Monday, June 01, 2009

Quandry

So here is my dilemma...

Part of my brain says not to worry at all about the fact that I did not get the teaching job. Things happen for a reason. There is surely some OTHER opportunity that will present itself eventually. That dimension of my thinking insists we WILL move to Idaho, just on a slightly altered time table. When I am relating from that version of my brain I value determination and tenacity. I say to myself to stick to my guns to build the life I know I want. That way of thinking is goal driven and ambitious. That side of my thinking says don't ever quit.

However, another part of my brain says GIVE IT UP. The fact that you did not get this job you were so absolutely qualified and well matched for is a clear message that you should stop always thinking grass is greener on the other side of the hill. Face that THIS is your place. Stop searching for a way to transplant. Let it go and BE HERE NOW. I live here. So I should LIVE here, not just take up space here while anxiously looking to be someplace else. That side of my brain values surrender, acceptance, walking in faith and peace.

I keep lobbing back and forth between these completely different views of what is best, what is healthy, what is valuable. Both sides of my thinking feel lucid, rational, seeking my best interest. But they are on ass end opposite sides of the spectrum. I am never quite sure which part of my perception to give more credence to.

It's complicated.

3 comments:

Mimi said...

Oh hugs, I'm so sorry you didn't get the job.

Rozel (a.k.a. Michelle) said...

I KNOW this feeling. It took me 6 months and a gazillion applications to make our move. Talk about frustrating! I certainly feel your pain. God's plan and timing is always bigger than ours.

Tristi Pinkston said...

Could it be that both choices are right? Sometimes it doesn't so much matter where we are, but what we do with ourselves while we're there that makes the difference.

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