We had people over for dinner last night for a lovely Christmas Eve feast which was fun. Great meal, lots of good visiting and my beloved got out his guitar to play for us to sing a few Christmas carols. It was nice. Today we are planning on just hanging out and enjoying a mellow day. We'll play scrabble and watch movies and nibble on goodies. Right now my man is enjoying sleeping in with no little kids to get us up at Oh-dark-thirty to open presents. Of course I woke up around 5AM and couldn't get back to sleep...so here I sit.
I got my no thank you letter in the mail yesterday from Grand Rapids Community College. So we will NOT be moving to Michigan.
My emotions have been bouncing some in response to that...
there is disappointment, relief, sadness, anxiety, confusion
Part of me is actually quite glad I don't have to give up my home here and all that is familiar.
Part of me was really counting on this move and feels terrible about the loss.
Part of me is nervous and scared about finding ANY kind of decent job and worried about being at loose ends when my current position ends.
So my feelings have been doing lots of flip flops.
I KNEW it was a long shot when I applied for this position, but the job just seemed so perfect for me. Beyond that, I honestly felt like this was God's way of getting me back close to my family. I have two sons and eight grandkids living in Michigan. I miss them something awful. I was so longing to be able to be there to participate in their lives in a more direct way rather than being the grandma who visits once a year and sends cool care packages.
I try to tell myself that things are unfolding as they are meant to, that there is some other purpose for my staying here.
But then I just get jaded and cynical and believe life is all random and nothing matters anyway.
I have no plan B at this point. Sometime in the next 6 months I need to find a job. Maybe it will be here. Maybe it will be someplace else. I want to trust that something will appear on the horizon when it needs to. But trust is in short supply just now.
So it goes...