Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Searching for Perspective

We had people over for dinner last night for a lovely Christmas Eve feast which was fun. Great meal, lots of good visiting and my beloved got out his guitar to play for us to sing a few Christmas carols. It was nice. Today we are planning on just hanging out and enjoying a mellow day. We'll play scrabble and watch movies and nibble on goodies. Right now my man is enjoying sleeping in with no little kids to get us up at Oh-dark-thirty to open presents. Of course I woke up around 5AM and couldn't get back to sleep...so here I sit.

I got my no thank you letter in the mail yesterday from Grand Rapids Community College. So we will NOT be moving to Michigan.

My emotions have been bouncing some in response to that...

there is disappointment, relief, sadness, anxiety, confusion

Part of me is actually quite glad I don't have to give up my home here and all that is familiar.

Part of me was really counting on this move and feels terrible about the loss.

Part of me is nervous and scared about finding ANY kind of decent job and worried about being at loose ends when my current position ends.

So my feelings have been doing lots of flip flops.

I KNEW it was a long shot when I applied for this position, but the job just seemed so perfect for me. Beyond that, I honestly felt like this was God's way of getting me back close to my family. I have two sons and eight grandkids living in Michigan. I miss them something awful. I was so longing to be able to be there to participate in their lives in a more direct way rather than being the grandma who visits once a year and sends cool care packages.

I try to tell myself that things are unfolding as they are meant to, that there is some other purpose for my staying here.

But then I just get jaded and cynical and believe life is all random and nothing matters anyway.

I have no plan B at this point. Sometime in the next 6 months I need to find a job. Maybe it will be here. Maybe it will be someplace else. I want to trust that something will appear on the horizon when it needs to. But trust is in short supply just now.

So it goes...


Mimi said...

Oh, hon, I'm so sorry. As my mom always says, when a door closes, a window opens. May the light shine through the window for you!

Jen said...

I'm sorry to hear this, I was headed over here hoping you had some good news!

DH was turned down by a very prestigious university in his field when he applied to their doctoral program last year. He didn't even get an interview, despite the fact that he was being actively recruited by several major universities. Later we learned that his app was denied because his chosen research emphasis would be seen as "detracting from" the attention the work of tenured professors there were getting.

But what is really interesting was that the time the process took kept us in one place long enough for a major job opportunity to come along, that will directly facilitate his doctoral research through a less prestigious university. So we don't have to live in an RV and starve while he goes back to school, and his new job allows him to complete his research data collection as a matter of course.

Even though he's not going to his first choice school and he ended up passing up offers at his 2nd & 3rd choice schools to go to this one, I know that where we are now is God's plan for our family.

Hang in there.

Tristi Pinkston said...

We have been at loose ends many times before, and have found that the answer usually comes right before the timer buzzes. There's just something about a dramatic finish, I guess. But I do know that the answers come. I've seen it happen far too many times.

Jaquandor said...

Awww, that stinks. My commiserations, of course, and I suppose this scuttles talk of that camping trip in my neck of the woods next year. Oh well, I'll keep those pies on ice!

Ruth D~ said...

I know how you feel, yet this will no doubt open into something you least expected, but that will be even better. Mark my words.

papa herman said...

i am sorry my friend.

in the meantime i know a couple of kids that will be getting ready, when spring arrives, to go out with their kite flying sensi.

maybe i could start training for the hammer throw at this years caledonian games and you could be my coach.... on second thot, maybe i should make my participation in the games more of a long term plan.

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