Friendship, Losses & Transitions

Tonight I got an e-mail from an old friend of mine telling me of her heartache over the loss of someone she held dear. A person she had considered a rather close friend of some long standing has suddenly decided to pull back, giving no explanation other than "I can't do this anymore". My friend has no idea of what "this" referred to or what prompted the rift. She is left feeling a quagmire of loss, abandonment, rejection, and sadness without being able to comprehend why.

Talking her through this shambles of hurt feelings has got me to considering some of my own friendships, and reflecting over losses I've both caused and endured.

I had a best friend for a number of years when I lived in another state that I lost due to some things that happened that broke both our hearts. I tried to fix it. But apparently my efforts were too little too late. She chose to terminate all contact, refusing to return my calls. It has been nearly ten years since the final breach of that relationship. I miss her still.

More recently I have felt some pulling back from a relatively new friendship that I thought was going to be something really special and potentially long lasting. Someone I had started to trust and hoped to spend more time with seems to be backing off quite a bit. As far as I can tell there is no animosity or hurt feelings. It may just be circumstance of things she has going on in her world at this time. But for whatever reason, this person is either not willing or not available to pursue anything more than sporadic, peripheral contact with me right now. I'm not sure why. I really had believed we were on the road to being close buddies. So now I'm left wondering, did I misread the original cues or did something change? I try not to take the increasing distance personally. But of course, a part of my mind can't help but wonder, "Was it something I said? Was there something about me that made her pull away? Did I do something to make it so she no longer wants to share time with me?"

Then I think of a couple other occasions over the past few years when I was the one who pulled back...seeing clearly that some other person wanted very much to get to be my friend but for one reason or another I made the willful, deliberate choice not to carry on beyond a few attempts to get acquainted.

I'm trying to make sense of all of that. What does it mean to be a friend? What does it mean to have a friend?

How much difference from my own lifestyle and values do I like my pals to have? If they are too much like me it can get boring - we have nothing to contribute to one another. But if they are TOO different, that can cause problems too.

How much self revelation do I expect? How much can I give in return? If all I get from someone else is their public persona I may really like being around them...but it keeps the friendship more in the acquaintance category rather than allowing any significant trust and bonding to build. It is the very act of sharing a side of yourself that you DON'T give to just anybody who comes along that creates an intimate bond. If they are not willing to be more open with me in SOME way than they are to the average joe, then I feel less valued. However, the reverse can also be true...some people can share TOO MUCH private information to the point of making contact very uncomfortable. Where do we draw those lines? How much am I willing to adjust or accommodate my own expectations in this regard for someone who is more open or more private than me?

I look back at the friends who have graced my life...those who have stood the test of time are treasures I cherish with more reverence than they know. The few new people who have recently come into my world are shining stars that bring me joy and give me hope, but our histories are yet to be written. How much truth will these budding friendships withstand? There is almost a sense of courtship in the beginning with a new friend, as we each "put our best foot foreword" in our getting acquainted. It's not so much that we act fake or over-nice while getting to know each other. It's more a sense of moving step by step in testing how much of ourselves we are willing to share. Little by little we take risks of revealing more of our genuine, flawed selves and then wait to see if we are accepted still. If they know THIS about me will they still like me? How about if I say or do THIS? It's interesting to watch what things are easy to share and what things stay cloaked the longest time.

I also wonder about those that I was once close with but somehow let slip away just because one or the other of us changed jobs or moved, got married or divorced, or some other thing. Are those past friendships lost now or could they be resurrected? Is it realistic to expect to maintain close ties once the circumstances that formerly held us in each other's paths (like a job, serving together on a particular committee or kids playing on the same team) have ended?

Right now I'm really missing some folks that I've lost touch with in the past year due to these sorts of things...I still like them. They still like me. We just don't see each other anymore so it's hard to keep the torch of friendship alight.

In addition to having some people who I was once quite close with who I have since drifted away from, there are others who really touched me with their support or kindness that I never got to know well, but still appreciated with all my heart. Perhaps we shared a single important conversation or had some other exchange that brightened me, lifted me, when I needed it most. Maybe it was someone I met at a conference or workshop and then never saw again, but never forgot how much I enjoyed. Where do they fit in my bouquet of those I know and those I don't? Just because we don't hang out together now or keep in touch does not minimize the magic of what we did share.

These many different relationships are like the orchestra sound track of my life. There are high notes and low. There are all different instruments...some played better than others. Through it all, learning to love and be loved, to disclose confidences and keep them for others, to build and honor trust...all of that together is the music that makes me most human.

I think its time I reached out to a few folks I have had little or no contact with for a while and let them know how much I have valued them. We may not see each other often (or at all now) due to distance or other things...but good friendships are far to precious to let go by unacknowledged.