Change in Directions

Over the past few years I have made 25 loans through the micro-credit program KIVA.
I am a strong supporter of the concept of micro-credit and I have felt good about knowing that I could reach out to help people in various parts of the world. I've assisted in the purchase of lots of pigs and sheep and cows. I've helps stock stores, buy building materials and repair broken down vehicles. Every time the money was repaid I'd loan it out again to some new borrower, allowing the same few dollars I had invested in the beginning to touch more and more lives.

And now I'm done.

I have nothing against Kiva. They have not offended me. I'm just done.

Here's why... I absolutely believe it makes sense to help people in other parts of the world. But I also believe it is important to help people right here where I live. I have found an organization that will do that. It operates on the same principles as Kiva - giving small micro loans to individuals who are trying to improve their lives and working with them to see that the follow through. Here. In Idaho.

I've met the gentleman who runs the program and have confidence in his integrity in managing the program well. So, as my outstanding loans through kiva get paid back I am pulling my money out and diverting it to META.

I will still give to some charities I believe in that have activities throughout the world. But for micro credit activities, I feel good about directing my funds closer to home. This is a good organization. I'm excited to support them!

I love my Kindle Fire!!!!

Anyone who knows me well at all knows that I am an avid reader. I read LOTS of fiction and a fair amount of non fiction. I read for learning, for entertainment, for distraction, for comfort, for inspiration. Since I was a child, reading a good book has been among my dearest pursuits.

As an anniversary gift my sweet husband bought me a Kindle Fire. It's absolutely delicious to be able to carry around 100 different books in my jacket pocket. As I have indicated in an earlier post, my tastes are rather eclectic so I tend to be somewhat fickle in going between various genres. With all these different books (and a few magazines) collected on my Fire I an find something yummy to suit any mood.

There are hundreds of books that are available for download for free or very low cost. Many of them are drivel. Some, however, are quite good.

I've recently download several collections - complete works by classic authors: Mark Twain, Jane Austen, Charles Dickens, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, HG Wells, and unbelievably - the whole collection from The Bronte Family (YES - all of them: Charlotte, Ann, Emily and Patrick). My brain has had enough of formula murder mysteries. I'm ready to dig deep into some of these time honored classic tales. Some I will be re-reading for the 3rd or 5th time since childhood. Some I will be discovering for the first time.

I know spring will come soon and then I'll have lots of yard work to get busy with. There is laundry to do and dinner to make. I do have a job - two of them actually. So I won't be able to just get lost in my books nearly as much as I would like. But all the more reason to choose carefully which sort of books I spend my limited discretionary time on.

Just as I think it makes sense to take care in what sort of people I choose to surround myself with in my social world, I want to be more judicious about my reading life in the coming months. I've recently finished one or two books that I wish I could delete from my brain. They convinced me it was time for a change.

So one of my goals for the coming year is to read a dozen or more classic stories and discuss them well with other people who care about serious literature.

For starters will be Persuasions by Jane Austen. (Click here for chapter summaries)My sweet blogger friend, Mimi, over on Bigger than a Breadbox is hosting a discussion of the book. I'm excited to join in!

What have you read lately??

Choose Ye This Day....

I've been thinking a lot lately about how quickly things can change in our lives. I've been reminded about the power and importance of individual choice in what we will notice and what we will focus on among all the many things occurring all around us. I've always said that each person's attitude was up to the person's choice more than a result of what happened to them. Here lately I've had some opportunities to really test how far I believed that to be true.

2011 was a great year for me. SO many blessing came my way. November and December in particular were a giddy blur of peak experiences. I had found my new job which was a great fit after a long period of struggle in a difficult work environment. I celebrated my 30th anniversary with the man I love, and truly felt bowled over by the depth of the kindness and intimacy we have developed over the years. I had several key spiritual experiences that strengthened me in ways so sacred I hold them close to my heart. In nearly every area of my life, I had so much bliss it was astonishing. This was way beyond happy. I felt a rich sense of purpose and meaning in my life far beyond any I had known before.

Then the new year came and much of that seemed to flip. My job is still great. My man is still my hero. My testimony still is strong and sustaining. But it would have been easy to lose site of all that in the face of some dark things that at times seemed to overshadow everything else.

January was a tough month at our house. It was a time of funerals and condolences. We lost six different people we were close to. Most were folks who lived in other states, but who had been an important part of our lives over the years. Two were from our current congregation - bookending life with one being way too young (just 15) and the other having known many years. While the circumstances around each of these deaths was different - cancer, old age, accident, suicide, heart disease - in every single one of these cases we were reminded of the uncertainties of life and why it really does matter to say what needs said to the people we love NOW rather than waiting for just the right time. You just never know when a conversation will be your last.

Then right along side all those griefs, came the health challenges. My sweet husband had been having lots of problems with his right shoulder - pain and loss of mobility. It turned out he had a torn rotator cuff that needed surgery. What was supposed to be a very straightforward operation got more complicated when they found the damage to his shoulder was far more extensive than the ultra-sound had indicated. It was not just torn. His ligament was completely unattached from the bone. So instead of a simple arthroscopic repair the surgeon had to cut through the muscle which will require a much longer and more painful recovery time.

For several days after the operation it was quite a struggle for him to deal with the pain and nausea. There were two days in particular that were hell on toast. We were both feeling pretty bleak. Even after the worst of that passed, the frustration for both my beloved and me was pretty high as we coped with him not being able to bathe or dress himself without help. He couldn't get good sleep and was just never very comfortable.

Finally the staples came out and the sling came off so now he is feeling a lot better. Best of all is that he can drive again, so he won't feel so trapped being home unable to get anywhere. Still, it will be several months and much difficult physical therapy before he will have full use of his arm again.

Add to this mix that one of our grown up kids was having some major struggles. I won't go into the details here as that is his private business - but suffice it to say that we spent more than a few sleepless nights of worry about the problems that our boy was having to cope with. Our kids are all adults and as such we hope that they will be able to manage whatever challenges they come up against in their lives. But in my heart my boys will always be my babies, no matter how grown up they are, so it HURTS when I see them having an especially hard time.


Put all of this together and what it adds up to is that the start of 2012 has been a season of coping with adversity in one fashion or another.

It has given me a chance to reflect on how I look at life when things are shining and how I look at things when dark clouds come calling. There were times during the happy days when I reveled in peak experiences and knew absolutely how very well blessed I was. There were also, I'm sorry to say, times when all was good that I pretty much took it for granted and just got caught up without noticing or giving thanks for how sweet it all was. Similarly, there have been times during our recent difficulties and sorrows that I have REMAINED grateful for the tender mercies that abound, even in the face of hardships, times when I've felt genuine joy despite some terribly painful things crashing all around us. And there have been times when I've crumbled in a heap of overwhelm and hurting when all I could see were the losses, the pain, the distance between current reality and what I would wish for instead.

Because the contrast in our circumstances have been so absolute in a very short period of time it has been a pretty dramatic lesson -

Happiness, contentment and joy are certainly easier to find when experiencing pleasant and supportive events or environment. But good weather, good food, solid tires, and fine health will not in and of themselves make me feel like all is right with the world. I've known plenty of people who focus on whatever is not immediately perfect no matter how many blessings they have.

And in the same fashion, grief, loss, hard times will not by themselves make me be miserable. It is certainly more of a challenge to keep my optimistic outlook when everything I care about seems to be crashing down around me. But it is not impossible. I have truly known some moments of sweet peace and joy during some of these darkest days.

Life is a complicated mix of good and bad, painful and pleasant. Through it all I decide which I will focus on .....what I have to be grateful for or what I have to sorrow about. I pick. I hope I can choose well.

What I'm reading - 2012

I've been doing some eclectic reading of late - all different genres, all different formats. Here are the books I have been perusing of late:

Right now I am at different points in EACH of the following--

All the Women of the Bible by Edith Deen (hardcover - copyright 1955)

The Great Disruption: Why the Climate Crisis Will Bring on the End of Shopping and the Birth of a New Word by Paul Gilding (Hardcover - copyright 2011)

I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better: Six Practical Principles That Empower Others to Solve Their Own Problems While Enriching Your Relationship by Gary & Joy Lundberg (softcover - copyright 1995)


Extraordinary, Ordinary People by Condoleezza Rice (Kindle - copyright 2010)


The Crystal Bridge by Charles M. Pulsipher (Kindle - copyright 2011)

Autobiography of Parley P. Pratt edited by his son, Parley P. Pratt (Kindle - copyright 1938)

Unleash the Power Within by Anthony Robbins (Audio - copyright 2005)

One Simple Act: Discovering the Power of Generosity by Debbie Macomber (Audio - copyright 2009)

It's sort of interesting simultaneously reading/listening to all these different things. I have Tony Robbins in my car to listen to on my way to and from work. I have the Macomber book in the CD player in my kitchen and listen to that when I'm doing domestic stuff.

The Great Disruption is in the bathroom (by the way - did you know there has been very detailed research about who does or does not read in the john?).

I usually read the Women of the Bible book for a bit in the morning when it's quiet and I have yet to enter the fray of whatever the day will have in store.

I read Crystal Bridge at night before turning out the lights.

The Lundberg book on Not having to make everything better is something I'm reading as one of several sources for a class I'm going to be teaching on Marriage and Family Relations so I tend to read it in my office when I'm in school mode.

Both the Parley Pratt autobiography and the memoir by Condaleezza Rice are ones I pick up now and again to read a little bit of whenever to mood strikes me. I seldom read either one for very long - but I've enjoyed sampling them both.

I'm getting increasingly intrigued by the sci-fi/fantasy book, Crystal Bridge

Each one of these books has their place for me.

What are you reading these days?

Let's Write - Mastermind Group

Today I attended my first "Mastermind group". Mastermind Groups can bring together people with any shared interest to support / challenge / provide feedback and expertise for one another. This particular group focuses on writing - the invitation was for "those who love to write, want to write or want to hang with people with the passion for writing." I like and respect the person who invited me and I had a flexible calendar this morning, so I decided to go. It was actually pretty interesting. There was a guest speaker from Borderline Publishing coming to share information with the group. From that I learned about some tips and tools I was previously unfamiliar with. Beyond that, I got to meet some interesting people and sparked some good reflection for me about my own process of writing and what it means to me.

I do not write fiction. Never have. But I do love to write. Publishing has not been my primary priority. I've dabbled in it a bit. I've had three articles published. First came The Tapestry Called Family in Ensign Magazine back in June of 1990. Next I had a piece called "Giving Sorrow Voice" published in Thantology, a journal about the academic study of death and dying. (I was teaching a course on Death and Dying at a community college in Michigan at the time.) Most recently (June 2011) I had article appear Slate, a publication of the Idaho School Boards Association. (My name appears as second author on that one since the politics of universities put bosses names first - but I know who wrote what.) That one summarizes a literature review on the link between mental illness and suicide.

Between those few rare appearances in print, I've written a lot of other work for other purposes. In a single day this past week I wrote a section of a grant application, a heart felt email, a lecture for my sociology class, and an outline for a Sunday School lesson. Each one called on different elements of my mind and spirit, tapping in to my intellect and creativity in a way that just talking about things never does. It's interesting that writing is given less legitimacy by most if it is not for pay and especially if it's not for a wide audience.

Yet those who write with passion (whether or not it involves any great skill) know something about the magic of the process and how it satisfies a part of us like nothing else ever can or will.

I have a work obligation on the day this Mastermind group will be meeting in February, so I'll miss that meeting. But I do plan to go back when I can. It felt good to be around the energy of men and women who put deliberate effort in to finding their voice, weaving their truths, even when it is clothed in the guise of created characters and plot lines. I also appreciated being in a group of folks who are stretching themselves to intentionally develop their talents, holding each other accountable to keep at it rather than falling into the pit of silently hoping for someday.

Writing matters. I don't have to have the ability or the dedication of a Pulitzer prize winner to acknowledge that. I don't know where this new association will take me, but it's a door I'm glad to have found and made the effort to walk through.

All packed up

Today we took down all the Christmas lights, undecorated the tree and packed away all the STUFF. I now have a mighty mountain of brightly colored plastic tubs waiting to be carted up to the attic where they will hide until next year.

I'll sorta miss the sparkle and pretties, but I'm ready to get my house organized again.

I'm especially excited that I can actually see my office floor again. For the past two months it has been covered with boxes and piles of old photographs while I have been caught up in the great scanning project. Phase I of that is wrapped up and done now. I delivered CD's with over 400 photos of various family members to my mother's cousin's for the holidays AND gave them a whole suitcase full of original photographs. Next I need to finish up scanning the pics of my sibs so I can return the ones that are on loan and get the flash drives distributed to my immediate family.

As I have time in the next couple weeks my plan is to go through every closet and drawer in the house to get things ship-shape all tidy and organized. I got one bathroom done today - tomorrow after work I'll do the other and tackle the laundry room and linen closet. Then once the whole house is done comes the BIG job - the garage. Oh my. During the holidays when we had all the boxes down it got more than a little out of hand. But I'm ready to wrestle it back into submission. It feel good to get things back in order.

Happy 2012

I've been reflecting a lot on what it means to me to be starting a brand new year.
In some ways I think of it as utterly arbitrary - one minute it was 2011 and then the ball drops and we call it 2012, a silly human convention for cutting up the flow of time into component chunks to suit us.

Still, it's how we do things - so for what it's worth, I've been thinking about how I will approach this new year. I'm not making any long list of resolutions. Truth be told, most of those I've made in years past were forfeit by Valentine's day, if not sooner. However, while I am not setting specific goals, I AM striving to begin this new year with a bit more mindfulness.I am going to focus on EVERY day asking myself 2 questions -1) what can I do today to bring more health, joy, faith and abundance to myself and others? 2) What can I STOP doing today in order to bring more health, joy, faith and abundance to myself and others? I want to be as mindful as I can on a daily basis with out shoulding on myself.

I loved 2011. I'll admit to being a bit apprehensive of the year to come. But come what may - triumphs or challenges, I will do my best to approach it with gratitude.

My best December EVER

I have not posted over the past month because I have been so busy LIVING my life rather than writing about it. I had a phenomenal Christmas season, and have savored this December through and through. For me, that is nothing short of amazing.

Traditionally I have gone into a funk in December. Some years it has been a "partly cloudy" sort of angst. Other years it has been dancing with the devil of pretty significant depression. Suffice it to say that December has been my most bleak month of the year for the past 20 years or so. Part of that has been because I have long associated the Christmas season with death and funerals. Part of has been missing my kids who live half a country away, which somehow has felt more poignant during the holidays. Part has to do with other things...

But NONE of it got me down this year.

I can honestly say that 2011 has been a pretty spectacular year for me, a season in my life when I've felt more contentment and bliss than ever before. Then, as icing on the cake, December has been my best month of this very good year.

Here are a few of the highlights:

I started a new job in October. The first several weeks were filled with the expected anxiety of learning curve. But by December I began to find my stride and found I REALLY like my new position. I have been astonished at what a good fit it is for me. FINALLY I have a job that seems just the right amount of responsibility and challenge that keeps me on my toes without overwhelming me. I get to work with some very cool people and I while I still have a long way to go to achieve mastery in my new role, I am genuinely enjoying the process.

My beloved turned 66 on Dec 1. We celebrated on Sanibel Island in Florida. We had an amazing time connecting with each other in a beautiful place. Being married for 30 years to this guy has been quite a privilege. The week of our anniversary and his birthday was a romantic whirlwind that left me giddy.

My spirituality has been in a very sweet space for the past while. I've long had a strong faith system and have been active in the practices of my church. Still, sometimes I have felt less closeness with my creator. Over the past year as I've dug deeper into gratitude and truly savored my blessings (which have been many) I've been able to notice tender mercies all around me on a more steady basis.

Throughout the month of December we did a variety of festive things...Dec 9 - Live Nativity with my brother and sister-in-law, Dec 10 - A Christmas Carol at Nampa Civic Music Theatre with some dear friends, Dec 18 - Boise LDS Institute choir Christmas program - BEAUTIFUL! There was a church breakfast we took neighbors to and a work party that was more fun than I had expected. We went caroling with a group from our congregation, mailed out (and received) lots of cards and made Christmas cookies for neighbors and friends.

But best of all, we went to Arizona for Christmas. We had the most amazing time there, I am still grinning so much my face hurts. We had wonderful visits with family. There were several very special things we got to do. It was just the right mix of quiet down time and revelry. It really was a magical way to close out the year.

Tomorrow night we will go to some friends to ring in 2012. We'll nosh on some yummies, play some games, and enjoy being silly with people we like.

When 2010 ended I was more than ready to kick the year to the curb. It had done me few favors. But I'll be a bit sad to see this one go. Indeed 2011 has been a delightful year for me. I hope I will always savor the memory of it. I've had multiple peak periods of bliss. I've had so much to be grateful for.

30 Years

Thirty years ago today I married my best friend. I am stunned at how blessed we have been in this relationship. I feel so honored to have had the opportunity to share these three decades with this man. He makes me laugh. He has incredible integrity. He has a phenomenal work ethic and did an amazing job of supporting two families for many years. Now that he is retired he continues to be a phenomenal father and husband. He is a huge support to me in more ways than I can count. Yes, I love him deeply. Beyond that, I genuinely LIKE this guy. We are not just hanging out together. We are truly a team and both of us are better people because of the union we share. My life has been surrounded by so much trust, kindness and possibility because of him. In good times and dark times, we both lift each other up. Happy anniversary my beloved. May we have many, many more years to come.