Powerful Read

I'm about two thirds of the way through the novel "The Wedding" by Nicholas Sparks. This has been an AMAZING book for me to read in this season of my life.

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The tale is of a husband who forgets his 29th anniversary. The hurt and disappointment he sees in his wife over that error brings to head the fact that they are very much leading parallel lives. They do not fight, do not scream, do not accuse, do not throw plates. But neither do they laugh together or tenderly caress. He is caught up with his career as an attorney - working long hours and expending nearly all his focus and energy at the office. She has spent the bulk of her whole married life consumed with raising their children, managing the household, arranging their social lives. But now the kids are grown and gone and she seems...at least by his perception (which is the only point of view we have to go by) somewhat adrift in her own life.

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He senses a sadness, a loneliness in his wife. So Wilson goes about the next year trying to win back the love of his wife he fears he has nearly lost by sheer neglect. The passages that describe the passion, longing, tenderness our protagonist feels for his wife despite the fact that he's never been comfortable talking about or showing his emotions are a sheer revelation.

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I've written before about the extent to which I positively adore the man I married. Truly, I treasure, savor and relish the bond that is ours.Yet with each page I turn of this novel, I am reminded how easy it is to fall into the trap of a comfortable co-existence, being nice to each other, but not really putting forth the effort to lay the kindling of small gestures that can catch fire to true intimacy. Like Wilson in this story, my husband is a quiet man who is not one to speak of matters of the heart easily. So sometimes I don't give him credit for things he may well feel simply because I don't see or hear them readily. Yet I also have much in common with the story's protagonist. I have a very busy life, too often allowing myself to get caught up in my work, giving the majority of my spunk and vigor at the office with little left in reserve when I get home. Also, because after my day job I still have work to do online for the two classes I teach, there have been too many evenings of late where as soon as the supper dishes are cleared I'm sequestered off to my home office upstairs until one or two in the morning - not even noticing when my husband goes to bed. That pattern clearly needs to change.

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My beloved and I are no where near the stage of estrangement that Wilson and his wife were experiencing at the start of this book. But that does not mean there are not important lessons for me here.

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I have been drinking in deeply the message of the book of how important it is for long married couples to continue to court one another. I've been thinking long and soulfully about the things I might do better to help communicate to my beloved in a way he can relate to well how much I truly cherish him. So, like Wilson Calhoun, I am working on a deliberate campaign to woo my spouse. I do not want to fall into the trap of taking for granted this amazing human being I'm wed to. As we move through the 26th year of our marriage I want to remind him of all the reasons why I chose him, why I'm glad he picked me, and why I'd marry him all over again.

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In the Sociology of the Family course I teach online we discuss much about the factors that influence strong bonds in a relationship and the things that rip couples and families apart. In my lectures I talk about how loving ties with another are much like a garden - they require frequent tending and upkeep or even the best of beginnings can whither. But just because I've climbed the graduate school mountain and have studied all the grand theories of family systems theory doesn't mean I always remember to put the tried and true best practices into practice in my own home. Sadly, sometimes the cobblers children run around without any shoes.

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I am madly in love with this guy that sleeps in my bed. We're not just hanging out together. We're in it for the long haul, to share of our heart and spirits with deliberate intention to make it just as sweet as it possibly can be. Even so, that won't just happen all by itself because I want it to. If I've learned anything at all after all these years, it is that loving deeply is a CHOICE that involves taking action.

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There is an oft sung children's song in at my church called "I am a Child of God". There is a line in the lyric that was originally written "Teach me all that I must know to live with Him some day." Several years ago the leaders of the church asked that that line in the song be changed to "teach me all that I must DO to live with Him someday." While we are taught that none of us can earn our way into heaven by our puny obedience - for surely it is by the grace and mercy of the Atonement of Christ that any of us are saved - we still acknowledge that we must keep the commandments and LIVE what it is we say we believe. Likewise, no matter what I may know about relationship dynamics and family systems theory, it's what I do that really matters. Feeling love is not enough. Telling someone I love them is not enough. The choices we make each and ever day of how we treat one another are what will determine if we experience that love that we both want so much.

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Loving well is not something that lucky people get and others miss out on. It's something I do when I mindfully overlook small annoyances, when I choose to forgive things that hurt my feelings, when I sacrifice my own interests to do something nice for my partner. But it's not being a martyr or a doormat. To love anybody outside of myself in a significant way I have to be willing to acknowledge and respect my own needs as well. As much as doing kind things for the person I care for does matter, I am convinced true love also involves sticking up for myself and making my own needs clear, setting a standard for how I deserve to be treated--but doing that in such a way they can be honored rather than capitulated to. After all - the people in our lives are not mind readers. While I would like it if my husband could just somehow magically, intuitively KNOW what it is I expect or what it takes for me to feel appreciated, that's not very realistic. So it's important I tell him, and sometimes must to do so more than once, in different ways until he understands.

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Loving means taking the time, going beyond my own comfort zone at times, making a place in my heart for the magic to happen and CHOOSING it over self interest, over outside diversions, over apathy, over all else. Love is a choice.

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This goes way beyond just in marriage or any other romantic relationship. This has relevance to how I treat my siblings, my neighbor, my co-workers, and the little girl down the street who watches my dog whenever we go out of town. Instead of being self absorbed with my list of things to do or worries over my own personal concerns, I want to allow myself to engage more fully in the many different colors of love that I have with different people in my life.

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I've been very blessed in terms of having quite a collection of people who have touched my life in positive ways. They really do mean a lot to me. Yet one of the things I am realizing more and more as I read this story is how easy it is to have deep, significant feelings for another but just do a lousy job of showing it. So in the next few days, weeks, months ahead I hope to do a bit better job at showing not just my husband, but a lot of the people I care about what they mean in my life.

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This book is reminding me that loving my brothers and sisters, my old college buddies, my church family and all others is something I don't just FEEL, but something I need to express.

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I am courting my husband more tenderly these days. But I also want to reach out to some other people in my life to be abundantly clear how much I value them.

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This book is such a tribute to loving well. I heartily recommend it!