People Like Us

In his powerful article, People Like Us, columnist David Brooks argues that despite the lip service Americans give to valuing diversity, in actuality we tend to be most comfortable when surrounded by people whose social characteristics mirror our own. I gave some thought to this as I began planning my weekend.

Last night I went to a play with a prosperous banker and his wife. Tonight I'm going to dinner with a friend who works three jobs to survive, who happens to be married to an immigrant from Mexico who has only a marginal grade school education. They are both honest, hard working folks who I enjoy tremendously. But their lives are very different from my own. Then I have plans to get together next week with some pals who are somewhere in the middle - neither rich nor poor, but again these are people whose choices, lifestyle and beliefs are quite different from mine. But we'll have them over for a game night and have a great time visiting as we munch on chips and veggies while playing scrabble and Tri-Ominoes.

I've had friends who are gay or bi as well as the "traditional" straight. Some of the people I've chosen to hang out with have been deeply religious (some Buddhist, some Orthodox, some adventist, as well as members of my own faith) and some have been practicing pagans or adamant atheists. I've had friends who were black, brown, red, yellow (by social distinction more than actual skin tone.) I've loved democrats and republicans. In fact, I married a man whose vote I cancel out every four years.

Brooks writes: "Some of us watch Fox News, while others listen to NPR. Some like David Letterman, and others—typically in less urban neighborhoods—like Jay Leno. Some go to charismatic churches; some go to mainstream churches. Americans tend more and more often to marry people with education levels similar to their own, and to befriend people with backgrounds similar to their own."

Really? Well, hmmm, I don't know where that leaves me.

It seems I have a very high tolerance for accepting those who are different than me.
I wonder why that is? And I wonder further, why do each of THOSE people choose to include me in their world?

It does seem that many people feel more comfortable associating with people who are more like themselves. So many folks rely on social division of "us" and "them" to guide them in navigating and defining where they fit in the larger world.

Brooks goes on to say: "People want to be around others who are roughly like themselves. That's called community. It probably would be psychologically difficult for most Brown professors to share an office with someone who was pro-life, a member of the National Rifle Association, or an evangelical Christian. It's likely that hiring committees would subtly—even unconsciously—screen out any such people they encountered. Republicans and evangelical Christians have sensed that they are not welcome at places like Brown, so they don't even consider working there. In fact, any registered Republican who contemplates a career in academia these days is both a hero and a fool. So, in a semi-self-selective pattern, brainy people with generally liberal social mores flow to academia, and brainy people with generally conservative mores flow elsewhere."

I think in many cases that is true. Perhaps it is because I've always wrestled with a high degree of personal contradictions, value ambivalence and far ranging interests that I have carved out a different path. In my double-think world of forever looking at issues from three different sides it just makes sense to surround myself with people as ecclectic as my own dissonance-based point of view. Or maybe it's because I've been judged or excluded myself based on arbitrary divisions that makes me all the more determined to not do that to someone else.

Whatever the case... I will continue to seek out people who are willing and able to share of themselves with the likes of me, who can accept me with all my own contradictions, rather than looking for anyone who necessarily looks like or lives like me. It may be an uncomfortable challenge for some, but for me, that's the path that fits.