDERSTOOD me in a way my family never could. I treasure my pals - both those I've gathered in the "real" world and those I've come to love in cyberspace.

3. Fun - My older son was telling me about some MSU sports website he reads a lot. The people who submit postings to it each have some sort of deeply meaningful quote associated with their signature - many of which are from famous coaches or successful athletes. Most of these quotes have to do with meaning-of-life / overcoming adversity / importance of never giving up sorts of things. However, there is one particular guy who posts every now and then who has as his signature quote "I like fun." - 4 year old nephew. Oh YEAH! I can be such a driven crazy work-a-holic at times. It's ever so important that every so often I remember to stop and let myself just plain have some FUN.

4. Food - Tonight we had barbecue ribs, baked beans, corn on the cob and watermelon for dinner. It was EVER so yummy. I used to manage a food bank and I've traveled to parts of the world where people going hungry was not at all unusual. I am very mindful of the fact that it is a rich blessing indeed that I live in the circumstances I do that I have an abundance of wholesome, delicious foods available to me. Because having full cupboards is such a common occurrence in my world, it would be SOOO easy to take that blessing for granted. But I recognize that this is a gift and so I say THANK YOU to the farmers, the fields and the critters that keep me well nourished.

5. Fiction - I just finished up my summer term of online sociology classes and the face-2-face class I was teaching in Academic Planning. That means I have a pocket of time to kick back and enjoy reading more of what I WANT to read rather than being stuffed with grading papers. I got to spend some time curled up with a good book this afternoon and it was delightful. I love my books!

So that's my list of F blessings for the week. There are plenty of others I could have included - from faith to frozen yogurt. What are yours?

Thanks again to Morning Glory for getting me on track with this.

I look forward to this weekly chance of naming by blessings along the rainbow of the alphabet. At some point I may go back and pick up those first few letters I missed before I began. But for now, I'm happy for the letter F!

Alphabet Soup

Now here is a concept I hadn't really thought of since back in the days when my boys (now in their 30's) were avid Sesame Street watchers: It's time to name some blessings brought to you by the Letter E .

What things make my life sparkle that being with E?

1. EARLY morning. There is just something magical about that time of day when the sun isn't quite up but you can feel the night transitioning away... the birds start to sing and the horizon grows murky light. Little by little the eastern sky begins to glow in shades of crimson and magenta. The whole world just feels full of possibility. I love being out in my flowerbeds at that time of day.

2. EMPLOYMENT - Although at times I grouse about my job, I am deeply grateful to have secure employment. I know far too many people who struggle to make ends meet. I not only have a comfortable income, I also have excellent health benefits and four weeks each year of paid vacation on top of 10 holidays and 3 personal days. That's nothing to sniff at. I know it will end in a year when my grant runs out. I just pray that whatever my next job will be can share a portion of these same blessings.

3. ECHINACEA - great for colds and lovely in my flower garden

4. ELECTRICITY - from my toothbrush to my computer to my rechargable GPSr, having all that power available at the flip of a switch is a delight indeed. Lately I'm really trying to be more responsible with this resource, turning off lights whenever I leave a room and powering down my printer at the end of each day. I am mindful of how we energy glutton Americans are impacting this planet. Still, I count it as one of my blessings and give homage to all the things in my house that plug in!

5. ELBOWS - ok, I'm stretching now, but arms would be far less useful without these nifty hinges in the middle of 'em, ya know?


So what blessings do you have in YOUR life that begin with the letter E??

Thanks to Morning Glory for prompting this moment of grateful silliness.