After a wonderfully relaxing, romantic getaway week in Mexico we are now home in the land of ice and snow. So far, re-entry to our regular life has gone fairly well. Our vacation truly did rejuvenate us both, re-establish our commitment to each other in the face of whatever may come, and helped us get focused on what matters most.
So now rather than merely putting one foot in front of the other in frantic survival mode dashing through each day, we are trying to stay mindful of the big picture of what is truly important. We are striving to be more present-oriented, noticing our blessings each moment of every day, focusing on all we have to be grateful for even as we take on the various challenges and responsibilities that loom in our path.
At the same time that we are working hard to stay connected to the NOW, we are also looking ahead to get clear on the life we are creating - so we can more mindfully take steps to move foreward into the direction that seems best. As part of that, we are prayerfully hoping with all our might that I will get the job I have applied for back in Michigan. We are feeling a strong sense that it MAY happen, but it certainly could go either way.
We actually have a pretty cozy life where we are now. We have a nice house. We have some good friends. We enjoy our church congregation and are comfortable in this small, rural community. But our family is all many miles away. It feels very important to us both to get closer to them, and this job would make that possible. The job itself sounds like a very good match for my skills & background. It is a position I think I could be good at and would enjoy. But above all, the lure for me is definitely the fact that it would put me back in the region where my sons and grandchildren live. That, I believe, could be hugely significant.
Instead of being the grandparents who send cool packages and come to visit once a year, we could take an active role in our grandchildren’s lives. We could be there to offer support to our single-parent son who has had some mighty struggles in the past year and also an influence of righteousness to the whole tribe.
So I hope. I pray. I wait to see what happens. Around Dec 18 the college where I have applied is supposed to have sorted through all the initial applications to make the first cut between who they will consider further and who will get an immediate no thank you. Please, please God, let me make it into the to-be-considered pile.
I’ve been dancing in a state of hope and anticipation. I want this really, really bad.
If I don’t get it, I will be disappointed but not devastated. Clearly, I know I can continue to craft a good life for myself right where I am. I have plenty to be grateful for and look forward to living where I do. I don't know what kind of job I would get here next year when my current position ends. But I have trust that when the grant runs out on the job I have now, something suitable would turn up when I needed it to. So if this hoped for job I want so much back in Michigan falls through, I have a soft place to land.
Still….I see in my mind the faces of those children that I so long to love with more direct communication and contact. I think of my boys and the men they have become and how much I would like to be near them to share in their triumphs and struggles. I think of the job that I would be doing and the things it would allow me to accomplish. EVERY SINGLE LINE in the job description is something I have demonstrated strengths in. In one way or another, it seems the past four jobs I have had have been preparing me for this moment. It just FEELS like the right fit for me.
So I am hoping…
Hope is such an interesting thing. On the one hand, I fear hope. It makes me vulnerable to disappointment. If I did not hope, I could never be let down. If I could somehow manage to let go of all expectation, to remain utterly neutral and willing to accept any outcome with equal understanding that the universe is unfolding just the way it should be-- that would shield me from the volatile emotions of anxious anticipation and potential sorrow when things don’t pan out the way that I want. Yet on the other hand, I embrace hope. Hope gives me the vision of what is possible and leads me to reach further, strive harder, believe stronger rather than merely sit back and take whatever may come like one big life of pot luck. Hope gives me a positive sense of possibility rather than fatalistic predeterminism. Hope buoys up my spirit in a way I can't even begin to explain. So I’ll take my lumps of disappointment along with my reveling victories. I am pragmatic enough to recognize that many things I hope for will never come to pass. But I will deal with that each time it happens. I am still holding hard onto hope.