Hope & Disappointment

After learning I did not get the job I was really hoping I would be hired for, I've been giving a lot of thought to the relationship between hope and disappointment.

Every broken dream that causes me to cry is a direct result of having reached for a place, a person, a thing, or set of circumstances I want to draw into my life. When what I long for doesn't happen, how badly I feel about it seems to be in direct proportion to how much I had hoped. In my mind, the definition of pain is the distance between what IS and what I hope for. Little distance = little pain. Big distance = devastated, bleeding, bruised and battered heart whimpering in a ball on the floor. (Well, figuratively anyway.) What it comes down to, for me, is this: if I could stop HOPING for certain outcomes then I would never be disappointed.

Recently I allowed my hopes to go flying sky high.
Today, my disappointment has my heart crawling lower than a snake's belly.

So was all that hope a mistake?

I don't think so.

I prefer to hold on to the words of Martin Luther King who said: "We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope."

It is an inevitable part of living in this fallen mortal world that we will all experience some shattered dreams and big disappointments. How we choose to respond to those events will shape how we experience our lives.

Sometimes it may seem a bit masochistic or misguided to keep flinging my heart skyward with hope, giving room for deep longing for certain outcomes to happen. More than one person has recently advised me I'd be better off to practice more "acceptance" and appreciation of whatever actually comes into my life instead of forever chasing passionately after different paths. I know that advice is well intended. But it's not for me. I am determined to keep hope alive.

I am a dreamer at my core. I like being optimistic as I reach for different possibilities. It's not without a price. But it is a price I'm willing to pay. A lot of the things I reach for never come to pass. Some of those missed dreams cause me to shrug my shoulders and say "oh well!". Others have sent me huddled into fetal position wailing for days. But I will accept that risk. I would rather have a life of scars from the crashes than play it safe by never striving. I will take the heartbreak. Because I choose to continue to reach for the stars.

Silly girl.

Bloom Where You Are Planted

For the past two or three months I've been applying for jobs like crazy with the goal to relocate closer to family. It's not that I don't like my current job. Actually, in a lot of ways it's a pretty good fit, even though it can be frustrating at times. (As all jobs are.) However, ever since we sold our house in January I've been anxious to get settled into a new place where I could put down roots and call it HOME.

Initially we were determined to return to my native state of Arizona. My beloved has three grown sons who live there (Mesa, Casa Grande and Maricopa) and I have a whole collection of friends and extended family who I would love to be able to see more regularly.

I applied for at least a dozen jobs, several which sounded PERFECT for my skill sets. None of them ever expressed even a nibble of interest.

So, finally, reluctantly, I gave up on the dream of AZ, accepting the fact that in our current economy it just isn't likely that I'm going to snag a job down there when there are literally THOUSANDS of people looking for work.

Next I set my sights on Idaho. Both my husband and I have siblings there. I also have a cousin and he has a niece and a nephew. We like the Boise area, and felt like that would be a good spot for us to end up. Again I threw my name out there for a few different job. Again nothing.

Then yesterday I got yet another "We don't pick you" letter for a job in Tri-Cities that I was SURE I would at least get an interview for. (That one did not have family, but was for a full time teaching job I had thought I had a shot at.)

So I'm letting of some dreams, accepting these are things I just don't get, at least not now. My days of working for a college may indeed be over. My chance to live close to my kin seems to have slipped through my grasp.

My emotions have tumbled all over the place about that.

On the positive side, my husband has a good job here with great benefits that we would not be able to replace if we moved. One of the perks of that job is the opportunity to live out here on the farm where we moved this past July. The down side of renting this old farmhouse is that it's not ours, so we can't do some of the things we would like. But the upside is that we get to live in a place so full of peace and beauty it really does make up for a lot. I do worry about where we will go once he retires, when we will no longer be able to stay here. But we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

I really, REALLY like the congregation we are currently attending. We have developed friendships we care about. With the exception of this past winter which was just plain awful, we generally like the climate here.

There is much to be grateful for in our current circumstances. Still, this is NOT where either one of us ever wanted to land long term. This was supposed to be our transitional place for a short time while we made other plans. Now it's seeming more like that "temporary" transition is shifting to be something way different.

I come and go with being ok with that. I am truly grateful for the blessings I do have here. Still... I had so hoped to be able to begin our next chapter, to find a place of our choosing to settle in strong so we could be well established as we approach our old age.

I'm trying to wrap my mind around accepting that THIS s where I live and probably will be for years to come. In the words of John Lennon, life is what happens to you while making other plans. I'm trying to be more focused on where I AM instead of where I wanted to be. I am determined to bloom where I'm planted, even if it's not the pot I would prefer.

I'm trying to shift from disappointment to acceptance. I'm trying to put more energy into recognizing the good that I do have here, and less focus on the sting of what I wished for but did not get. It will come. I will bloom where I am planted. I'm determined to. But getting there will not be without some bumps.

Back to the drawing board

Today the HR officer made the job offer I had been waiting for. It was substantially lower than I had hoped. In fact, it was less than I made at my previous job with is several thousand less than I currently earn. So I would have to take a pay cut right out of the starting gate and then add on the cost of commute.
It just doesn't add up.

I want the job. I believe I am a very good fit. I believe I could bring a lot to the position. But I don't feel I can take what they offered, and they appeared totally unwilling to negociate. They will re-open the position and start all over in the search and I will start all over in looking for my right job.

Big sigh. You know what they say, life is what happens while you are making other plans.

I guess I'm glad they picked me. The team I would be working with all seemed so eager to have me join them. I'm disappointed. But I remain convinced that things will work out and that I'll land on my feet.